Posted on 01/06/2002 12:04:52 PM PST by VaBthang4
And in addition to your double tongue, your brain must be on falsehood overdrive, because I just read a whole bunch of stuff you made up about what I [supposedly] think. Have you not posted previously, that you used to be one of those Christian zealot types, and you have long since seen the error of those ways/days? I've seen many of your obnoxious posts, and IMO you've merely traded one form of zealotry for another. Get a life and have a nice day.
"Noah"
"WHAT!"
"How long can you tread water?"
Parts: Narrator, Noah, God, Neighbor
Narrator: We write most of our Bible stories ourselves, but this one we had some help with. We would like to thank Bill Cosby for his unwitting help. This is the story of Noah, adapted by Bill Cosby and then adapted even further by us.
(Noah enters, and begins working in his garden, digging)
God: (standing on a chair behind Noah, he rings a bell once) NOAH.
Noah: (Looks up) Is someone calling me? (Shrugs and goes back to his work)
God: (Ding) NOAH!!
Noah: Who is that?
God: It's the Lord, Noah.
Noah: Right ... Where are ya? What do ya want? I've been good.
God: I want you to build an ark.
Noah: Right ... What's an ark?
God: Get some wood and build it 300 cubits by 80 cubits by 40 cubits.
Noah: Right ... What's a cubit?
God: Well never mind. Don't worry about that right now. After you build the ark, I want you to go out into the world and collect all the animals of the world, two by two, male and female, and put them into the ark.
Noah: Right ... Who is this really? What's going on? How come you want me to do all these weird things?
God: I'm going to destroy the world.
Noah: Right ... Am I on Candid Camera? How are you gonna do it?
God: I'm going to make it rain for a thousand days and drown them right out.
Noah: Right ... Listen, do this and you'll save water. Let it rain for forty days and forty nights and wait for the sewers to back up.
God: Right...
Narrator: So Noah began to build the ark. Of course his neighbors were not too happy about it. Can you imagine leaving for the office at 7 AM and seeing an ark?
Neighbor: (enters whistling, with brief case) Hey! You over there.
Noah: What do you want?
Neighbor: What is this thing?
Noah: It's an ark.
Neighbor: Uh huh, well you want to get it out of my driveway? I've gotta get to work. Hey listen, what's this thing for anyway?
Noah: I can't tell you, ha ha ha.
Neighbor: Can't you even give me a little hint?
Noah: You want a hint?
Neighbor: Yes, please.
Noah: Well, how long can you tread water? Ha ha ha
Neighbor: There's one in every neighborhood. (Shakes head and leaves)
Narrator: Well Noah finally got the ark built. Then he had the task of gathering all the animals two by two.
Noah: Hey, anybody know how to tell the difference between a male and a female mosquito? (Looking in a box) I told your rabbits before, only two! (He puts box in boat) Whew, finally the last two animals are on board. Let's get this thing closed up before God asks me to do something else. I'm six hundred years old. I am getting too old for this sort of thing.
God: Noah!
Noah: I knew it. What do you want now?
God: You're going to have to take one of those hippos off and get another one.
Noah: Why?
God: 'Cause you got two males. You need a female.
Noah: I'm too tired to bring anything else on board. You change one of them.
God: Come on, you know I don't work like that.
Noah: But I'm sick and tired of this. I've been working all day everyday like crazy for months now, dawn to dusk. I'm tired of this.
God: Noah
Noah: Yeah?
God: how long can you tread water? Ha ha ha
Noah: Yeah, well I got news for you. You keep talking about this flood and I haven't seen a drop of rain. Meanwhile, the whole neighborhood is making fun of me. I told one of my friends I'd been talking to the Lord and he laughed so hard he wet his pants. Do you know I'm the only guy in town with an ark in his yard? People are picketing and calling the heath department, strangers walk up to me and say "How's it going, Tarzan?" I am sick and tired of all of this, you let me get a pregnant elephant . . . Do you give me an instruction book? . . . No!!! Here I am standing under the elephant and brrrrrrrrump! Right on top of me! I'm telling you, I've had enough. You're supposed to see all and know all, well have you seen the bottom of that ark? Who's going to clean up that mess? Not me, I tell you. I quit. I'm tired of this. I'm going to let the animals out and burn that ark down. I can't believe you made me do all this . . .
