University Researchers: We Have to Accept People Who ‘Identify as Real Vampires’

Sociology researchers are now insisting that we as a society start accepting people who choose to “identify as real vampires” — so that they can be open about the fact that they’re vampires without having to worry about facing discrimination from people who might think that that’s weird.

The study, titled “Do We Always Practice What We Preach? Real Vampires’ Fears of Coming out of the Coffin to Social Workers and Helping Professionals” was conducted by researchers from Idaho State University and College of the Canyons and the Center for Positive Sexuality in Los Angeles.

“Most vampires believe they were born that way; they don’t choose this,” said Dr. D. J. Williams, the study’s lead researcher and the director of sociology at Idaho State.

The study is based on the experiences of eleven “real” vampires — which, by the way, are different from “lifestyle vampires.”

“Lifestylers,” the study explains, are people who just do things like wear fangs and sleep in coffins as lifestyle choices, and although “real vampires” may do these things too, they all also have one major thing in common that distinguishes them from the “lifestylers:”

“The essential feature of real vampirism is their belief in the need to take in ‘subtle energy’ (called feeding) from time to time from a willing ‘donor’ in order to maintain physical, psychological and spiritual health,” the study explains.

“Unlike lifestyle vampires, real vampires believe that they do not choose their vampiric condition; they are born with it, somewhat akin to sexual orientation,” it continues.

Williams explained that no one should be bothered by a person wanting to drink another person’s blood.

Some of these “real vampires” prefer to feed on “psychic or pranic energy” while others, called “sanguinarians,” prefer to feed on “small amounts” of human or animal blood.

(Of the eleven “real vampires” interviewed for the study, three said they preferred psychic energy, three said they preferred blood, and five said they got energy from multiple sources.)

Williams explained that no one should be bothered by a person wanting to drink another person’s blood because “it is generally expected within the community that vampires should act ethically and responsibly in feeding practices,” and it’s not their blood-drinking that’s the real problem here — it’s the fact that they have to worry that other people will judge them for their blood-drinking.

After all, the study reported that all of the participants seemed to “function normally” based on questions about their careers and “psychiatric histories” (apparently, believing you need to drink blood in order to function was not taken to be an indicator of a psychological problem) and yet “nearly all participants were distrustful of social workers and helping professionals and preferred to ‘stay in the coffin’ for fear of being misunderstood, labeled, and potentially having to face severe repercussions to their lives.”

Ugh — how unfair!

“The message is to not take things at face value, to be more aware of our stereotypes and our judgments, maybe focus on commonalities that people have,” Williams said in an interview with MTV.

“People understand themselves in very different ways, and that’s OK. We’re all human. We all have a lot of things in common. I think a little more awareness of our own biases and more cultural sensitivity — more compassion — that’s really the important thing underlying all of this,” he said.

— Katherine Timpf is a reporter for National Review Online.

I actually had an exchange with one of these effing nutbags on Facebook.

There was a PlayBuzz fun little game (where you answered a few questions) called "How Did You Die In American History? It would then answer along these guidelines "Did you die in the Revolutionary War or the Civil War? Maybe during the Great Depression? Let's find out how and when you died in American history!"

Everyone wrote their actual answer and quoted the paragraph that explained their circumstances. I had fun with it and wrote:

The Leftist Purge of 2026: You died by remote control drone, operated by the United States Domestic Pacification Department, when the order was issued by President Michelle Obama. As Social Media and thought-pattern analysis (required by Health and Human Services during your yearly ObamaPhysical) had identified you as a renegade 'Illegal Thinker' since the year 2020, you were easy to identify. You were one of those antiquated White Christian guys, and held strange views that individual freedom was worth protecting, and that Americans had the right to life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness. In fact, you were even once quoted having said that White people were NOT the cause of every problem in the world -- a laughable assertion at best!

The response I got from a would-be vampire called SDorrance Minch:

Not sure if epic troll or sincere bigotry. Either way, the end result isn't what I'd consider funny, but congratulations on successfully invoking Poe's Law.

I wrote back:

SDorrance Minch: Bigotry.....? BIGotry...?. BIGOTRY.....???!?

My Lord, you people are completely insane.

There is not enough room for both our viewpoints in the same geographic area. I would like us to separate into our own zones, but history shows me that the left much prefers genocide.

Thus, my little fun post.

"Vampires" are effing crazy.

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Stop being so judgmental.