Posted on 10/20/2001 2:00:04 PM PDT by Psycho_Bunny
For the benefit of the newbies:
If you're gonna do it, you might as well do it right. This then is my brief, incomplete guide to making the Flame of the Week.
Leave your reason at the door. You must NOT have any form of conventional logic in your flame. If you're thinking then you're not writing a flame. This is possibly the hardest aspect of producing a flame and that is why we start with it. Unless you are suffering from a mental illness, you will have spent most of your life following a complex set of social rules. These are a hindrance when attempting a flame. You must create your own world and speak from there. There is no single way to do this, although tired and tested methods include illegal drug intake, sleep deprivation, compulsive masturbation and listening to Marilyn Manson.
Don't make it too long. This is an immediate signal that some form of reasoning is going on. A true flamer has at most three paragraphs in him/her before the sheer fury and hatred overcomes them and they pass out on their keyboard - hitting the send button with their forehead.
Pick a topic to rant about but for God's sake don't read anymore than the first paragraph. And don't read this very carefully either. There are jokes and smatterings of sarcasm and irony in here but these aren't for you. Everything you (don't) read is the literal truth as I see it. Once you haven't grasped the story you can start to twist the words into whatever makes you most angry.
Tie in your hatreds/prejudices. This goes with the previous point. Remember, a flame is not about responding to a story - it is merely the vehicle by which you can tell the world what's wrong with it. You must however pay the story lip service before you start to explain why kids/dogs/Indians/George Davison/women/socks/voodoo3 are the most useless and evil things in existence.
For god's sake, don't start using correct grammar. Apostrophes, capital letters, full stops do not exist in your world. And why spell a word correctly when you can write it phonetically and still get the meaning across? If possible, try to make the flame one long sentence (this is not to be attempted by first-time flamers though). Also, try to write the flame as fast as possible and you'll find many mistakes just create themselves.
Be deeply and personally abusive to the person you're writing to. Try to imagine them sleeping with your partner and laughing at you at the same time. Use all the blind hatred that the government has piled into you to help it start a war - for example, repeating the word Saddam, Slobodan, commie, or spy plane over and over again, louder and louder. Then throw out whatever comes into your head.
Word of warning: don't use too many swear words. Odd one this, but while true flamers will not let a sentence slip past without at least one profanity, imitators put in too many. You see, the flamer will - somewhere deep deep down - have a point to make. Swear words are only to be used when the struggle to explain just how wrong the world is becomes too much to bear and a good "f*ck" relieves the pressure in their skulls - briefly.
Do not reread your flame. Tell yourself you will send it as soon as you think you have finished. This will give you the element of spontaneity and will not give your rational mind time to interject.
Celebrate a successful flame by killing something. Many compulsive flamers keep a jar of insects next to their desk just for this reason.
GET BENT.
A sadist and a masochist decided they were made for each other.
They got married.
On the wedding night the masochist begged, "Beat me!"
The sadist replied,"Nooooooooo."
FYI, this is how the rest of the internet acts...
Sicko!
Most of us who have been around for a while realize that it's irrelevant that my allegations are 100% true. Proper Flaming Crowd distrusts my information and arguments and will forever maintain its current opinions. Other than that, we need to look beyond the most immediate and visible problems with Proper Flaming Crowd. We need to look at what is behind these problems and understand that if Proper Flaming Crowd is going to make an emotional appeal, then it should also include a rational argument. Viewed from all angles, Proper Flaming Crowd has been deluding people into believing that the laws of nature don't apply to it. Don't let it delude you, too.
You are, I'm sure, well aware that it's about time Proper Flaming Crowd stopped claiming its rabid, detestable ultimata were influenced by outside sources and just admitted it was wrong. But did you know that most people are loath to admit that whenever Proper Flaming Crowd finds itself confronted by the law, it insists it needs reforming? I'll let you in on a little secret: it is easy to see from the foregoing that I am merely pointing out what I have observed. Am I being too harsh for writing that? Maybe I am, but that's really the only way you can push a point through to Proper Flaming Crowd. After being called "wrongheaded, perfidious wisenheimers" a hundred times or so by Proper Flaming Crowd and its helots, my friends and I have reached the conclusion that I overheard one of Proper Flaming Crowd's bedfellows say, "Proper Flaming Crowd acts in the public interest." This quotation demonstrates the power of language, as it epitomizes the "us/them" dichotomy within hegemonic discourse. As for me, I prefer to use language to build a true community of spirit and purpose based on mutual respect and caring. While I don't question Proper Flaming Crowd's motives, and I certainly understand the frustrations of its shills, it recently stated that it can pamper heartless politicos and get away with it. It said that with a straight face, without even cracking a smile or suppressing a giggle. It said it as if it meant it. That's scary, because it appears to have found a new tool to use to help it shout obscenities at passers-by. That tool is nepotism, and if you watch it wield it, you'll indeed see why it says that it has a "special" perspective on unilateralism which carries with it a "special" right to operate on a criminal -- as opposed to a civil disobedience -- basis. That's a stupid thing to say. It's like saying that it is omnipotent. I would like to close by saying that the need Proper Flaming Crowd's cat's-paws have for its intrusive platitudes is especially strong as a means of transferring blame -- an outlet for the despair they face when normal channels of protest and change are closed.
So what you're saying is...you don't know how to format?
"FLAME ON!"
Insert Flame Here!
< /FLAME>
Garde la Foi, mes amis! Nous nous sommes les sauveurs de la République! Maintenant et Toujours!
(Keep the Faith, my friends! We are the saviors of the Republic! Now and Forever!)
LoanPalm, le Républicain du verre cassé (The Broken Glass Republican)
As amazing as it seems, I see how important Focault's Pendulum's foolhardy doctrines are to his compeers and I laugh. I laugh because I find that I am embarrassed. Embarrassed that some people just don't realize that if one dares to criticize even a single tenet of his harangues, one is promptly condemned as truculent, crass, debauched, or whatever epithet he deems most appropriate, usually without much explanation. Take it from me: I find Focault's Pendulum's cop-outs silly, egocentric, unambitious, and more than a little crapulous. That's clear. But I truly dislike Focault's Pendulum. Likes or dislikes, however, are irrelevant to observed facts, such as that Focault's Pendulum's helots believe that everything is happy and fine and good. Although it is perhaps impossible to change the perspective of those who have such beliefs, I wish nevertheless to argue about Focault's Pendulum's cajoleries. I shall not argue that Focault's Pendulum's newsgroup postings are an authentic map of his plan to let us know exactly what our attitudes should be towards various types of people and behavior. Read them and see for yourself.
I am not trying to save the world -- I gave up that pursuit a long time ago. But I am trying to debate the efficacy of Focault's Pendulum's smarmy, malodorous ramblings. I, hardheaded cynic that I am, pledge -- in my daily life, in my family, my work, my community, my country, and my region -- to stand uncompromised in a world that's on the brink of Focault's Pendulum-induced disaster. But even if we disregard all that and examine only Focault's Pendulum's possession-obsessed revenge fantasies, this seems to me to be enough to show that when Focault's Pendulum was first found trying to fuel the censorship-and-intolerance crowd, I was scared. I was scared not only for my personal safety; I was scared for the people I love. And now that Focault's Pendulum is planning to criticize other people's beliefs, fashion sense, and lifestyle, I'm indubitably downright terrified. If we intend to defend democracy, we had best learn to recognize its primary enemy and not be afraid to stand up and call him by name. That name is Focault's Pendulum.
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