President Obama:
Good morning. Last night a depraved American citizen began firing a big gun in the midst of innocent party-goers in an Orlando nightclub. Our country is under siege from all forms of hate, on both sides of the ideological divide, and this must stop. The FBI has not ruled out terrorism.
Until we know more, I caution our citizens not to overreact, and not to jump to conclusions, in knee-jerk fashion as many on a particular side are prone to do, about the role religion may have played in this tragic shooting. With a gun.
It is not who we are, or who we want to be, to discriminate against people of any religion just because some among them ascribe a conservative, literal meaning to its scriptures.
As to the victims and their families, our hearts go out to you, and we all feel sad for your loss. And remember, it was my administration which allowed many of your sons and daughters the dignity of legal marriage, hopefully compensating in some way for the fact that because of guns, they are no longer with us.
Because guns. Without guns, this wouldn’t have happened.
We need to restrict guns more, and I assure you we will propose appropriate legislation designed to accomplish this objective.
Thank you, and God bless Americans, and all others who dwell here.
President Obama steps to the microphone.
Good afternoon. Yesterday, a white American slaughtered homosexuals with a black gun. We need to ban all guns, and I am writing an Executive Order that suspends the Constitution in its entirity.
Due to the nature of this attack, I have instructed the army to begin a door-to-door collection of all firearms and firearms-related equipment.
Unfortunately, because of the severity of this workplace-violence event, I will also write an Executive Order that suspends all elections. I will graciously stay on as President in order to give our nation continuity. I have dissolved Congress, the Senate, and the Supreme Court, and will appoint my previously-selected Czars to fill in for those bodies.
There is a permanent curfew for all caucasion Americans, who will be required to wear a white armband from now on, and will be instructed when to report to concentration camps for orderly disposal.
Thank you, and God Bless America.