find a way to take a break
I’d love to. But I have no friends in the area as I am always dealing with her. If I am not with her she is constantly accusing me of cheating. So I go to work and come home. The only break I get is when I take our grandson somewhere. I am very thankful that he is around!
“I go to work and come home... If I am not with her she is constantly accusing me of cheating”.
Therein lies a lot of the stress for you, hon. YOU need a break. YOU need some away time. YOU need to go fishing, see a movie, walk around a mall, go to a baseball game.. something. You have to feel trapped and imprisoned.. and if so, you may start to suffer from depression. Yes.. take your grandson when you can but IMHO... whether she says you are cheating or not.. you have got to get some time away to relax, recharge and just plain think things out.
Your weekly escape may require that you take your grandson along and that you bring back flowers or some other small gift to mollify your wife. Trust me on this: assuring that you have an hour or two of escape every week will do a lot to ease the burdens on you.
"If I am not with her she is constantly accusing me of cheating."
I don't offer this as a way to tilt you towards staying or leaving.
I now something of emotional abuse, and I promise you it is far worse than physical abuse, if you don't know. Actually - you do know, because you've been living with it.
If you were a woman, and your husband was mentally ill, and he abused you physically, you would leave out of self preservation. Even if it was entirely due to a mental illness and out of his control
Are the 'in sickness and in health' folks here encouraging a woman to stay with a man who beats her? Even if it's 'not his fault' ... he's mentally ill? Of course not.
Just because she's mentally ill doesn't mean she's not abusing you, intentionally or not. Most physical beatings do not cause permanent physical damage. The damage is spiritual. So any abuse - physical or mental -> is ultimately mental abuse.
I do not say you are right to leave, or right to stay. I DO say, consider whether all you are doing by staying is abandoning yourself.
So long as you do not EXPERIENCE the freedom that you have to choose to leave, you are trapped, and she knows it. If she's sick, then she's manipulative like an animal. You can't let the animal dictate what you choose. You must know first, that you are free to leave, and God will not hate you. Only then can you choose to stay or leave in peace. I promise you that no matter how sick and crazy she is, there is a deep deep element of semi-conscious manipulation coming from her, and it is coming form a dark, animal part of her.
I repeat that if you were a woman, and she a man, and she was beating you, you would leave and no one would question you. But the physical force is the least of the abuse, it's only the 'worldly' appearance of the abuse. This woman IS beating you AND manipulating you, consciously or not. That does not make her bad-and-evil-and-wrong necessarily.
But if she were physically sick with ebola - you would still separate yourself from her from her while she was infectious. That would be out of self preservation, not an ethical choice. But Marriage is not an emotional suicide pact. Don't fool yourself that she is not infectious. You can love her and also recognize that fact.
You are free to leave, and her knowing that and experiencing that knowledge, whether because you actually do leave for a while, or just because she senses a change in you - a detachment from her guilt spell - may be the only hope the marriage ha
Her behavior of not taking her meds is exactly the same as a drunk who won't stay sober, once he's been sober for a month and has his confidence back. "I don't need to be sober, I'm not an alcoholic" ..."I don't need my meds, I'm not sick."
Doesn't SHE have a responsibility to take care of herself in the marriage? Is alcoholism an excuse for continued drinking? Is mental illness an excuse for not taking her meds? Is the fact that she didn't CHOOSE this sickness a moral claim on the value of your life?
Whatever her mental illness, and pain, and suffering, which I suspect means you are not allowed to feel any (that's what happens to the caretakers) ... you are obviously beaten down by it at this point. The idea that the sores and tribulations of Job will disappear from your skin and heart without your action -> isn't that just as delusional as her seeing angels and devils?
I don't know you or her, or the real situation. I've known some like it. I believe the people who can give you the best advice, in addition to a rationally based religious man, are a phsychologist to treat YOU for depression, totally separate from your wife, and attend some meetings of Al Anon as a guest, not a member - there may be nothing there for you - but no where else will you find a group of people with more wisdom about successfully dealing with, although from a different cause, a spouse who is a tremendous negative force, and how to not be victim to that force. (I didn't say victim to 'her', I said 'to that negative force.')
Just thoughts reading what you said. I could be 4,000 miles from being right about anything. Just honest reflections, with a little bit of experience in situations that sounds similar in ways.
I hope you find a path to some peace with this and get your life back (your inner life, your joy.) It is possible, I know men who have that, and yet have similar circumstances - have had them for years. The key is detachment which is not to be confused with not caring, not loving. But love is not is not a commitment to an emotional suicide pact, and whatever the extent of the mental illness, which appears not to be so defined or deep as to be truly diagnosable, she is capable of responsibility, and it sounds like she is not exercising it - rather, she is trying to control you. So long as you pick up the pieces for her there, or bow to her control, you are a slave to her illness, and that part is your choice.