Taking Toddlers to Church: Actions Speak Louder Than Words!

Catholic Exchange ^ | 06-16-03 | Mary Ann Kuharski

[el_chupacabra]

Other Articles by Mary Ann Kuharski

Taking Toddlers to Church: Actions Speak Louder Than Words!

6/16/03

			A young couple who attends Mass with their four children every Sunday recently received a letter from an anonymous parishioner complaining about the distraction their little ones were causing during the liturgy.
In This Article... Sounds of Life Been There, Done That Preparation, Practice and Patience

Sounds of Life What a shame. Wasn't it Christ Himself who said, "Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them; for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven" (Mt. 19:14)? I know the young family who received the note. In fact, I've never witnessed, in the years I've sat behind this family, any tantrum, outburst, or distracting behavior from their children. Occasionally, one of their young may cry out or need a bathroom break that won't wait, but the mother or father always leaves quietly and with little notice. In my view, either the anonymous writer targeted the wrong family, is super-sensitive to any disturbance, or perhaps was just having a bad day and yearned for an hour of solitude and serenity spent with the Lord. Even so, Sunday Mass is not meant to be a solo service or personal retreat, but a liturgy involving the entire Church community — including children. Christians are called to be people of charity, faith, and joy. If we don't welcome and celebrate God's precious gift of new life — with the occasional outburst — who will? After all, each little baby is made in God's own image and likeness and is part of His perfect plan. Certainly children are not welcomed and cherished by those who champion the "right" to legal abortion, which claims the lives of nearly 4,400 babies each day. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for keeping church pews as prayerful and peaceable as possible and I get as agitated as the anonymous writer when I see parents of small children who do absolutely nothing while their young are acting up and out of control. Frankly, I have to do all I can to keep myself from going over and offering them parenting tips! But there are times, despite every effort and preparation, when a little one's outburst or crankiness can't be helped. Been There, Done That I've probably spent more time than most parents standing in vestibules or sacristies, rocking fussy infants or calming antsy toddlers. For many of our colicky newborns, the only thing that seemed to keep them quiet was motion, which meant I often made a quick exit from our normal front row pew and walked or rocked them through the remainder of the service. Yet, John and I came to understand the importance of attending Mass together as a family. We realized that the most important lesson of faith we can instill in our children is not what we tell them, but what they see. In that regard, I am convinced that the most powerful witness a child can see is his or her parents kneeling in prayer — especially the father— who shows by his actions a reverence and awe for a heavenly Father who is greater and more powerful than he! As for those of us who have no small children to care for, let us praise God for the gift these little ones and their families are to our community. And let us pray especially for them and for those in our world who have lost their sense of the miraculous and are blind to the gift God has placed in our presence — some of whom are only inches tall and yet have a set of lungs that could match an opera star! Here are some practical tips that helped us get through some of those difficult periods when our children were small: Preparation, Practice and Patience Be prepared for baby's needs. If you are bringing an infant to church, bring bottles, pacifier, diapers, and a bib. For the nursing mom — put away those one-piece dresses and wear shirts and tops that can be easily adjusted for nursing. Find a chair in the back of the church or in a separate room if feeding time is a noticeable disruption. For the restless infant or small toddler, a selection of small toys (minus the rattles and noisemakers) are appropriate time-passers. Prepare preschoolers. Making sure your children have a good breakfast and always going to the bathroom just before leaving home keeps disruptions to a minimum. Some youngsters fuss simply because they are hungry. As for the bathroom, don't risk "waiting." When in doubt, take them out! Some children truly can't wait one more minute. Wear your Sunday best. Children learn the importance of an occasion by the way we dress and prepare. Sunday clothes don't have to be new and expensive, but they should be something special — giving an added meaning to whom we are coming to visit. Teens and young adults may need to be reminded of the importance of modesty — especially when coming to Church. Sadly, many parishes have found it necessary to post signs in vestibules or in church bulletins stating: "No shorts, halter, or sleeveless tops." Sit up front. Most children behave better when they are seated near the front and can see the altar and priest. Remember, their view is limited because of their size and when children can't see what's going on, it's far more likely they will be distracted and disruptive. Trust me on this one. Try the front row for six weeks and see if your wriggly youngster is not transformed into a quiet, attentive observer. Of course, there may still be times when parents have no alternative but to remove a cranky kid from the congregation so others may pray in peace. Don't be discouraged. God will bless your effort. St. Augustine once wrote: "The mere intent to pray is a prayer." Just be sure to offer your morning and attendance at Mass as a prayer and no matter what happens, it is a pleasing gift to God. Hang in there. Your weekly persistence will eventually pay off. Children are the greatest imitators and soon enough they will kneel and pray just as they see you do. Bring children's books. Small booklets of faith with colorful pictures and easily understood language are perfect for young churchgoers. Save these items for church use only, so the child will look forward to using them. Or have several selections and rotate their use. Know what to avoid. Don't bring large dolls, trucks, or noisy, distracting items for children — and that includes food or candy that is messy and sticky. And please, no gum. Expect good behavior. Children need to learn that there are some occasions during which they must be quiet and refrain from talk or play. This is a good beginning manners and discipline builder. Yes, it takes practice, but even the very young are eager to please and to copy the actions of others — especially their parents and family. Praising a child for good behavior goes a long way for reinforcing the behavior. Insist the child try — but don't expect perfection. Patience and persistence are key! Encourage your child to participate. Parents should lovingly encourage their young to believe that no prayer is too small and no child too young to get God's attention. It helps if children feel a more active role in what is going on at Mass. The simple act of blessing themselves with holy water, genuflecting, lighting a candle and saying a short prayer for a loved one, or placing the envelope in the collection lets them feel a part of the liturgy. Make Sunday special. Our Heavenly Father rested on the seventh day and commands us to do the same. It's up to us as parents to let our children know from an early age that God and family come first — especially on Sunday! Copyright © 2003 LayWitness Mary Ann Kuharski is a homemaker and mother of 13, six of whom are adopted and of mixed races, most with special needs, the author of several books, and director of PROLIFE ACROSS AMERICA. For more information on Mary Ann's pro-life work, call (612) 781-0410, or fax (612) 781-5031, or visit prolifeacrossamerica.org This article is reprinted with permission from Lay Witness magazine. Lay Witness is a publication of Catholics United for the Faith, Inc., an international lay apostolate founded in 1968 to support, defend, and advance the efforts of the teaching Church.
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[el_chupacabra]

