Posted on 12/29/2012 5:48:56 AM PST by JoeProBono
They could have fed a Third World nation, or poured money into cancer research, or tried saving those polar bears stuck on itty-bitty ice floes. But no-o-o-o-o, Hollywood had better things to do with its hundreds of millions of dollars, like letting Adam Sandler make That's My Boy, and thinking we needed a remake of Red Dawn.
Sure, the film biz isn't in it for the philanthropy, and it's totally unfair to hold the expenditure of $250 million ( John Carter) or even a paltry $102 million ( Cloud Atlas) against actors, directors, and second grips engaged in earnest endeavors to create something memorable, or moving, or just fun.After all, no one intentionally sets out to make 90 minutes or two hours or three hours of stupefying dreck, right? Right?! RIGHT?!!
Herewith, the 10 dumbest, most misguided, wasteful, indulgent, soul-crushing, life-robbing films of 2012.
They're in alphabetical order, except for the last one. Maybe Peter Jackson's first installment in his new Middle-earth trilogy isn't really that awful, but it is an unexpected journey - unexpectedly twee and tech-obsessed, like being stuck in an endless video game, except a fellow with furry feet has run off with your gamepad.
Cloud Atlas Cross-dimensional, time-traveling cosmic hooey, although Tom Hanks and Halle Berry's postapocalyptic patois would make for a great comedy sketch. The gods of reincarnation should sue. And here's a question: Are codirector Lana Wachowski and Clementine Kruczynski, the heroine of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind played by Kate Winslet, the same person?
John Carter Pixar animator Andrew Stanton tried his hand with live-action in this $250 million Disney fiasco, an adaptation of Edgar Rice Burroughs' John Carter of Mars - or Barsoom, as the pulp scribe was wont to call the Red Planet. Lynn Collins is Princess Dejah, who hails from Helium, and some of the warring creatures she and Civil War-era Earthling Taylor Kitsch contend with are Tharks, Therns, and Zodangans. Never mind the giant green-skinned, multi-limbed creatures - look out for those Barsoomian subtitles!
Lola Versus
The Odd Life of Timothy Green
Playing for Keeps
Red Dawn
Seeking a Friend for the End of the World
That's My Boy
Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
“Take the movie Footloose, take Arielle’s family and move them to Chicago.”
Thanks, but I’d rather take the gas pipe. lol
I haven’t been to a movie this century.
I watched “John Carter” and found it to be a pretty good picture. Why it came for in for so much criticism is beyond me.
Next time, please give me a warning first before posting something so hideous!!
Otherwise you and FReep are going to owe me a new keyboard and hard drive (because I threw up and then hurled the entire computer into the fireplace).
Suggestions (wonder why Germany hasn't made films of the last two?):
1) "Under the Red Sea Sun" - An American naval officer performs miracles of salvage in the "completely destroyed" Italian naval base at Massawa, Eritrea in early 1942.
2) "Battle of the Bundu" - German officer von Lettow-Vorbeck and his rag-tag colonials fend off the Brits in East Africa and only surrenders because WWI is over.
3) The Cruise of the Ayesha - An abandoned landing party of the German raider Emden steals a schooner and sails 3,000 miles across the Pacific, through the Middle East, and 18 months later reports to the Kaiser "I report the landing squad from the 'Emden,' five officers, seven petty officers, and thirty men strong." (lost three men)
THAT was simply a horrible movie. So depressing.
Women have two X chromosomes. Men have one.
Can’t imagine how they left “Django” off the list...
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