I did find this however, maybe Fred can use it to find out if he is a member.
YOU MIGHT BE A MEMBER IF ...
With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy of “Redneck” joke fame, you might be a member of the church of Christ …
• If you know exactly what song I’m talking about when I ask you to turn to number 728b.
• If you could recite all the books of the Bible before you could even read them.
• If you know the first and third verse of nearly every song.
• If you actually know what a “ready recollection” is and have been thoroughly “guide-guard-and-directed” all your life. (If you’re really a member, you know that “guide-guard-and-directed” must be followed by “and-bring-us-back-at-the-next-appointed-time.”)
• If you think “progressive” refers to those in the church who want a sound system and PowerPoint.
• If you can actually read shape notes.
• If you think your chosen pew is “sacred” and no one else should sit in your spot.
• If you think the Bible questions on Jeopardy are way too easy.
• If you decide which Bible translation to use based on how Acts 2:38 reads.
• If you immediately reach for your wallet when you hear the phrase, “Now, separate and apart from the Lord’s Supper … ”
• If “chosen frozen” refers to your early worship service that resembles a country church 50 years ago, and “happy clappy” describes your late service that the chosen frozen are deeply concerned about.
• If you know all the words to all the verses of Trust and Obey.
• If you’ve ever ridden a JOY bus. (And, of course, you know that JOY stands for “Jesus” first, “Others” second and “Yourself” last.)
• If, when you’re happy and you know it, you clap your hands, stomp your feet and say “Amen!”
• If you’ve ever carried your Bible in an empty casserole dish.
• If you brought that casserole dish to the last fellowship meal, and the main ingredient in it was cream of mushroom soup.
• If you’ve ever heard a rambunctious young child yell “Pray for me! Pray for me!” as his mother whisked him down the aisle to the foyer.
• If you’ve ever wondered who Ebon Pinion was.
• If you think the term “church of Christ humor” is an oxymoron.
• If you’ve ever heard an announcement from the pulpit about a missing puppet.
• If you think the Chronicle is way too liberal.
• If you’ve ever prayed for those “who are sick of this congregation.”
• If you’ve never been to a church that wasn’t named after the street it was on.
• If you think the Chronicle is way too conservative.
• If you’ve been to a wedding or a funeral where “the invitation” was offered.
• If you’ve stood for 13 verses of Just As I Am with the last stanza sung softly.
Thanks for posting this - it really rings so true.
I especially like the "chosen frozen" and the "happy clappy". I have never heard the terms but I am sure they are out there. I can just hear the young among themselves calling us the chosen frozen. And, we do worry about what the young, "happy clappy" are trying to do to the church. The elders have their hands full trying to make each side understand the other and to calm the fears.
oh my gosh. I just posted a minister-wanted ad in the christian chronicle. My mom said she thought it was too liberal.