I will affirm this, Quix... My eldest daughter (who just turned 16) and I don’t always see eye to eye (does any child and parent???). HOWEVER, our relationship is lightyears away from the rebellion, anger, wrath, rage, malice, and craziness, etc... that marked the relationship between my father and I at her age.
In counseling when I was a young adult (19-23), repeatedly the same thing kept coming to the forefront in my mind and was at the bottom of a host of problems — “WHY DIDN’T HE LOVE ME”. My father would say, “But I worked hard to give you this nice house, 2 cars, etc.. etc..” (I lived in an upper-middle class area and didn’t go without any MATERIAL needs). I recall saying to him one day literally, “I don’t care about any of that stuff, I could care less. We could live in a slum for all I care. All I’ve ever wanted was your love...”.
So yes, I would have to say your analysis fits in perfectly with my experiences.
That is one thing I am so grateful of... My children, indeed my family, have had our fair share of problems through their childhood (my being assaulted, losing our home, etc.. etc..) however, they have had one constant that I never had — they KNOW that their Dad and I love them unconditionally... And, THAT, has made all the difference in the world as to how they have handled some of the harder parts of our lives thus far... I thank the L-rd for that.
Oh, and my daughter just showed up and read this... And she agrees, too! ;)
Just wanted to say that I know the abuse I suffered, vs. the way we have raised our children probably has a lot to do with the difference in the relationship between parent and child in our household as well... I do realize that perhaps it’s not quite fair to compare the two in light of the fact that my children were not abused as I was... However, I still think there is a basis for what you’ve said Quix. Not all children rebel due to outright abuse — but ALL will rebel (IMO) if they don’t know love...
Trying to bring tears again, are you.
to repeat . . . about 30 years ago, I read a study that summarized all the research to date about parenting and discipline styles effecting the results of success as adults.
1. Success as adults was defined as
A) staying out of trouble with the law
B) having stable gainful employment
C) staying off welfare
D) STable marriage . . . as I recall. not 100% certain of the last one but I’m 99% sure it was that one.
They studied
1. socio economic status.
2. laisez faire lax discipline
3. authoritarian discipline
4. authoritative discipline
5. physical discipline
6. no physical discipline
and a host of other variables.
ONE VARIABLE ACCOUNTED FOR 80% OF THE VARIANCE AS TO WHETHER THE CHILD WOULD SUCCEED AS AN ADULT.
WHAT WAS THAT ONE VARIABLE?
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NO, NOT whether the child was LOVED OR NOT.
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WHETHER the child
FELT
LOVED
or not.
RELATIVELY SPEAKING, NOTHING ELSE MATTERED.