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After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker's technical support line for assistance...

Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?

Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer...

Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply...

Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files...

Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it...

Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command...

For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded...

Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem...

Customer: I knew it!

Technician: Just add the line 'LOAD NOSMOKE.EXE' at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes...

About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer...

Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking...

Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

Customer: MS-DOS 6.22...

Technician: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out...

When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...

Customer: I need a new power supply...

Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?

Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply...

Technician: What did he tell you?

Customer: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE...

(my son tells me it really is like this sometimes...LOL)

A cowboy rides up to a saloon on his horse. He goes in, orders a drink, then leaves. His horse is gone. He goes back to the saloon, and asks, "Where's my horse?"

No one replies. So he says, "I'll order one more drink, and then if my horse isn't outside, I'll have to do what i did in Texas and I don't like doing that."

So the locals hurry around, and when he leaves, his horse is outside.

As the stranger gets on his horse, the bartender asks, "What did you do in Texas?" to which the cowboy replies, "I had to walk home."

One day Mom was cleaning Junior’s room and in the closet she found a
bondage S&M magazine.

This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father
got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.
So she asked him, “What should we do about this?”

Dad looked at her and said, “Well I don’t think you should spank him.”

* * *
Nag, nag, nag

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to
get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be
hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the
governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, “What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?” And
on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client had been
granted his stay of execution after all.

Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to
give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by
the sight of her husband’s rear end as he was bent over naked drying his
legs and feet.

“They’re not hanging Wright tonight,” she said.

He whirled around and screamed, “FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN DON’T YOU EVER
STOP

* * *
Paul Newman

A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small New England town
where Paul Newman and his family often visited. One Sunday morning, the
woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she
decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She
hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to
the combination bakery/ice cream parlor. There was only one other patron in
the store: Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.
The woman’s heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous
baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously and the star-struck woman smiled
demurely.

Pull yourself together, she chided herself. You’re a happily married woman
with three children; you’re forty-five years old, not a teenager! The clerk
filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one
hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even
a glance in Paul Newman’s direction.

When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change -
but her other hand was empty. Where’s my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in
the store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in
the clerk’s hand or in a holder on the counter or something. But no ice
cream cone was in sight.

With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His face broke into his
familiar warm, friendly grin and he said to the woman, “You put it in your
purse.”