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To: conservativecorner

WHO NEEDS THE FRENCH?

 French Military History in a Nutshell Currently making the rounds in the military community:

The Complete Military History of France



 - Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

- Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
 participants started ignoring her.

- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War - Tied.

 - War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

 - War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

 - American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

 - World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

 - War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Muslims and the Germans just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

 The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France
 collapses?"

 Final Conclusion: "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."


 

 

5 posted on 02/14/2003 12:52:10 PM PST by Fintan
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To: Fintan
Thanks for the list, sad isn't it?
24 posted on 02/14/2003 1:22:31 PM PST by citizen
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To: Fintan
I have a friend who was a pathfinder in Vietnam. He said the deal that the French did with the UN was that we (US of course) would have to compensate them $100,000 for every rubber tree that we blew up. So Vietnam from their perspective was about saving their rubber plantations.
26 posted on 02/14/2003 1:24:35 PM PST by richardtavor (Pray for the peace of Jerusalem, and pray for the French....)
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To: Fintan

Ze French?

We are cowards?

Mon Dieu!

No!

No!!!

One thousand times no!!!!

I must sit now...


31 posted on 02/14/2003 1:35:58 PM PST by Luis Gonzalez (The Ever So Humble Banana Republican)
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To: Fintan
The Complete Military History of France

Y'know, this was funny the first 300 times I saw it yesterday. :-)

33 posted on 02/14/2003 1:36:57 PM PST by Constitutionalist Conservative (http://c-pol.com)
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