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An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice - picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. When he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it...

When you're eighty..............who cares? I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." Cost me 6 stitches...but, When you’re eighty..............who cares? I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that,...

No one wants to talk about it.

PGA RULE CHANGES IN EFFECT 1/1/2019 FOR GOLFERS AGE 65+ Rule 9.k.34(a) - If a tree is between the ball and the hole, and the tree is deemed to be younger than the player, then the ball can be moved without penalty. This is so because this is simply a question of timing; when the player was younger, the tree was not there so the player is being penalized because of his age. Rule 1.a.5 - A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it...

An elderly Floridian called 911 on his cell phone to report that his car has been broken into. He is hysterical as he explains his situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" he cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm... An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in "Disregard." he says "He got in the back-seat by mistake." TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US! Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath....

Men vs. Women... Bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, “Which book has helped you most in your life?” The woman replied, “My husband’s check book!!” ****** A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called ‘Husband – the Master of the House?’" Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!” ****** Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?" Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her." ****** Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand,...

2. Wrong Way! An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his carphone. “Honey”, she says in a worried voice, “be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway”. “It’s worse than that”, he replies, “there are hundreds of them!” 3. Which Restaurant? The two men were talking and one said, “We’ve been going to a new restaurant and it’s really great. I’d recommend it very highly.” The other man asked, “What’s the name of the place?” The first...

This is what all of us 70+ year-olds, and those yet-to-be have to look forward to!! This is something that happened at an assisted living center. The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so another guy's wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area. An hour...

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? <>If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. 'How old are you?' ' I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. 'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey,...

The 60th High School Reunion He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years, having been high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past, without fail. This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high, with the widower throwing admiring glances across the table . . . and the widow smiling coyly back at him. Finally during one dance, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me? After...

After 60 years together a couple wanted to celebrate; Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift." "Not to worry," said the father. "Important thing is we're all together today." Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great. Dad, I just flew in from Montreal between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you." “It’s...

Murphy’s Hat Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He had never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?" Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you, Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that...

For all you grandparents out there...and a few others who just like a good laugh! A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for candy, cookies, all sorts of things. The grandpa is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy,Pete, we won't be long-easy, boy." The boy has another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say: "It's okay, Pete. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, son." At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the...

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then...

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light". After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red...

I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, "What brings you in today?" I looked at her, and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator.” She didn't quite know how to respond. Am I getting to be that age? I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So I'm wearing my garage door opener. I was thinking about old age and decided that...

Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that, at my age, I don't really give a rat's ass anymore. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat. A rabbit runs, and hops, and only lives15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run, and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And they tell us to exercise? I don't think so. Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered: 1. I started out with nothing, and I still...

Bible Study In this crazy political season I decided a little religion might be appropriate so here is a short Bible study. Remember what Jesus said: 'Goats on the left, sheep on the right' (Matthew 25:33). Jesus also told Peter that if he wanted to catch fish do it from the right side of the boat. They did and filled the boat with fish. John 21:6 (NIV) ... He said, "Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some." When they did, they were unable to haul the net in because of the large...

Oldies but goodies. "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Most common among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500." Lynn Lavner "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." George Burns "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson "Clinton lied....

Sixteen Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs Instead of Wives: 1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you. 2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. 3. Dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor. 4. Dogs' parents never visit. 5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. 6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day. 7. Dogs find you amusing when you're pissed. 8. Dogs like to...