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U.S. — O.J. Simpson has passed away from cancer at the age of 76. According to sources from the afterlife, the former football star is looking forward to asking God who really killed his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson. "I've been racking my brains for decades trying to figure out who may have done it," said Simpson. "It will be great to have all my questions finally laid to rest. I really can't imagine who might have committed such a crime." At publishing time, O.J. Simpson's questions unfortunately remained unanswered after a majority-black jury declared him "not dead."

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Doing their part to engage in the day's traditional hijinx, the United States Congress played a hilarious April Fools joke by announcing they are working hard to serve the American people. In the ridiculous gag, timed perfectly to coincide lawmakers assured the public they are toiling tirelessly to devise solutions to the pressing problems faced by everyday Americans, totally owning their constituents in the process. "We promise to do our best," Nancy Pelosi while holding back a snicker during a Congressional press conference. "The American people have our solemn pledge that everything we do in Washington,...

NEW YORK, NY — After news broke that the bond amount in his fraud case had been lowered from $454 million to $175 million, former President Donald Trump announced he would pay the bond in its entirety with bags of nickels. Trump notified the court that preparations had already been made for a fleet of armored trucks to arrive at the courthouse and begin unloading cases and cases of freshly minted and rolled nickels totaling $175 million. "Beautiful, shiny nickels. So many nickels," Trump said in his announcement. "It's a total sham that I have to pay anything, but...

OTTAWA — In a groundbreaking decision that sent ripples across the geopolitical landscape, the Canadian Supreme Court has ruled that the term "Justin Trudeau" is outdated and should instead be replaced with the more inclusive term, "Person With A Vagina." The unanimous ruling asserted that using the narrow term "Justin Trudeau" fails to accurately represent the diverse spectrum exemplified by the person who currently holds the position of Prime Minister of Canada. "We must move beyond archaic labels that do not reflect the full breadth of our society and indeed the person who governs it," declared Chief Justice Richard...

Another State of the Union address is upon us! As frightening as that may be to hear, it is important for the American people to hear from the president and find out about all the things that have been accomplished in the last year. Here are the top accomplishments Biden covered during his speech: Creation of several brand new words: This will be accomplished just during the speech itself. Finalization of the Louisiana Purchase: He will announce he hammered out the deal with Napoleon last week. The Mexico-Egypt border has been totally secured and there are no problems down there...

Every few days the past month, my phone receives a text message from an unknown number, purporting to be Nikki Haley, and telling me to get information on how to support her by clicking a link in the message. YEAH, RIGHT. Of course, it's almost certainly not really from Nikki, it's MALWARE from some cretin looking to scam me. So I hit "Delete and Report Junk". Again, and again, and again.... I'd guess a lot of folks are getting these. BTW, I'm in Upstate NY, registered Independent. Man, I really hate malware scammers. Find 'em and hang 'em.

PALM BEACH. FL — In a surprise move, former President Donald Trump endorsed Bud Light as the "Official Beer Of MAGA" and announced trans icon Dylan Mulvany as his running mate in the 2024 election. "Dylan Mulvaney is the greatest woman, the most fantastic woman, anyone who doesn't think so is a total RINO," said Trump at the announcement. "When you think of making America great, you think of baseball, Donald Trump, drinking Bud Light, and Dylan Mulvaney. We're going to take America back, believe me." The controversial pick was met with immediate applause from the crowd at Trump's...

A Florida man has chosen the next cultural wars flashpoint he will rally behind in an effort to mobilize the 2024 US presidential electorate: central bank digital currencies (CBDCs). "Such a currency would give a federal government, our federal government, the absolute control over your money," the former Wrestlemania star declared of CBDCs from a rally in Portsmouth, New Hampshire, on Wednesday. "They could take your money – you wouldn’t even know it was gone. This would be a dangerous threat to freedom." The busy former reality television host and American president took a moment away from his E. Jean...

ARLINGTON, VA — In an announcement that comes on the heels of history-making achievements in flight crew diversity, aerospace giant Boeing has revealed its new aircraft features larger lavatories so all-female crews can go to the bathroom together. Similar to the celebration of aircraft manned by an all-female crew, the announcement of extra-large bathrooms aboard the new airplanes was hailed as an enormous step forward that will allow these female flight crews to continue the time-honored-yet-mysterious tradition of women traveling to the bathroom in groups. "Our groundbreaking female crew members have spoken, and we have heard them," said Boeing...

SCARSDALE, NY — As thousands of illegal migrants continue to arrive in New York, a local white liberal resident was seen quietly removing his "All Are Welcome Here" sign from his front yard. The man, who asked to remain anonymous to avoid being canceled by friends and neighbors in his gated community, removed the sign shortly after seeing yet another bus full of foreign nationals arrive down the street. "I want them to feel welcome here…but not, like, HERE here," he said as he tossed the sign away and out of view. "I believe very strongly that these people...

