If you die tomorrow, what does your family need to know today? (Lawyer Needs Freeper Help)

JD86 | 12/06/01 | JD86

[JD86]

If you die tomorrow, what does your family need to know today? (Lawyer Needs Freeper Help)

I'm an attorney who helps clients with estate planning and other money matters, but I won't claim that I "know it all". I need Freeper advice.

I once had an elderly client who always told his family "When I die, everything you need is in the manila folder". When he died, we searched high and low but we never did find that folder. As a result, it took years to settle his estate.

That shouldn't happen. I am putting together a booklet for my clients - a checklist of sorts - to help them keep track of important family information.

I'm asking for your suggestions. What would you include in such a checklist?

First - the practical. Doctor's name, where's the will, your desires regarding any minor children ... what else?

Second - the emotional. Would you tell your children you are proud of them? To stop smoking? Dump their lousy mate? What else?

Is there anything you would change about what your parents did? Have you made a checklist yet? If so, what's on it?

Also, if you are incapacitated but don't die, what then?

I have a client who has all her medications listed and taped to the inside of her kitchen cabinet and all her family knows where to find it. Do you have any other ideas like that?

Thanks to all in advance for your suggestions. Please post or send me FreeperMail.

[Jaidyn]

My uncle's brother died several years ago and was cremated. His ashes were to be scattered over Indian Lake near here. Dick was steering the bass boat in the back and his other brother was spreading the ashes in the front as the boat glided over the water. Dick stood up and yelled at his brother, Bob,

Oh, my God, I just ate my brother!

[JD86]

I have my own "manila folder" containing the kind of info being suggested here, and my wife, mother, and sister know where it is. One thing that I have in mine that I haven;t seen here (maybe I missed it): desired funerla arrangements. Do you want to be buried? Cremated? Anything you'd like on your headstone? My funeral list includes the lessons and gospel readings I want at my service; the hymns I want sung, and the prelude and postlude to be played. It says I want to be cremated. It give specific instructions for what is to be done with my ashes. Just something else you might want to consider including.

These are all great things to think about. It helps the family too if they don't have to make the decisions at a stressful time. I know that it has been a big help to me that my parents have already made all these decisions...now I can just concentrate on enjoying their last days....which I hope are years and years from now.

[JD86]

Oh my goodness!

[JD86]

I have also been receiving lots of Freeper mail on this subject. Lots of ideas from other attorneys and from CPAs. I am going to go back through them and post some of the general ideas. Please remember that all of the professionals who are posting on this thread are licensed in individual states and they are concerned with someone from a different state taking what they post out of context. Please use the ideas presented here to start thinking about your own family issues. Then consult with an attorney, a CPA, or some other professional in your state to see how best to proceed in your personal situation. I appreciate everyone who has posted, especially the personal stories.

[The Raven]

>>How about your Free Republic screen name and password, so they could tell your friends here?

They don't realize I'm here now !!!! I was hoping with the new laws allowing the FBI to eavesdrop on the web that someone would finally be reading my posts.

[JD86]

Thanks for checking in Raven. I am sure there are people here who would miss your wit and wisdom....:)

[Silly]

The only advice my father ever gave to me was, "Save string."

Just being,

[JD86]

LOL....did he ever tell you what to do with it after you had it?

[Jaidyn]

I am not officially prepared. My kids know what I want and agree to it. I don't have much in life. Why is it that we are wealthy when we die? I wish to be cremated, too, after donating my body to medical science. I prefer that needed parts are available for the living, first. My nephew is an attorney so perhaps I better get my butt in gear. I have three wonderful sons who are devoted to each other as well as to me. The problem, if there are any, would be with my daughters-in-law who are good women, but who are opinionated as well. That is where the icky stuff might enter in.

[JD86]

Talk to your nephew. He will know the personalities involved and help guide you through the "icky" stuff. The good part is by the time your daughters-in-law find out what is in the will, you won't be here to listen to them....:)

Talk to your nephew about per stirpes distribution. It is a very good thing.

