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How to Do Nothing at Work, and Get Away With It

If you’re like me (God help you if you are), you’re lazy. Here’s a few tips I’ve learned in my short time on this earth that have kept me from getting too much accomplished.

1. Look Busy: Having papers spread all over your desk helps, as do pencils which are whittled down to the eraser. If you have to walk somewhere, keep your head down, and walk quickly (this also works if you’re trying to avoid being called over to do work. NEVER MAKE EYE CONTACT!). Carrying clipboard with you while moving around also helps.

2. Look Stressed: If you look completely stressed out, co-workers and your boss will be more likely to leave you alone, since you must have other pressing matters on your mind. To look stressed leave your eyes unfocused, move from place to place quickly while quietly talking to yourself, and if someone asks you a question, stare off into the distance for a moment, give a big sigh, and answer them with an irritated tone.

3. Speak Quickly: If they can’t figure out what you said, they’ll assume you don’t have the time to explain it.

4. Hide: Find a good hiding place. A couple good examples are under a desk, in the air vents, or a janitor’s closet.

5. Break a Limb: Obviously this method only works when you work at a job that requires physical labour or typing. How you break the limb is up to you, though I recommend something spectacular (ie. snowboarding on the Alps).

6. Make Excuses: There’s nothing like having a good list of excuses on hand (Memorized, that is. A list on paper is suspicious). Ones like “I would stay late, but I have to babysit my mother’s aunt’s friend’s sister’s goldfish,” may work. Of course, ymmv.

7. Never Leave Your Office/Room: If you don’t leave your office, you are less likely to be bothered. Remember: out of sight, out of mind. Of course, you will need to ensure that you have an ample supply of rations so that you can survive until it’s time to head home. Bathroom breaks, I’m still working on.

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8. What they can’t see… Rearrange your office so that your computer monitor faces away from any windows or doors that your boss may be able to see through. This will ensure that you have ample time to hit the “Boss Key” in any game you’re playing, or open a Word document to hide the porn you’re surfing, should your boss happen to wander into your dungeon..er..office.

9. Fool their eyes: If you can’t rearrange your office, perhaps employ a service like WorkFRIENDLY which acts as a proxy to mask any website that you visit. You can mask the sites to look like a Word Document and at a quick glance, they look like any other document. If the boss gets too close, click the “Boss Key” and WordFriendly will hide the website with pseudo-word

10. Choose a profession people don’t understand: I’m a web developer. Most people don’t REALLY understand what you need to do to be a web developer, so I might be doing a blog post, but they’re thinking I’m working. Golden!