The Secret Lives of Cats and Dogs
DOG DIARY
8 a.m. - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 a.m. - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 a.m. - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 a.m. - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12 p.m. - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1 p.m. - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3 p.m. - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5 p.m. - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7 p.m. - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8 p.m. - Wow! Watched TV with my people! My favorite thing!
11 p.m. - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other
inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my
contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat
something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me
going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again
vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I
had hoped that this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending
comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed
in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could
hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was
due to the power of “allergies”. I must learn what this means, and how to
use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems
to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has
got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards
regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have
arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is
safe...For now.