Posted on 01/15/2016 7:00:26 PM PST by EBH
Any physical, spiritual, and emotional harm your brother inflicted on you has been taken up by Christ through His redemptive suffering. It does not own you anymore. Extend to your niece the mercy Christ showed you.
I think meeting her with a trusted friend or your pastor would be best. You can decide after such a meeting whether you think she can handle the truth of her bio-dad. Ask her permission to contact her family and get their take on all this.
Those are health thoughts.
God be with you.
Stay out of it. The birth mother is alive - let her handle the daughter and answer her questions. If the daughter seeks you out, refer her to her mother.
You are under no obligation - legal or otherwise to speak with the daughter. Especially if it opens a bunch of personal nightmares. Her birth mother can answer her questions about your brother. If you don’t wish to hang onto the photos of your brother, then pass them along to the birth mother to give to the daughter.
Why not think about this young girl, her need to know her biological family, and not about yourself. She is your niece, just beginning her young life.
Actually, in 2015, no young adult should go seeking their birth parents in search of a sense of family. That is dead wrong. They should go searching only for a story of how they came to be adopted, curious about some genetic quirks, possibly an illness or condition. Curious about the lives of the people who combined to create their beginnings, maybe wanting to know more of the story. Wondering about bio siblings. Gratitude expressed for giving her a life at all, and not sucking her into a sink.
Her family is the one who raised her.
And don’t let anyone guilt you into doing something you don’t wish to do.
Wow...lots of assumptions there....
she is not a young “girl”
she is a young woman with two kids of her own.
Very wise.
Again, I advise strongly...do not allow yourself to be guilted into doing more sooner than you are ready to do.
Sounds to me like you are holding a lot of pain and resentment. Your mind is probably very clouded, angry or confused by this.
What this girl is doing is finding her roots - its normal and to be expected for anyone in her position.
Don't dump your emotions, spite, or judgements on her. Just greet her and be kind and sociable. Give her some basic facts about her father, without the drama. Maybe if you develop a better or longer term relationship, you can later, if cautiously, open up to her about your problems - and let her be the judge.
There is no “guidebook” for this kind of potentially destructive minefield.
There are sound reasons “society” sets up rules to live by. It tends to minimize grief and pain.
I'd like to say that's an extremely brave thing for a young woman to do. The "easy" choice now is abortion. Your mother didn't do that. If she had, She probably would have carried the regret and pain forever, much more than giving up a child to adoption.
Heck yeah.
My baby girl is not of my genetics. But she is ALL MINE and I am her mommy 24/7, no one else! (She didn’t have a “birth mom” though, we adopted her at the embryo stage)
Plenty of people never meet their birth parents for a variety of reasons. They survive. If you’re not comfortable, then don’t do it. You owe her nothing, and she will not be any worse off than ever before if you don’t. If you’d like, tell her to contact you in the same manner again in X years, and maybe you might be more comfortable by then. As others have already noted, often the child regrets the search afterwards. There are no guarantees in this life.
You are under no obligation legal or moral to meet this person.
:-)
Maybe you and she could heal together. It sounds like your brother hurt both of you badly.
She will need to know all she can about her father to discovery her own identity. But go slow and gentle on her dad’s bad stuff, she doesn’t have to hear it all the first visit. Give her headlines on her dad’s bad stuff not all the details. Just go slow and consider both her need to know and the pain in knowing what she may not need to know.
The truth is important but so is knowing when to share that truth and how to share it.
Hearing her father was a evil, horrible rotten guy will cause her lasting pain. Hearing her dad had lots of problems and made some bad choices she will be able to handle.
She may hate her dad, but there will still be love in her for him too, she only has the one biological father.
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