Team America: Conservatives Will Love it

DebbieSchlussel.com ^ | October 14, 2004 | Debbie Schlussel

[Cool Chick]

"Team America" Rocks October 14 , 2004 Printer Friendly

No wonder Sean Penn is miffed at Matt Stone and Trey Parker.

He and other liberal airhead celebs--like Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins, and Alec Baldwin--finally get their comeuppance.

They’re dismembered, incinerated, and otherwise tortuously eliminated by the “South Park” creators.

Unfortunately, it’s just the puppet version. And it’s only on celluloid. The real-life versions of these self-righteous glitterati pains in the rear are still with us.

But it’s always nice to fantasize -- as Stone and Parker do in Team America: World Police, a cinematic political satire, which debuts Friday.

Just like in real-life (though they won’t admit it), George Clooney, Matt Damon, Samuel L. Jackson, and other assorted idiotic Hollywoodites, are working with the terrorists. In this film, they are literally working with the terrorists—led by Baldwin and North Korean Communist leader Kim Jong-Il—to destroy us.

Reminiscent of John Kerry, power-mad marionette versions of Baldwin and his fellow Hollywooders kvetch that the War on Terror has made the world hate us. But the puppet-celebs hate us with equal vigor and work to stop Team America.

Penn constantly spouts off about his trip to Iraq, last year. On a Peter Jennings (who strangely escapes Stone’s and Parker’s ire) broadcast, Penn fertilizes lyrical on Iraqi life before “Team America”: “They had rivers of chocolate,” and the children had “gumdrop smiles.” Sounds more like the set of “Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”

As members of the “Film Actors Guild”, they are all FAGs.

Mustard-stained Michael Moore is a homicide bomber, blowing himself to bits (after stuffing himself with hot dogs, while protesting the War on Terror)!

I think I’ve just found my new fave filmmakers.

TO READ THE REST, GO TO: http://www.debbieschlussel.com/

[Jeff Chandler]

As members of the “Film Actors Guild”, they are all FAGs.

At least John Kerry didn't mention that in the last debate.

[BullDog108]

I think I'll go watch it. I havn't seen a movie at a theater all year. More comments about it here.

[BullDog108]

Oh, and welcome to Free Republic!

[Jet Jaguar]

Good first post!

[Ma3lst0rm]

I saw the movie yesterday and it was great. Especially to see the part where Moore went homicidal and blew himself up. I found it to have a metaphorical element to it, especially since Mount Rushmore was left in ruins because of him. How much division and hate has he created in America against America with his propaganda? I thought the first half of the movie was hilarious, the last part of movie was lacking some.

[orangelobster]

I hope this isn't a joke posting. This sounds too good to be true. If this is accurate I don't know how this picture made it through the studio system.

[OlBlue]

Just be warned that it is a movie for ADULTs or older teens. Prepare to be shocked, and bring your cast iron sensitivities. If Southpark offends you, give it a miss.

As for myself, I enjoyed it greatly and so did the audience I saw it with. It's scoring very high with the critics as well. I also note that it's not in particularly wide circulation in SoCal, which is hurting it's ticket sales. The large theaters which recently brought back Fahrenheit 9-11 seem to be giving it the cold shoulder.

[semaj]

Saw it Friday. I give it 2 out of 5 stars. The miniature sets were pretty neat,I also likethe way the creators poke fun at just about everything. The constant vulgarity and gay humor wore thin within the first 15 minutes of the movie though. Ho Hum.

[HHFi]

GREEEEEEEEAT MOVIE! They not only show what stupid, blind, pompous, self-righteous useful idiots all these celebrities are, but then they kill them in the most hilariously grisly and violent ways possible: Garofalo's head exploding, Susan Sarandon being thrown off a building and splattering below, Tim Robbins catching on fire, etc.

My favorite celebrity line is from terrorist tool Alec Baldwin, the leader of the Film Actors Guild (F.A.G.), when he says they will use their celebrity power to remake the world, and someday people will look on the world they created and say, "Thanks a lot, FAG! Way to go, FAG!"

