I’ve been down that road too many times to count. I’ve found that there are a few ‘triggers’ for that hopeless feeling that makes me want to quit.
1) Sickness, fatigue, and hormones. When you’re physically down, your entire system isn’t functioning properly. That includes your brain.
2) Medication issues. There are two medications that set me off. One was Prozac. I was prescribed this drug for minor anxiety and three days later, I wanted nothing more than to die. The second was Synthroid. That took longer to figure out and ended with a complete nervous breakdown. (My mother became suicidal as one symptom of Grave’s disease. That goes back to the whole ‘hormone and health’ thing)
3) Finally, circumstances. I’ve gone through some pretty hopeless situations in my life. Had times when it seemed that there was no light at the end of the tunnel. But I’ve always made it through. Always. During low times I remind myself that everything changes. Both the good AND the bad. I try to keep my feet on the ground, look around me, and remind myself that I’ve survived worse messes.
So here’s my advice to you, dear. Go through your meds and see if any of them have depression or suicidal thoughts as a side effect. You may be surprised.
Get a check-up. Have your hormones checked. Esp thyroid and cortisol.
I have been diagnosed with AF and I do take adrenal support. It’s not a magic bullet, but it does help.
SLEEP, SLEEP, SLEEP, SLEEP, *SLEEP*!!!
Get plenty of rest and eat as ‘clean’ as possible. Veggies, meat, and fat. I don’t know anything about your general state of health, so I can’t recommend if you should up or lower the carbs.
And finally, endure. Deal with what you *can* deal with. Ask for help. Ignore the things that you have no power or control over. Perhaps look for alternatives to trying to fix or hold onto a situation that’s out of your control. (Bankruptcy can offer sweet, sweet relief) As for the house... screw the house. It’s a piece of construction. Not a human life. See if anyone can help you with the wall. If not, walk away from it and find another place to live.
Get a grip. It’s wood and plaster. Hardly worth dying over.
I can’t tell you to focus on the positives. I can’t remind you that there are people who need and love you. I can’t say any of those things because I understand your state of mind. You’re past the point of bawling depression and into the rationalization phase.
Been there. Done that.
I was an idiot in that phase and you’re being an idiot, too. No, your family is not better off without you.
Yes, you do have something to offer the world and honestly, it’s a little arrogant of you to believe that you are supposed to offer the world anything more than kindness and love. Screw ‘the world’ and make somebody a sandwich. Give somebody a hug. Listen to somebody who needs to cry. Focus on the people directly in front of you.
And focus on that dog that loves, trusts, and needs you. You’d be an ass to abandon that animal.
You’d be an ass to abandon your sick husband. No. You aren’t allowed to take the easy way out and leave him alone and hurt to clean up the mess. Today you’re going to tell him how much you love him and promise to stand (or crawl, as the case may be) beside him no matter what. You’re going to take a serious reality check and realize that your situation isn’t the worst in the world and that your feelings are probably more biochemical than based on anything going on around you. It has to be because nobody is stupid enough to consider suicide over a sick mate, employment issues, and a stupid wall.
Now I really hope that I irritated you. I actually hope that I’ve pissed you off. I want you to get pissed because pissed is so much better than despair. Constructive rage (Not the lamp throwing kind. The kind where you get incensed and think ‘how dare that b*tch! She doesn’t know me!’) has pushed me through some very dark times.
I’ll happily be your b*tch.
FReep me if you need another kick in the rear. Yeah, I’ll whip a downed horse if necessary to keep it on its feet.
Now hate me and check your damn meds. Step ONE.
Make an appt to see a freaking doctor. Step TWO.
Eat something healthy and take a multi-vitamin. Step THREE.
Take care of your husband. Love him up. Promise to stand with him through the dark times. Give him some freaking reassurance. For the love of G-d, the man needs you right now. Step FOUR.
And tonight, you’re going to cuddle and brush the hell out of that animal and promise to be the best mama that you can be. For both of you. Step FIVE.
And stop stressing over tomorrow. It’ll come whether you do or not so it’s not worth worrying about over the weekend.
Thank you, Marie!! :) I am printing out your post and reading it in full. I hope maybe someday we can meet.
You are a special person and thank you for taking the time to post on this thread. :)
xo to you and yours,
Julie