James Lileks: Worst Rock Song Ever? Give This a Spin

The Minneapolis/St Paul Star Tribune ^ | April 25, 2004 | James Lileks

[quidnunc]

It's the list of the 50 Worst Rock Songs Ever — and it surely must be authoritative, because it comes from Blender magazine!

You know, BLENDER?

So I'm not the only one who doesn't read it. Good. Anyway, Blender names the worst rock hit in human history. It's "We Built This City (on Rock 'n Roll)" by Starship.

Good choice. To assert that one can build a city on rock 'n' roll is simply bad urban theory. It is safe to say that rock 'n' roll provides an insufficient means of providing the infrastructure necessary for a large urban environment. If we could take the point further, any architect will tell you that a prerequisite for skyscraper construction is a sheet of thick rock into which the steel superstructure can be anchored. If you build a city on rock 'n' roll, as opposed to schist, your buildings will simply fall over and kill thousands.

Then there's the music. Empty '80s bombast married to '60s narcissism: surefire horror. "Starship" was another incarnation of Jefferson Airplane, a trippy Haight-Ashbury remnant best known for Grace Slick droning the interminable lyrics of "White Rabbit," a song that seemed to last for the entire Nixon presidency. (Both terms.)

But worst ever? I don't think so. Every generation moves the goal posts for the Worst Song Ever. Great-Grandpa thought that "The Horseradish Rag" was the Worst Song Ever, and Grandpa couldn't hear "I'm a Flapper in a Flivver" without spitting on the ground, and so forth. Hence most of my worst songs are from the '70s — to my weary ears, the absolute nadir of pop music. That's when pop split up into several irreconcilable factions:

1. Well-produced stoner operas for dateless guys whose idea of a Friday night was sitting in a dark dorm room, wearing headphones, waiting for a girl. Or the pizza. Or maybe a girl with a pizza! OK, just the pizza. She wouldn't understand this album anyway.

-snip-

[King Prout]

that does not ring a bell.
there IS a god!

[Mike Darancette]

Having my baby
What a lovely way of saying how much you love me
Having my baby
What a lovely way of saying what you're thinkin' of me
I can see it, your face is glowing
I can see it in your eyes
I'm happy in knowin'
That you're having my baby

You're the woman I love
And I love what it's doin' to you
Having my baby
You're a woman in love
And I love what's goin' thru you
The need inside you
I see it showin'
Oh, the seed inside you baby
Do you feel it growin'
Are you happy knowin'
That you're having my baby

Girl: ("I'm a woman in love and I love what it's doin' to me")
Having my baby
Girl: ("I'm a woman in love and I love what's goin' thru me")
Didn't have to keep it
Couldn't put you thru it
You could have swept it from your life
But you wouldn't do it
No you wouldn't do it
And you're having my baby
Girl: ("I'm a woman in love and I love what it's doin' to me")
Having my baby
Girl: ("I'm a woman in love and I love what's goin' thru me")
Having my baby

(c) Copyright 1974 by Spanka Music Corportion.

Though the title "Torn Between Two Lovers" evokes vivid images "Havin' My Baby" has it all; stupid lyrics, lousy tune and sung badly.

It was my Fraternity joke song.

[LibKill]

THAT'S THE GUY!

[Miss Marple]

You don't remember THAT song by Tony Orlando? LOL!

I hated "Knock Three Times" even more than "Tie a Yellow Ribbon!"

[TheBigB]

Hmmm...I don't see "Undercover Angel" by Alan O'Day or "Hooked on a Feeling" by Blue Swede (oogah-chagah, oogah-chaga!) anywhere...

[TheBigB]

"Knock Three Times" Tony Orlando & Dawn :)

[King Prout]

wow... that's pretty-average putrid

[Optimist]

Spinning Wheels - blood sweat & tears...

played to death one summer to the point I think it was the only thing they played ..... and on every station

[RightWingAtheist]

Well, Rolling Stone did review the Barney album (gave it one measly star), so I guess he's game.

[NYC GOP Chick]

Anything by Celine Dion! The boy bands also piss me off but good.

[Lawgvr1955]

My favorite bad song is "Merry Go Round" by Wildman Fisher.

[King Prout]

NOW I do.

*thump*
I need a much larger plank...
*TUNK!*

...behhhhhtahhhh...

[exhaustedmomma]

Melanie: Brand New Key
Imagine: John Lennon
anything Ozzie
Any Bob Dylan remake [just not the same]

[weegee]

Actually most of this discussion is probably "off topic" for "Worst Rock Song" but then "Sounds Of Silence" isn't a rock song either but Blender still put it on their list.

[Tribune7]

Undercover Angel was pretty bad. That belongs on the list.

Driver's Seat was another baaad tune, I just remembered.

[King Prout]

then it's in, and so is the counting song.

I actually don't know the real Barney run... just the "death to barney" version ;)

[CobaltBlue]

I used to sublet a bedroom in my apartment to a girl who played John Denver every day. I finally moved out of my own apartment, just to get away.

"Rocky Mountain High" is my nomination.

[TheBigB]

See, I liked UA...got in on CD along with my "Best(?) of the 70s" stuff..."Saturday Night" (Bay City Rollers) and "Welcome Back" (John Sebastian)

[nmh]

Legalizing abortion at any time for any reason may have contributed to

"Havin' My Baby"

being a song of ridicule.

[scan58]

I was burnt on that song way before clingon started using it. But, you're right, it produces some really awful visuals.