Mark Steyn: I Am Canadian, You Nationalist Yank Twit!

The National Post ^ | May 8, 2000 | Mark Steyn

[quidnunc]

My name is Joe and I am Canadian. Actually, my name is Mark and I am Canadian. But Joe somehow sounds more archetypal, doesn't it? Joe Sixpack. Joe Schmoe. GI Joe. Well, okay, he's not Canadian but Somali Peacekeeper Joe, he's Canadian and you can buy him at all good stores, complete with insufficient accessories and outmoded vehicles.

On the subject of inadequate logistical support, don't forget Joe Who. He's quintessentially Canadian. Joe Who believes in peacekeeping, not policing. Diversity, not assimilation. He speaks English and French, not American. He doesn't live in an igloo, eat blubber or own a dogsled, though he's happy to give federal subsidies to those who do. He wants to be prime minister, not president. A president is someone like Bill or Ron or Lyndon or Ike, who just decides one day he'd like to run the country. Whereas a prime minister is a member of Parliament who can command a majority in the House of Commons, though Joe seems to have forgotten that bit. Joe took over the Conservative Party from Jean, who was so Canadian they called him Captain Canada. But now Jean's gone back to Quebec, where he can't afford to be too Canadian, otherwise he'll have even less chance of beating Lucien, who's definitely not Canadian, though he used to be back when he worked for Brian, who was far too American, especially when he was singing "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling" with Ron.

And no, I don't know Sheila from Canada, although she sounds very nice and I'm sure she was politely received when she went down to Boston the other day to play Canadian beer commercials to Americans, because Americans are nice enough to put up with Canadians hectoring them about how much nicer than Americans Canadians are. I definitely don't know Preston or Stockwell from Canada, and frankly they sound positively unCanadian. I do know Svend. He's perhaps a tad too Canadian. But he's not a lumberjack or fur trader, unless it's uniforms night at the club.

-snip-

[quidnunc]

I recall a satirical article of yours published in the National Post some time ago, the subject of which was the “pride inspiring” Joe the Canadian beer ad. This one really sticks out in my mind because it was introduced to me by a wonderful English teacher of mine, and, it was the first time I took a close look at your work and discovered what a wonderful talent you have.  I can’t seem to dig it up anywhere, so if you wouldn’t mind dusting it off and posting it on the site, I’d love to read it again.

Andrew Marek
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan

My pleasure. In case you've forgotten, four years ago this ad prompted the biggest explosion of Canadian national pride since the boys returned from Vimy Ridge. The original ran as follows:

Hey, I’m not a lumberjack, or a fur trader.
And I don’t live in an igloo, or eat blubber, or own a dogsled.
And I don’t know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada, although I’m certain they’re really, really nice.
I have a Prime Minister, not a President.
I speak English and French, NOT American, and I pronounce it ‘ABOUT’, NOT ‘A BOOT’.
I can proudly sew my country’s flag on my backpack. I believe in peacekeeping, NOT policing. DIVERSITY, NOT assimilation.
AND THAT THE BEAVER IS A TRULY PROUD AND NOBLE ANIMAL.
A TOQUE IS A HAT, A CHESTERFIELD IS A COUCH, AND IT IS PRONOUNCED ‘ZED’ NOT ‘ZEE’, ‘ZED’!!!!
CANADA IS THE SECOND LARGEST LANDMASS! THE FIRST NATION OF HOCKEY! AND THE BEST PART OF NORTH AMERICA.
MY NAME IS JOE!!! AND I AM CANADIAN!!!!

Sounds even loopier now. But at the time our Heritage Minister flew down to Boston to play it to Americans so they'd understand us better. It was, in its way, more emblematic than they knew: the brand of beer it promoted, Molson Canadian, is considered too provocative to sell in Quebec. And the actor in the ad got a job offer from LA and immediately left the country. Here's my take on it:

[stylin_geek]

Bump for later read.

[Luke Skyfreeper]

My name is Joe and I am Canadian.

(all together now:)

"Hiiiii, Joe."

[Dinsdale]

Fifty first staters.

Premier stater cinquante.

[dts32041]

I am lumberjack and I"m OK

[Little Bill]

The best thing my Grandfather, ma's dad, did was get Yanktified and Sanctified. I asked him once why he never visitied relitives in Canada, Quote..."F##k them they know where I live".

