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Within a year and a half’s time I had to make end of life decisions for my mother then my father.

On New Years Eve 1995, my mother was suddenly hospitalized with what the doctors at first thought was a mild heart attack. In less than 24 hours after her admittance, I got a call that she had stopped breathing and had to be put on a ventilator. I had been with her only a few hours earlier and she was alert and conscience but before I left for the evening, she took my hand and asked me to pray for her. I think she knew something was terribly wrong. It was. She had acute pancreatitis. The doctors and nurses and care givers at Johns Hopkins were amazing and would not give up hope and continued to give us, her family hope. They did everything humanly and medically possible and I give them great credit for their perseverance and the great compassion they showed to her and to us, her family.

After 2 weeks on full life support including dialysis, the doctors had a meeting with us. They told us that for reasons unknown to them, her pancreas had literally exploded and was pumping poison into her entire body, literally dissolving her internal organs and destroying her brain. She was now in a coma and all her organs had completely shut down. Despite all medical efforts, nothing was going to save her and we had to make a decision; continue futile life support or let her go. One doctor in particular impressed us so much; he held our hands and cried with us. I know he really didn’t want to give up but knew that there was no good outcome.

My father, my brother and I knew from discussion we had with my mother and knowing her and her great believe in God and her faith in Catholicism, that she would not want to be kept alive by artificial means and we told the doctors to disconnect the ventilator. She died very peacefully and mercifully within minutes and according to her wishes, she was buried with a High Catholic Mass.

My father soon filled out a Living Will and Advanced Directives and made me his medical power of attorney seeing how important it was. He was also a devout Catholic but also had strong beliefs about when to end life support and did not find that contrary to his very conservative religious beliefs.

A year and a half later, my father was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia. But it was no ordinary pneumonia. Several years earlier he survived a bout with bacterial meningitis. It was a medical miracle that he lived though it but it took a great toll on him physically. He was also a diabetic and very susceptible to infection. He had an antibiotic resistant strain of bacterial pneumonia. Before he lost consciousness, he tried several times to pull his own ventilator out and had to be restrained. Again the doctors at Johns Hopkins were not willing to give up. But he was on a ventilator and in a coma in ICU for eight weeks before the doctors would even discuss his wishes or Advance Directives with me.

I was at my father’s bedside every single day of those eight weeks. The doctors finally came to me and told me frankly that there was no more hope and I told them to disconnect his ventilator as I knew this was what he would want. It was hard but I stayed with him the entire time, holding his hand and stroking his head. In the end it was very peaceful and I believe it was as he wanted it to be – he was finally free of his pain and suffering and free to join my mother. While painful it was actually one of the most beautiful and meaningful experiences I’ve ever had, giving him my unconditional love and having the opportunity to say how much I loved him and seeing him off to the next realm. That was July 2nd, 1997.

I am at complete peace with both my parent’s passing and the decisions made on their behalf. I know that all reasonable medical and compassionate means were taken on their behalf but in the end, reason and most of all compassion told us all, medical professionals and family, that it was time to let go. Sometimes letting go goes against our selfish nature but sometimes it is the right and compassionate thing to do.

My ex-husband’s mother was not so compassionately cared for and languished for years, catatonic and on a feeding tube in a nursing home, several in fact because Medicare kept moving her from one abysmal nursing home to another. It was horrible and the conditions were indescribably bleak. She lied in a rigid fetal position for many years kept alive only by artificial means and a feeding tube with no sign of responsiveness or recognition. My ex and his sister constantly argued about what to do, but neither of them ever bothered to visit her. I was the only one who did. I was the one who cared for her before she went to the nursing home, changed her soiled clothes, bed sheets and tried in vain to get her to eat while all she told me about was how much she wanted was “to go home”.

She finally was allowed to go home but my ex and his sister are some 20 years later still arguing about whose responsibility it is to provide her a tombstone but neither of them has ever visited her grave or shown her any remembrance.

This is why it is so very important for everyone to put down in writing their express wishes for end of life care and file a Living Will and Advanced Directives and choose a Power of Attorney for Health Care. Do it now while you are healthy and can make rational decisions and not just leave it for your family to argue about and tear each other apart over later.

I’m so sorry for what you had to endure. I know the feeling. On the day of my mother’s funeral, my one brother was asked what she died of and he said “morphine overdose” so basically he thinks I killed her. He hadn’t said this to me or when I was in hearing distance but my husband heard it and told me. My husband said, didn’t he accuse you of killing your father too? And he had. No one wanted to make the decisions when my Dad was dying and my mom was incapable - she was ill herself and in ICU the two weeks before he died after major surgery. She was still recovering, only home a couple of days when he was hospitalized the last week of his life.

When I stopped everything (dialysis, etc.) and he died, all I got was accusations about how could you stop dialysis, other stuff, etc. I told them that when mommy was recovering and too drugged up to think clearly and the rest of you were too busy arguing about how it was going to affect all of your schedules, I made a decision to honor my father’s wishes. Same thing with my Mom. She lived with us, and even though my brother had power of attorney and medical power of attorney (which was stupid to me since me and my husband and kids were caring for her but he insisted and I figured I was gonna do what she wanted and to heck with him anyway) he still commented at the funeral to relatives/friends that she died of a morphine overdose. This is the same man who for the last two years of her life barely spent time with her and refused to come the day she was dying because “I love her too much to watch her die” like it was a joy for the rest of us. RME.

My mom was a devout catholic. Something my oldest bro would never understand.

I keep thinking about a living will etc. but trust my husband. At the same time, I’m not sure he’d be able to make the decision. I don’t have one yet but plan on getting one.

When his mom was dying, young - mid 50’s, she had a liver transplant, and a few months later, her body rejected it. His dad and sibs wanted to keep her alive no matter what even after the doctors said she needed another one and probably wouldn’t make it through the surgery - she was in a coma at this point. He called me, and I suggested he try to convince them to do what SHE wanted and knowing her, she was ready. She didn’t even want to have the liver transplant to begin with but did because they wanted her to. We didnt’ have a great relationship or anything because his family is so odd but I really liked her and she told me numerous times she wasn’t afraid of dying/death. It took a week and a half for the other sibs and husband to agree to take her off life support even after the doctors’ told them she was dying/no hope. My husband would call home so out of sorts because of his dad and sibs not wanting to take her off life support. They eventually did and she died minutes later. Sort of makes me glad I didn’t have to deal with that while either of my parents were dying even though I had to after the fact.