Okay. Next week we will move our kids to the front of the church. Wish us luck.

P.S. Sorry about the goofy HTML. Bear with me, I'm a true novice.

[sitetest]

Dear el,

"Okay. Next week we will move our kids to the front of the church. Wish us luck."

When our guys were very small, they weren't terribly interested in what was going on at the altar. We sat in the very back pew every week. This accomplished two things:

1. There was no one behind them to look at and be distracted by. Often, well-meaning folks will engage a small child silently, winking, smiling, etc. This is really nice, and always made me feel welcome with my children, but regrettably, it sometimes caused the guys to get into a "play mode". Sitting in the last pew eliminates this problem.

2. If, by chance, one of the guys isn't on his best behavior that Sunday, in the back pew, he will cause less distraction to others.

Once my littler guy got to be about four or so, he started getting a little more antsy. When asked, he said he would very much like to see what was going on. At that point, we moved up toward the front. But, he was told that we would promptly move to the back pew if he didn't hold up his end of the deal, which was to behave well at Mass.

We haven't been to the back pew since.


sitetest

[el_chupacabra]

Thanks sitetest,

My family seems to be in familiar territory for you. We have been lingering in the back for a few years. My son just turned four and I believe he would be able to sit still through the entire mass if he could see what was happening.

Our 19 month-old, however, will be a real experiment . . .

[Aloysius]

Sit up front. Most children behave better when they are seated near the front and can see the altar and priest.

If you go to a Novus Ordo Mass, you probably don't want to sit up front and have your children witness the scandal unfolding in front of their very eyes.

[Salvation]

**"Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them; for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven" (Mt. 19:14)?**

From the times our children were in babes in arms (one week old) until they moved out of the house, they attended church with us.

