Posted on 08/30/2015 3:41:30 PM PDT by lee martell
My father passed away earlier this month at age 86. I traveled from California to Michigan for the memorial service. My oldest sister took charge in getting all the hard work done. She's always been the responsible one, even now. She wrote the obit, contacted friends, ordered the flowers, and booked a room at a local funeral parlor.
I offered to help her, but being out of town, it was practical that she and my other siblings make the necessary connections. My Dad used to coach boxing, and there were many, many people there, giving heartfelt testimonials. At first, I was consumed in my own grief, then I thought he would want us to welcome those folks who took the time and drove over, ready to talk about his positive influence. Actually, focusing on the many guests, introductions and personal stories helped all of us family members to get through this tribute.
My only regret is that none of the songs my sister chose were from traditional catholic songbooks. We went to a Catholic Grade School, and were used to hearing "Praise to The Lord, The Almighty, or Onward Christian Soldiers. Later we would learn more folky tunes such as "God is Love". All the while, there was a certain reserve and unity in how to sing the songs. Most the music I heard at the memorial sounded like something Whitney Houston would have sung, with a little Areatha Franklin thrown in. Nice performances, but not really Catholic. Of course I knew better than to say anything about it to any family member. People can be extremely sensitive during the big changes, such as weddings, funeral, births and graduations. I didn't want any unnecessary grudges to begin. Not to mention, I was grateful at how well the ceremony turned out. I suppose I should not have been surprised, as many Catholic churches in that area have been sounding more and more Baptist or Gospel like for the last 20 years. It may have something to do with the high population of black christians in the area.
I'm happy that I kept my mouth shut about the music. However, let me share one last bit with you. Earlier this year, I had a feeling that this would be my father's last year in this existence. I thought I should be ready with a good suit. I got a suit, dress shirt and new silk tie. When I was packing my clothes to return to California after the service, I realized something very private: I could never wear that suit again, because of all the grief it had absorbed in the first wearing. I know it sounds crazy, but I related to my clothes in that way. I said nothing to my family, but I threw the suit, dress shirt and silk tie, into the garbage pile. The suit had but one purpose for me, and that purpose had now been fullfulled.
So sorry on the loss of your father. Regarding funeral music...make a list for your own funeral. My mother has her list in her Bible. “For All The Saints” is first and foremost for her.
Hang in there. Losing a parent is rough going. :(
Let me guess: The consequence of not singing that song during an Italian funeral could range from Venial, to Mortal all the way to Eternal!
I’m sorry for your loss.
I’m not Catholic, but it seems to me the music should have been. I understand not wanting to upset your sister, but IMO she should have been concerned about not upsetting you with Baptist/secular music choices for your Catholic father.
It was nice of the author to share his reflections. It’s a once in a lifetime event when one loses a parent for sure.
Reconciling good memories with dissatisfaction with how things were handled at the deceased funeral goes a long way to make a better memory. As for the suit ensemble ? If it were me I would have donated it to the local thrift in hopes some who needed would be able to purchase it at a fair price for whatever it was intended for.
*I am sorry for the lost opportunity for a poor, underemployed, or homeless person to wear the suit that you could not bear to wear again.*
You sound like Judas lecturing Mary Magdeline. Who gives you the right to judge how someone else grieves? You come across as a pompous, self- righteous jerk.
There are times for criticism and there are times for silence.
Figure it out.
Well looks like he’s not you.
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>> “Is there really such a collection of writings as The Vulgate Bible?” <<
Yes, there is, and as the name suggests, it was translated for the benefit of the people, not for those who considered themselves to be the masters of the people.
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“Praise to The Lord, The Almighty” originally written by Joachim Neander, a German Calvinist. “Onward Christian Soldiers” was Anglican in origin. Of course, the Catholic hymnbook now contains Martin Luther. So when speaking of traditional hymns, I’m not sure Catholic is the modifier.
sorry for your loss....we all grieve in a different way. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, just don’t try to stop the process, we must all go through it in our own way.
My druthers would be for a full Gregorian chant requiem mass in the extraordinary form (with the Dies Irae Sequence). Now that would be truly Catholic music. We’ve lost so much.
Condolences
May Christ’s peace comfort you in your grief.
Pre service music
Are you afraid to die with a Billy Graham comment lead in & sang by Rick Skaggs
I don’t feel at home in this world anymore Ricky Skaggs
Down to the river to pray
Help Me Larry Gatlin Kris Kristofferson
Amazing Grace Judy Collins
Lazarus Come Forth The Bishops
Service
Darkest Hour Emmylou Harris Rick Skaggs
Green Pastures Harris & Skaggs
Jesus Hold My Hand Vern Gosdin
When my wife passed earlier this year I think our oldest daughter picked the music out which was fine by me. Kinda relieved me actually. I know one of the songs was "There ain't no grave gonna hold my body down" that was often sang in her church years ago. That song meant a lot to my wife.
Funerals are for the survivors to help them grieve and for friends and family to gather, give thanks to The Lord for their life, remember the person who died, and share in the hope of in eternity being reunited with them.
We didn't care what persons wore. I wore coveralls and my orthopedic boots. The only thing we did get irked about was someone picking it as a venue to "come out". IMO that was disrespectful to all involved.
Well said.
I am sorry to hear about the loss of your wife.
You are a good soul, and I appreciate your contributions here on FreeRepublic.
Grieve however you want. Throw out any anger or resentment about the music... just like you did with the suit. You'll be better off for it.
Maybe your dad requested those songs. Since you weren’t there to help with either your dad’s last days or the arrangements, why not just love your sister; remeber your dad;and let the rest go?
Dealing with the passing of a loved one puts a persons nerves on end especially for immediate family. Loved ones stepping even on each others toes is real easy to do despite anyone's and everyones best intentions. It's just part of grieving & coping with the loss and those things are best forgive and forget. We're all human with human emotions and hurts.
Unless the loss is sudden the family is already worn out physically and emotionally from their loved ones final days and hours. This opens up a mixed bag of very raw emotions and feelings to contend with.
That’s a very good point. I hadn’t considered it may have been a list of his choices.
Thanks for your kind words. I so appreciate this forum website. Nothing compares to it.
I was on the arranging end and my siblings were not as gracious as you. They let me know how I had disappointed them. All I could say was I made mom happy
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