Posted on 01/01/2002 12:07:51 AM PST by sweetliberty
Vanity with a purpose: FReepers, post some of the funniest stuff you've run across this past year for some big laughs to start the new year!
There are a few on this list that are real good comebacks for liberals!
This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired. However, he is currently suing the Lotus / Word Perfect Company for "Termination without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations)!
"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Nothing."
Nothing?"
It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes, the office lights are off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too f****n' stupid to own a computer."
California Driving Rules
The basic principles for driving in the State of California are as follows:
"Yes, I need to get a replacement part."
"What model is it?"
"A Dimension, just got it last week."
"And what part do you need?"
"The cup holder, it never did work right".
"Cup holder?"
"Yes, I put my coffee cup in, it tried to close and just broke…"
http://www.FreeRepublic.com/forum/a3b5f1fae6308.htm
News Keywords: PUMPKIN
Source: Washington Magazine
Published: 7.25.01
Posted by meandog
Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the jail.
Lawrence went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice the Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's . . . just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'
He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?
This was in the "Washington Magazine" . . . the title of the article was "Best Comeback Line Ever." This is pretty damn good. . . drunk and horny, he still came up with this!
Posted by meandog
A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand.
A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?"
"Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally.
About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's member is being exhibited for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH GOD . . .they got my girlfriend too!!!"
THE ADS FROM WOMEN
40-ish.................. 48
Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic................ Flat-chested
Average looking......... Ugly
Beautiful............... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin
Educated................ College dropout
Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
Feminist................ Fat; ball buster
Free spirit............. Substance user
Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun..................... Annoying
Gentle.................. Comatose
Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
Heath Care Professional.. Hillary Clinton
New-Age................. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded............. Desperate
Outgoing................ Loud
Passionate.............. Loud
Poet.................... Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional............ Real Witch
Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat
Romantic................ Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous.............. Very Fat
Weight proportional to height.................. Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking
Widow................... Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart.......... Toothless crone
------------------------------------------------------------
THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST
40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking............ Arrogant
Honest.................. Pathological Liar
Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent
Mature.................. Until you get to know him
Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer
What a great line!
German penises 'too small for EU condoms'
http://www.FreeRepublic.com/forum/a3b5e54bd0ea7.htmNews
Keywords: EU,SOCIALISM
Source: Ananova Published: 24th July 2001
Posted by Zadokite
Germany has demanded a rethink on EU guidelines on condom size after finding its average penis did not measure up. Doctors around Essen were ordered by the government's health department to check out the average size suggested by Brussels. They reported the EU has overestimated the size of the average penis by almost 20% and insist other countries will discover the same.
Urologist Gunther Hagler, head of the team compiling the research, said: "By checking hundreds of patients we found German penises were too small for standard EU condoms. "On average they were 14.48 cms long and 3.95 cms wide. That makes them much smaller than the EU standard condom size of 17 cms in length and 5.6 cms in width."
He denied the German man was any smaller than the rest of Europe, adding: "We think the EU has got its sums wrong, and if other countries were to check out their men's assets they would find the EU has made a mistake in its calculations.
"There should be a rethink and the EU statisticians should check their figures again. After all, they have also ruled EU standard condoms should be able to hold 18 litres of fluid without breaking, which also seems a bit excessive."
Posted by Zadokite
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blind man sparks gun permit debate
Source: Lansing State Journal
Published: 18 October 2001 Author: staff
Posted by 45Auto
David Gordon believes he meets all the requirements to be granted a Michigan concealed weapons permit, even if he is blind. The Portage man is over the age of 21, he has completed a gun-safety course and doesn't have a criminal record or history of mental illness.
Gordon's application for a concealed weapons permit in Kalamazoo County has touched off debate over the rights of the blind to carry guns. Michigan's law does not specifically exclude people with disabilities or include any shooting accuracy requirements. Gordon said he is not an activist for gun rights, but he has been mugged twice - once at gunpoint - and knew a blind man who was beaten in the late 1980s.
"I've been in situations where I've experienced fear. I have the right to protect myself if I'm in danger," said Gordon, 52, who has been certified by a veteran gun instructor.
County gun board members are expected to consider Gordon's application on Oct. 24. "On the surface of it, I think it's highly unlikely Gordon will receive a permit," said gun board Chairman Phillip Reames, a firearms instructor.
Reames said Gordon would probably fall under a section of the law denying permits to those considered a danger to themselves or others. The gun board plans to discuss the application with Gordon. Gun rights advocates say Gordon deserves to be treated like anyone else.
But Joy Livingston, president of the Southwest Michigan Million Mom March/Brady Campaign, argued it's an issue of public safety overriding individual rights.
But Joy Livingston, Idiot president of the Southwest Michigan Million Mom March/Brady Campaign, argued it's an issue of public safety overriding individual rights.
Wrong, as usual. Of course, that's what the bastids would like to see; arbitrary laws that cite ANY reason to override the 2nd for everyone. I can see some irony in this if Mr. Gordon sues over not getting his permit and using the libs Americans with Disabilities Act to cite "prejudice" against the handicapped!
posted by 45Auto
For Men: 15 Things you can do at Wal-Mart while your wife/girlfriend is taking her sweet time shopping:
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3 in housewares,'...and see what happens.
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'.
12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say 'PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!'
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream 'NO! NO! It's those voices again'.
15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly .. 'Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!'.
What ARE you talking about?
1. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
2. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
3. Where there's a will ... I want to be on it.
4. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
5. Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
6. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies out of the trunk.
7. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
8. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
9. Be nice to your kids. They will pick out your nursing home.
10. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a Presidential Election that was too close to call. Neither the Republican presidential candidate, nor the Democratic presidential candidate had enough votes to win the election. It was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the final winner. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice-fishing competition seemed the fairest way to settle things. The candidate who catches the most fish at the end of the week wins.
After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote and cold lake in Minnesota. There were to be no observers present since both men were to be sent out on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for counting and verification.
At the end of the first day, George W. Bush returns to the starting line and he has 10 fish. Al Gore returns and has zero fish. Well, everyone as sumed Al is just having another bad hair day or something and hopefully he will catch up the next day.
At the end of the 2nd date George W. comes in with 20 fish and Al Gore comes in again with none. That evening, Bill Clinton gets together secretly with Al Gore and says; "Al, I think George W. is a lowlife cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I'm a gonna dress this good ole' Southern Boy, James Carville, as a jackass (now some folks say this wouldn't be too hard to do) and send him out to the lake to act as a spy."
The next night after George W. comes back with 50 fish and Al Gore with none, Bill gets Carville and Al Gore together and says to Carville: "Well, what about it boy, is George W. cheatin'?"
"He sure is, Bill, he's cuttin' holes in the ice!"
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