We did find a part of the church to sit in that didn't distract too many people. Pews were in the shape of a T with walls along the main part and the space open to the T parts at the very front. We always sat in the right hand section of the T -- close to the cry room when our children were younger and still squirmy. If they got vocal then we quickly moved into the cry room. I do think parents need to be sensitive here.

But when they entered kindergarten they were required to sit still, kneel, stand, sing, etc. as well as they were able. They were also given instructions on the holiness of the Mass and that the hosts and wine actually changed into the Body and Blood of Jesus Christ. They were always ver respectful toward the Mass regime, even though their little sibling routines would kick in once in a while.

FYI, our children were
3 girls born a year apart
1 boy born two years after the last girl
and 1 boy born five years later.

Yes, we were busy in church, but they were always there with us.

[american colleen]

I think you should sit in the front pew with your kids... maybe at the end - near the side door. That way, if the 19 month old gets really antsy or the 4 year old has to go to the bathroom, you have a quick non distracting escape route. I also make it a practice to do something memorable after Mass if their behaviour is acceptable. Nothing big, just stopping for coffee and a donut at the local Dunkin' Donuts. Not a big deal now (but a nice Sunday tradition) as my kids are older and are fine during Mass because they understand why we are there in the first place (starting at about 5 years old).

I've always gravitated to the front with my kids as I find they are more engaged (and inclined to say the aloud prayers aloud) if they can see what the priest is doing on the altar. I just cast my mind back to being a kid and remembering what it is like to stare at the backs of all the huge adults.

The only times I get annoyed at parents over the kids behavior is when a parent doesn't take a crying baby out of Mass - and the kid keeps crying and crying. One family has twin boys about 4 or 5 who run out of the pew and sometimes on the altar... and the priest encourages the parents to let it go as it is "their Father's house." I've seen these kids in the local supermarket and they run around wild there as well.

I'm sure your kids are fine! I'm just happy to see families at Mass, to tell you the truth.

[el_chupacabra]

If you go to a Novus Ordo Mass, you probably don't want to sit up front and have your children witness the scandal unfolding in front of their very eyes.

Sounds like you've seen the mass at the extrodinarily popular parish we just left. The pastor has a degree in "liturgy." That should have been a big red flag.

By the way, we love the quiet and prayerful Novus Ordo mass at our new parish.

[american colleen]

If you go to a Novus Ordo Mass, you probably don't want to sit up front and have your children witness the scandal unfolding in front of their very eyes.

Uncalled for, not charitable and imo, venomous.

[Aloysius]

Uncalled for, not charitable and imo, venomous.

Venomous? Like you declaring the SSPX in schism?

[el_chupacabra]

hey, hey, hey! No threadjacking! Keep this one on topic, please.

[RonF]

In our church one Sunday, a woman's newborn was crying during the service. As a choirister, I was at the back of the church at the end of the service (an Episcopalian service, we march to the rear of the church during the recessional). She looked up and apologized to everyone. I told her, "A church doesn't have a problem when a child cries during the service. It's when there are no children crying at a service that a church has a real problem."

[Salvation]

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[Salvation]

Good call there AC.

[Salvation]

Excellent observation to the parents!

[Desdemona]

Just for a different perspective, there are five of us and for years my parents never went to Mass together - and neither did we until we learned to behave. It had to be a special occasion for us to go to Mass when we were little. By kindergarden, though, we had all been often enough that we knew what we were doing.

[madprof98]

Sitting in front really, really helps. Our pastor actually reserved the front pews for families with children for a few weeks in order to encourage this practice. We also found that our daughter (just turned 5) was much, much more cooperative when she had a little more room in the pews than she could get at the crowded 10:30 service. Saturday evenings, in fact, worked much better for a while--and have led to better behavior and more participation on Sunday mornings now.

[Gerish]

My husband and I and our four children always try and sit near the front. Our kids behave better if we sit near the front probably out of fear of what Dad will do if they do not behave! But as someone said, they do like to be able to see what is going on. The problem age was always "3" - seems none of them would ever keep quiet or sit still. Books definitely do help. I found a coloring book once with bible stories which really helped (limiting the crayons though to only 3 or 4).

I love to see families in Church together. Wish more would come!