Happy holidays'? What's that!?

The desire not to offend has stripped "the reason for the season " of all meaning. Advertisers and store employees have substituted the joyful and heartfelt wishes of "Merry Christmas " and "Happy Hanukkah " with the diluted and mushy greeting "Happy Holidays. "

The stripping away of America's heritage continues as certain legal and cultural relativists pursue their goal of transforming us into moral and spiritual "Stepford wives " when we will see all ideas as mattering, or not mattering, and it not mattering whether that matters.

Constitutional attorney John Whitehead brings to my attention a situation in New Jersey that is emblematic of the gutting of our symbols. Officials at South Orange Middle School canceled a field trip to a performance of Charles Dickens' classic, "A Christmas Carol, " because some students (or parents) might find the play "offensive. " One news story attributed the cancellation to a single Jewish parent who was offended by the play's "Christian theme. "

I've seen "A Christmas Carol " on many occasions and have yet to discover a "Christian " theme in it, unless you consider the "conversion " of Scrooge by the "ghosts " of Christmas Past, Christmas Present and Christmas yet to come a religious act. It is a story about charity, kindness and good will which, the last I checked, was a theme not only in all religions but also among humanists and other non-theists.

The school principal told the local newspaper that the cancellation had more to do with concerns that the play didn't fit in with the class curriculum and "there is a great sensitivity to putting students in awkward situations. " Want to know what was substituted for "A Christmas Carol "? It was "The Great Railroad Race, " which recounts the dangers faced and the sacrifices made by an Irish immigrant, a Chinese immigrant and a runaway slave in the building of the transcontinental railroad. Understanding racial diversity apparently is more important than learning about charity.

In a fanatical and often blind devotion to tolerance and diversity we have forgotten to teach the concepts behind why we should be tolerant of people who believe differently than we do. Does it teach tolerance if we melt down Christmas and Hanukkah into a single meaningless "holiday "?

Schools especially - but culture in general - seem unwilling to talk about anything that matters, other than sex, which seems to be promoted with an evangelical zeal reminiscent of circuit-riding preachers of a bygone era. And so books, such as "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, " about which there has been controversy in the past, are simply removed from assigned reading lists because teachers and administrators seek an absence of conflict rather than a vibrant intellectual debate and an engagement with conflicting ideas. This robs children of a decent education just as it would rob them of physical fitness if the schools did away with athletic contests because some might feel bad if they lost.

As Whitehead said in a radio commentary, "We face an immense threat in our society - and I'm not talking about terrorism. It is the increasing tendency to obliterate our history and traditions in order to erect a saccharine view of reality - one that is not true and will never be true. In the process, we are creating a schizophrenic world for our children to grow up in. And it is neither healthy, nor will it produce the kind of people who will be able to face the challenges of a frightening tomorrow. "

Some might respond to such a statement by saying Amen. But today we would have to say "A-person, " so as not to offend. What's next? Will church hymns be turned into "hermns "?

Subject: The Office Party
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't Be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.

Happy now?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 2 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your freaking salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now!

FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward Your cards to her at the sanatorium.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

We hope that this change does not offend anyone.

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