(God takes a watering can and begins to pour water on Noah's head)
Noah: (continues) I can't believe the mess you got me in and . . . and . . . it's raining . . . This isn't just a shower is it? OK. All right, it's me and you Lord, me and you all the way. I'm with you Lord. Whatever you say....
by Rabbi Baruch Melman
Adam was placed in the Garden by G*d (Gen 2:8- last week's sedra) whereas Avraham (Avram) was directed by G*d to go to a place where He will show him (Gen 12:1- next week's sedra). Noah was asked to chart a middle ground. Whereas with Adam G*d directly placed him where he wanted him, and whereas with Avraham (Avram), it was Avraham who was the active determining agent in causing his arrival where G*d wanted him, with regard to Noah, G*d played an indirect, yet active role in guiding his destiny. Lech lecha, G*d's command to Avraham, then, could be read as G*d telling him to take charge directly of his sojourn. Each central character in the developing story of mankind represents a greater striving for independence and autonomy on the part of mankind vis a vis its Creator.
The text makes pointed reference that Noah was not the captain of his ship, for indeed their was no ship. It was not even a boat. The Hebrew term used for the flotation device is teva -tawf, vet, hey. Teva, literally meaning "box," is a storage receptacle. The English word "tub" quite possibly derives from the Hebrew, as they share the same root letters. According to its blueprint it was built in a rectangular shape, with squared edges and a flat bottom, not like a boat which is designed with the rounded, curved features more useful for navigation. A boat, by design and practice, more readily belongs in the water. A tub, by contrast, more readily belongs on the earth. A man-made mikva must be a tub built into the ground, halakhically. It cannot be a portable spa. The mikva, like the Torah itself, cannot be made impure through contact with that which is ritually impure. Whether we immerse inert vessels (kelim) or living humans, the grounded tub serves as a vehicle for cleansing and salvation.
Noah's ark, then, was built as a receptacle for the salvation of the remnant of all living things, as a refuge from the violence (hamas) which consumed all the earth. The terminology of implicit groundedness by the pointed use of the word teva indicates also G*d's inclination that the ark NOT be used. Rather, it implies that G*d's deepest wishes were for mankind to do teshuva and to pull back from the brink of destruction. In other words, were the ark to have in its design a bias for floating, it would indicate G*d's predetermination to bring on the flood. Because of its design bias for groundedness on the earth, it indicates G*d's preference for mankind's teshuva and healing.
Not being a ship, then, there was no steering mechanism, no rudder, no navigational controls or source of power other than the Divine guidance system. Noah built the box, but G*d steered it. To counteract the feeling of helplessness that Noah must have felt, a skylight was built into the roof to let him feel connected to Heaven even if he couldn't see it for the rain. It was a symbol of hope, of tikva, that the whole earth had become now one mikva, one giant pool of water, consisting of forty (time) units of rain, paralleling the mikva's forty units of volume (seah). The Talmud tells us that the volume of a mikvah is also the volume which could contain 5760 (chicken) eggs. With the spillover of violence with the the New Year 5761, the waters of the mikva are now overflowing, threatening a new flood over all the earth. Not a flood of water which G*d promised would never reoccur, but a flood of fire.
As Adam was ten generations from Noah, who was ten generations from Avraham, mankind needs to incorporate the peace blueprint of the Ten Commandments for her survival. Mankind is ever moving to greater independence, greater autonomy, incorporating G*d's will as its own will, but out of choice rather than coercion. Teshuva exists. Teshuva literally means to return, to come back from the abyss. Noah's generation chose to ignore it. We must learn not to repeat their error.
As Noah looked through the skylight, trusting that all will be good in the end, so too, we must look heavenward and trust in the same.
Shabbat Shalom. Good Shabbos.
Midrash Tanchuma, Qedoshim.
The waters of the mikva spilled over on Rosh HaShana 5761. It started on the Temple Mount in Jerusalem, and it will engulf the world.
Matthew 24:37 But as the days of Noah were, so also will the coming of the Son of Man be.
Build your ark with the 91st Psalm. Build it with scriptures about your deliverance. Build it by abiding in the Almighty. Build it by saying with your mouth, "He is my refuge. He is my fortress. He is my God. In Him will I trust and on Him I lean and rely."
Build a (literal) ark?
NO....... Seems that the same passage later promised that He'd never destroy the earth by water again.
Now, He didn't rule out fire, brimstone, earthquakes, meteors, apathy, or liberals .... but He did absolutely rule out water.
Bob, this is a "two hershey bar" question and one I've often wondered about, so I went to various sources to see if this is the excepted spelling for GOD.
NELSON'S NEW ILLUSTRATED BIBLE DICTIONARY gave me various names for GOD, Jehovah/Yahweh is another name for GOD. It is taken from the verb "to be" meaning simply, "HE IS". There is only one place in the Bible, Exodus 3:14, where the full name of GOD is found. It means "I am who I am" or "I will be who I will be".