[Fiddlstix]

Welcome to FR

[mozarky2]

I think we need to institute a mandatory pic policy for Debbie Schlussel articles-YOWZA!

[gore_sux]

Just saw it last night and I am very hopeful that this movie will combat the F911 propoganda in the minds of our voting age youth and may have a positive effect for Bush.

I thought that the entire movie was a metaphor. Reading the reviews beforehand, they all said it was "equal opportunity" bashing of left right etc... but I definitely didn't see that. The only thing that could be considered "negative" from the Team America standpoint is that they were a little gung ho and not exactly the smartest group in the world.

As for the metaphors, they are cleanly summed up in a speech at the end of the movie:

Kim Jong Il = A****** = Evil in the world - yes there is evil in the world, they are building WMDs, are willing to kill innocent people as nec. and they must be confronted

F.A.G., Moore, Hans Blix, and the rest of the world = P*****s = Exactly who they are portraying - Sheep-like People who aren't willing to do anything to confront the Kim Jong Ils of the world and in fact blame Team America for the world's problems. It gets to the point that the hatred of these types becomes so intense that they become Kim Jong Il types (A*******'s)

Team America = D***s = America - Willing to confront evil in the world to make the world safer. Sure, we may relish in our role a little too much, and may cause some major league destruction of our own trying to get the job done, but we are the only thing standing between the evil and the sheep.

[HairOfTheDog]

I hope this isn't a joke posting. This sounds too good to be true. If this is accurate I don't know how this picture made it through the studio system.

It's not a joke, it's a hilarious movie, but it isn't for everyone, it's rude and crude and foul but if you can find any of that funny, you'll laugh till your sides hurt. :~D

[Wormwood]

Team America, F**K Yeah!

The film is a fairly straightforward presentation of current events.

With graphic sex, geysers of vomit, and extreme violence.

Of cousre, all of that simply serves to make the film more realistic, in my opinion. ;-)

[ConservativeStLouisGuy]

Cool Chick,

GOOD first post! I was hoping to see a ("family-rated") conservative review of this movie! :-)

By the way, Debbie Schlussel's website isn't on the list of Jim Robinson's "excerpt list"....details here:

Jim Robinson's Master List Of Articles To Be Excerpted

FReegards from Toronto....

______________________

"Team America" Rocks - Debbie Schlussel

No wonder Sean Penn is miffed at Matt Stone and Trey Parker.

He and other liberal airhead celebs--like Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins, and Alec Baldwin--finally get their comeuppance.

They’re dismembered, incinerated, and otherwise tortuously eliminated by the “South Park” creators.

Unfortunately, it’s just the puppet version. And it’s only on celluloid. The real-life versions of these self-righteous glitterati pains in the rear are still with us.

But it’s always nice to fantasize -- as Stone and Parker do in Team America: World Police, a cinematic political satire, which debuts Friday.

Just like in real-life (though they won’t admit it), George Clooney, Matt Damon, Samuel L. Jackson, and other assorted idiotic Hollywoodites, are working with the terrorists. In this film, they are literally working with the terrorists—led by Baldwin and North Korean Communist leader Kim Jong-Il—to destroy us.

Reminiscent of John Kerry, power-mad marionette versions of Baldwin and his fellow Hollywooders kvetch that the War on Terror has made the world hate us. But the puppet-celebs hate us with equal vigor and work to stop Team America.

Penn constantly spouts off about his trip to Iraq, last year. On a Peter Jennings (who strangely escapes Stone’s and Parker’s ire) broadcast, Penn fertilizes lyrical on Iraqi life before “Team America”: “They had rivers of chocolate,” and the children had “gumdrop smiles.” Sounds more like the set of “Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”

As members of the “Film Actors Guild”, they are all FAGs.

Mustard-stained Michael Moore is a homicide bomber, blowing himself to bits (after stuffing himself with hot dogs, while protesting the War on Terror)!

I think I’ve just found my new fave filmmakers.