U.S. - As society becomes increasingly dominated by nerds, hipsters, and computer programmers, people have fixated on what they think is our biggest problem: masculinity. "It's just toxic and causes nothing but problems," said Elisha Mcewen, a vegan activist and no threat whatsoever to spiders or tight jar lids. "I was sharing my feelings on masculinity with other men in my drum circle, and we all agreed that if we ever encountered masculinity, we would run far away." Masculinity is said to have in the past been the cause of such things as violence, war, bullying, defeating the Nazis,...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The nation rejoiced yesterday as smoke rose from the White House, indicating the elderly President has survived yet another year. "Look! There it is!" said a jubilant crowd of bureaucrats, Chinese spies, and other interested onlookers as Biden's 81 birthday candles were set ablaze and produced a column of thick, black smoke that rose into the horizon above the nation's capital. "The President! He still lives! Rejoice, for our leader's body still draws breath, leaving us free to keep running the government behind his back!" Sources say the plume of smoke was visible for miles around...

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Elon Musk has generously offered to give Mark Zuckerberg $1 billion to simply change Facebook's name to "Faceboob." "Think of how much happier everyone will be logging onto 'Faceboob'," said Mr. Musk. "I already jotted down some great ideas for the new site logo. They're pretty good, if I do say so myself. Just trying to do a little good for humanity." The offer comes on the heels of a similar proposition Musk made to the head of Wikipedia this week to change the name of the online reference site to something quite clever that...

Some of its suggestions are poison. Others - like banana and tomato tea - might as well be An AI recipe generation bot released by New Zealand discount supermarket chain Pak'nSave has raised eyebrows for recommending home cooks whip up chlorine gas cocktails, bleach rice, and combine .The "Savey Meal-bot" web app is powered by GPT-3.5. It automatically generates recipes from a list of ingredients chosen by users, then provides instructions on how to cook the made-up item. One user decided to play around with the chatbot, suggesting it create something with ammonia, bleach, and water. Savey Meal-bot obliged, spitting...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As part of his administration's expanding efforts to celebrate Pride Month, President Joe Biden has announced the Iwo Jima memorial will be updated to feature the Pride flag. "This flag is now the most revered symbol in our nation," Biden said during his announcement. "It's only right for the Iwo Jima memorial to be updated to represent the brave men and women and non-men and non-women and those other things who are fighting even more bravely than the soldiers of World War II. These fellas with breasts who were on my lawn — they're the true...

ST LOUIS, MO — Anheuser-Busch, the company that makes Bud Light, has suffered weeks of stagnant sales following a simple marketing campaign celebrating breathtaking female woman Dylan Mulvaney, who is totally a woman. In response, Bud Light has worked tirelessly to revive its brand and appeal to loyal customers by adding mullets to every can. "These mullets prove just how well we know our customers," said Bud Light Marketing Director Stacey Mulberry-Saffron while explaining the strategic value of focus groups and social media surveys. "We're confident customers will return in droves for this refreshing can of business-in-the-front-and-party-in-the-back." Mulberry-Saffron added...

Those still using Windows 10 version 21H2 have about a month until support ends, which means there will be no more security updates or other measures after that. Their options essentially are to upgrade to Windows 10 22H2 or make the move to Windows 11, which would make Microsoft happy. Servicing and support for the Windows 10 21H1 Home, Pro, Pro Education, and Pro Workstation editions ends June 13, with the June 2023 security update – due out that same day – being the last one for those editions. "After this date, devices running these versions will no longer receive...

NEW YORK, NY — The creative minds behind the long-running children's television show Sesame Street have partnered with Hasbro to come up with what they believe will be this year's hot new toy: the Transition Me Elmo doll. "This is the perfect toy to give to children of any age!" said Samantha Maltin, Chief Marketing & Brand Officer at Sesame Workshop. "No matter the stage of your child's development, there's no wrong time to introduce them to the exciting new world of gender reassignment! Transition Me Elmo will have your youngster questioning their identity in no time!" The new...

WASHINGTON, April 12 (Reuters) - The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) on Wednesday proposed sweeping emissions cuts for new cars and trucks through 2032, a move it says could mean two out of every three new vehicles automakers sell will be electric within a decade. The proposal, if finalized, represents the most aggressive U.S. vehicle emissions reduction plan to date, requiring 13% annual average pollution cuts and a 56% reduction in projected fleet average emissions over 2026 requirements. The EPA is also proposing new stricter emissions standards for medium-duty and heavy-duty trucks through 2032. [FR Note: see also Strictest-ever vehicle...

U.S. — Media outlets around the country joined hands today to call for a moment of silent remembrance for Audrey Hale, a mass shooter who was misgendered. "Words cannot describe the deep pain felt by the entire trans community as they watch one of their own being cruelly misgendered on the news," said MSNBC anchor Pam Broxley. "Trans people are in fear for their lives that they might be misgendered next. This is causing real-world harm to their self-perception, which amounts to a terrorist act. Please join us for a moment of silence for Audrey. Say her name." All...