A great guy, WWI vet, Canadian Scottish. I asked him why he was in a Canadian Scottish Regiment when he was Irish. Quote..." I got off a fishing boat in Halifax and got drunk the day that the war was declared, being young and stupid and not looking good in a dress, I was over come with patiotism, if I had to it over again I would have hid in the woods like the Frenchies.

[kitkat]

BUMP

[Qwinn]

"And the actor in the ad got a job offer from LA and immediately left the country."

ROFL. Says it all.

Qwinn

[Capt. Canuck]

Bad form old chap.

You made me think for a moment that Steyn had returned in some way to the NatPost.

This is just a reprint of a Steyn article in the NatPost in 2000 hosted on his website.

[joesnuffy]

Frostback Hosers

[mercy]

They're not worthy. Territory .... maybe.

[Cuttnhorse]

...I was over come with patiotism, if I had to it over again I would have hid in the woods like the Frenchies.

LOL!!

[Little Bill]

An absolutely true story, my Great Uncle Leo, wounded at Blois with the Princes Pat's said the samething, the frogs are the odd man out in Canadian history.

[Billthedrill]

I actually ran into the "I am Joe" screed on a table menu in Hooters in Vancouver BC a couple of days ago - hey, it was research, OK? The Canadian I was sitting with took a quick read, turned it face-down and said "Jesus, that's embarrassing."

Eh?

[quidnunc]

Little Bill wrote: An absolutely true story, my Great Uncle Leo, wounded at Blois with the Princes Pat's said the samething, the frogs are the odd man out in Canadian history.

During WWII there was a great deal of resistance among French-Canadians to fighting on foreign soil.

Consequently, it was necessary to create class of soldier who would serve only within the borders of Canada.

[Luis Gonzalez]

I never wanted to do this job in the first place!
I... I wanted to be...

A LUMBERJACK!

(piano vamp)

Leaping from tree to tree! As they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! With my best girl by my side!
The Larch!
The Pine!
The Giant Redwood tree!
The Sequoia!
The Little Whopping Rule Tree!
We'd sing! Sing! Sing!

Oh, I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay,
I sleep all night and I work all day.

CHORUS: He's a lumberjack, and he's okay,
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,
I go to the lava-try.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And have buttered scones for tea.

Mounties: He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
He goes to the lava-try.
On Wednesdays 'e goes shoppin'
And has buttered scones for tea.

CHORUS

I cut down trees, I skip and jump,
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing,
And hang around in bars.

Mounties: He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
He likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around.... In bars???????

CHORUS

I chop down trees, I wear high heels,
Suspendies and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie
Just like my dear papa.

Mounties: He cuts down trees, he wears high heels
Suspendies?? and a .... a Bra????
(spoken, raggedly) What's this? Wants to be a girlie? Oh, My!
And I thought you were so rugged! Poofter!

CHORUS

All: He's a lumberjack, and he's okaaaaaaayyy..... (BONG)

[Little Bill]

1'er, Run Du La Bois, Les Canadian have a good deal of Boushe avec les petit menue, les anglais du le front, les Canadian to the rear.

[timydnuc]

I have a son named Joe. He was born and raised as an American. My son named Joe is the pride of my life, his son is named Nick. I love them both. My son Joe will stand for this Republic and his son with the vengence and pride that is American, just as his father did in Viet Nam. My son, Joe, will stand and deliver for his son Nick. Thanks, Canada, but we have things under control.

[Calvin Locke]

There was a brief period following WWII that if you were born in Canada, and your parents emigrated, taking you along, you
lost your Canadian citizenship.

That generation or so is now looking to retire in Canada. All sorts of politics, not to mention the sorry financial shape
of Health Canada, and all those boomers looking to leech off the taxpayer supported system....

(I listen to Radio Canada on shortwave fairly regularly. Mostly for the international news, but I stick around some
of the Canadian stuff and the world human interest stories.)

[Little Bill]

My family is WW1 Canada, Yanks with a bad accent. No jobs and no hope led them to come to the US of A, starve in the Maritimes or work in Mass.

Read about the Harvest Bumbs that went to the Western Provences to make a few bucks, I know what a hooker cost in Saskatoon in 1912, Canada is a geat place if you don't choke herrings for a living.