In the past, I’ve criticized Stone and Parker. They created the absurd “That’s My Bush” for Comedy Central, planning to portray the Bush daughters as incestuous lesbian lovers. But angry e-mails and phone calls appealed to the network’s better judgment, and the lesbian plot line was dropped. Deservedly, the series failed and was cancelled after only a few episodes.

This time, Stone and Parker have chosen their targets with aplomb.

And they’ve redeemed themselves in other ways. In a recent Rolling Stone interview, they ripped Sean “P. Diddy” Colmes’ “Vote or Die” campaign. What P. Diddy really means is “Dummies Register to Vote Kerry or Die,” though those options might not be mutually exclusive.

Stone said he didn’t think uninformed people should be encouraged to go to the polls. And I agree. It’s only the liberals who want to register every Spicoli (that means you, Sean Penn) who can’t even decide the next place to pierce or tattoo, much less choose the next leader of the Free World. Remember Bill Clinton’s Motor Voter Bill? It’s helped P. Diddy on his way to getting a Million Moron March into the booth to pull the lever.

Ads for “Team America” announce: “The movie liberal Hollywood doesn’t want you to see. Conservatives fear it.”

Wrong! This conservative loved it.

If you are prudish, this movie is not for you. (Among other things, “multi-positioned” marionette sex scenes narrowly avoided an NC-17 rating and would be X-rated with human actors.)

But for the rest of us, this movie is hilarious. The laughs are at the expense of UN weapons inspectors, liberal Hollywood elites, smarmy Broadway shows with silly social messages, Communist and Islamic terrorists, and yes, our government:

- Hans Blix, denied inspection access to Kim Jong Il’s palace, threatens to send a nasty letter from UN leaders. Amused by this impotence, Kim Jong Il feeds Blix to his pet sharks. How about adding Scott Ritter and Mohammed El-Baradei for dessert?

- Janeane Garofalo, in a male voice, tells her fellow actors (FAGs) to read the newspaper and then present the information as their own opinions.

- “Team America’s” hero, Gary Johnston, is plucked to fight terror from Broadway where he is starring in an absurd musical about AIDS (“Lease: The Musical”). A noblesse-oblige audience in suits and pearls is moved to tears over a ludicrous song, with lyrics “AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, everyone’s dead.” He’s “the perfect weapon” against terror, since he’s an actor who double-majored in theater and world languages at the University of Iowa.

- In spying on terrorists in Egypt, Team America is pretty obtrusive. They wear red, white, blue and silver uniforms. The protagonist’s Middle Eastern disguise consists of black cotton-balls glued on his face. That’s a dig at our government’s incompetent agents, inadequate human intelligence, and the obtrusive Sky Marshalls we’ve been reading about -- with their stiff cheap suits on flights.

Special-effects bonus: Downtown Paris gets destroyed (ditto for an Egyptian Pyramid). While Team America is fighting Islamic terrorists with WMDs, French men and women on Parisian streets are oblivious and clueless amidst the terror. Art imitates life.

Stone and Parker get it right. While they make fun of the government and how it conducts the War on Terror, their message is clear: Regardless of our faults, the terrorists are real bad guys, not us. That’s something Hollywood and the left don’t get. Stone and Parker have a field day with the self-hatred amongst that slice of so-called Americans.

“I'm sick of hearing actors talk about s--t they don't know about," Stone says. "And we've been on the 'bash Michael Moore' bandwagon for a long time." “It’s fine and good for everyone to hate us (Americans) and think we’re (jerks), but there is a big difference between (jerks) and (psychos)” like Osama Bin Laden, Parker said.

Finally somebody’s teaching Hollywood the difference.

[finnman69]

the best monlogue:

""There are three kinds of people in this world," Johnston says. "D***s, a******s and p*****s. We're d***s, and the rest of the world are p*****s. But sometimes an a****** comes along and wants to s*** all over everyone, and the only kind of person who can f*** an a****** is a d***, because p*****s are just an inch away from being a******s themselves." (Diplomatically, Johnston concedes, "Sometimes d***s f*** a******s at inappropriate times, and they need p*****s to guide them in the right direction.")

[R_Kangel]

Matt Damon