Within my family are two ministers, both spell GOD, not G-D.
One thing I did notice in all of the reference books, not a single one spells GOD's name G-D, therefore I have come to the conclusion that the correct spelling for his name is GOD and that it is not a sin. If it isn't a sin, then how can they be absolved of something that doesn't exist?
I had a neighbor look at that designation and they thought it was the abreviation for a certain phrase that takes GOD's name in vain and to be perfectly candid, the first time that I saw it, I thought the same thing. This forum is the only place that I see this done. It makes me wonder...
Different branches of Judaism hold the statement in Deuteronomy 12: 3-4 "3..you shall tear down the graven images of their gods and you shall destroy their names out of that place 4.You shall not do so unto the Lord your G-d..." with varying degrees of strictness. Some think that writing out the name of G-d in any language other than Hebrew doesn't count, some think that writing out "G-d" on the computer doesn't count, and so on. I was taught that you do not write out the word "G-d" because it was commanded and as a sign of respect, in English or Hebrew.
"GOD, NAMES OF - the titles or designations given to GOD throughout the Bible. In the ancient world, knowing another's name was a special privilege that offered access to that person's thought and life. GOD favored His people by revealing Himself by several names that offered special insight into His love and righteousness."
Jehovah/Yahweh.One of the most important names for GOD in the Old Testament is Yahweh, or Jehovah, from the verb "to be," meaning simply, but profoundly, "He Is." His full name is found only in Exodus 3:14 and means "I am who I am" or "I will be who I will be." The four letter Hebrew word YHWH was the name by which GOD revealed himself to Moses at the Burning Bush (Exodus 3:14). This bush was a vivid symbol of the inexhaustible dynamism of GOD who burns like a fire with love and righteousness, yet remains the same and never diminishes. Some English translations of the Bible vocalize the word as Jehovah, while others use Yahweh.
GOD is the author of life and salvation . His "I am" espresses the fact that He is the infinite and original personal GOD who is behind everything and to whom everything must finally be traced. "I am who I am" signals the truth that nothing else defines who GOD is but GOD Himself. What He says and does is who He is. The inspired Scriptures are the infallible guide to understanding who GOD is by what He says about Himself and what He does. Yahweh is the all powerful and sovereign GOD who alone defines Himself and establishes truth for his creatures and works for their salvation.
Moses was called to proclaim deliverance to the people and was told by GOD, "Thus you shall say to the children of Israel, 'I AM has sent me to you'" (Exodus 3:14). In the deliverance of the Herew people from slavery in Egypt, GOD revealed a deeper significance to His name. But He had already disclosed Himself to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob as Yahweh. Each of them had called on the name of the Lord (Yahweh)(Genesis 12:8; 13:4; 26:25; Exodus 3:15) as the GOD who protects and blesses. Yet Exodus 6:3 shows that Abraham, Isaac and Jacob did not know the fuller meaning of Yahweh, which was to be revealed to Moses and the Hebrew people in His role as Redeemer during the Exodus experience.
The divine name Yahweh is usually translated "Lord" in English versions of the Bible, because it bacame a practice in late Old Testament Judaism not to pronounce the sacred name YHWH, but to say instead "My Lord" (Adonai)- a practice still used today in the synagogue. When the vowels of Adonai were attached to the consonants YHWH in the medieval period, the word Jehovah resulted. Today, many Christians use the word Yahweh, the more original pronunciation, not hesitating to name the divine name since Jesus taught believers to speak in familiar way to GOD."
These are the other names for GOD that are listed in this article:Jehovah-jireh - The Lord Will Provide;Jehovah-nissi - The Lord Is My Banner; Jehovah-shalom - The Lord Is Peace; Jehovah-shammah - The Lord Is There; Jehovah-tsebaoth - The Lord of Hosts; Jehovah Elohe Yisrael - The Lord GOD of Israel; El - Another important root name for GOD in the Old Testament. By itself, it refers to GOD in a general sense.;Elohim - The plural form of El, but usually translated in the singular.
Several important names of GOD identify him as Branch of Righteousness, King, Wisdom, shepherd, servant, Word of GOD, and Glory. This information is from Nelson's New Illustrated Bible Dictionary.
I have always been taught that we do not know the true name, that it is unpronouncable.
If it is true that Satan trembles at the mention (spoken) of GOD, then why would he not tremble at the written name of GOD? Also, since Jesus said that "He that has seen me, has seen the the Father" (John21:25), why don't they also write the name of Jesus as J---S? This would seem logical since GOD is FATHER, SON, and HOLY GHOST -one in three and three in one.
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