[JD86]

I have been reading the mail and one of the points made is that doing simple things now avoids complications later. Of course, many of the decisions depend on the type of assets and the type of family. But the basics are still making decisions, getting them in writing and then making certain someone in your family knows where to find everything if you are no longer available to tell them.

[JD86]

Also in the mail, a reminder about intestacy laws. Some people have commented that they didn't have a will yet. Actually what they mean is that they don't have a will they wrote. If a person doesn't execute a will before they die, or if the will can't be found after they die, the state in which they resided has an intestacy law. That tells how the estate will be distributed if there is no will. Sometimes that means everything ends up going to a long lost relative no one remembers or no one likes. Lesson: talk to an attorney and write your own will. You probably won't like the one your state legislature wrote for you.

[Twins613]

I have been reading the mail and one of the points made is that doing simple things now avoids complications later.

JD, any thoughts about how to convince someone of the need to take a specific course of action? My mother-in-law is getting on in years and I've been trying to get her to get a will done for about ten years now without success. Obviously my words haven't worked .. is there anything you tell people to convince them of the need to look ahead?

[JD86]

Tell her you found out that she doesn't have to worry about writing a will anymore. That your state legislature and your governor have taken care of that for her.
If I remember correctly who your governor is, that might move her to action...:) Just a thought.

[JD86]

Seriously, I have found with most people it is not what you say but how you say it. Parables work well for me. Maybe you could tell her a story you heard/read about a lady who didn't have a will and when she died......and fill in your mother-in-law's worst fear...ie the government got all the money...her sister who hadn't talked to her in 10 years got all the money....there was a big fight and the lawyers got all the money.....that last one usually works for everybody. Good luck.

[Twins613]

If I remember correctly who your governor is, that might move her to action...:) Just a thought.

Now, now, no fair scaring the poor woman :) ..

I'm a former financial planner and I know the rules regarding dying intestate .. but my problem with her is more psychological than anything else. I've explained what COULD happen .. but it doesn't seem to spur any sense of urgency with her. Perhaps confronting mortality is the issue, but I don't know that for sure.

[JD86]

Okay, read #295 and if you don't think any of those would work...try this. Get all your stuff in order and then go tell her the general plan. How you have provided for your son etc. Even if she is being stubborn...or doesn't want to think about it...she might want to then do something for her children and/or grandchildren.
And tell her you planned ahead because you didn't want the lawyers to get all the money...I am serious, that works with alot of people.

[JD86]

Perhaps confronting mortality is the issue

This is the issue for alot of people...they somehow think that if they don't think about it, they won't die. I had one client family where the wife really wanted to be buried in a mausoleum because....she is claustrophobic and didn't want to be buried under ground (just stay with me a minute) and she wanted her husband to go with her to pick out a place for both of them. He wouldn't go because he felt like if he had a burial place picked out and paid for, he would die. So... they were at an impass. Enter the lawyer and friend...I went to the cemetary, got all the information on the mausoleum, cost, availability, everything. Then I took the paperwork to the couple and told the husband all he had to do was go to the cemetary office, pick which spot he wanted and write a check. So he did....and the wife is now happy because she picked the top level...no one will be on top of them...:) and it has been ten years and the husband hasn't died yet...:) and everything is taken care of so their children don't have to deal with it later. All is well that ends well. But first, sometimes, you have to deal with people's fears....then they will move forward.

[JD86]

Does anyone else have any stories to share on how they talked parents or in-laws into getting their wills done?

[mass55th]

"This might be a good idea in your case. I don't know how large your estate is, and I don't know your sons. If the advice came from an attorney in your state, go with it. If it came from your neighbor who is a plumber....check with your attorney. There may be a better way to accomplish what you want to accomplish."

No large estate, no house or property. Bank advised it, so I did it. They said it's a good idea to have the name of a relative on the account so that they would be able to have access to what is in there immediately after my death.