[SATIRE] Consumer Report: What Religion is the Best Religion? [SATIRE]

Religion has been with man for thousands of years, but with so many to choose from how do you know which one is right for you? We did a study on major religions to provide the answers.

You'll find religion providing these basic essentials:
- Explanation of what happens when we die
- Narration of universal origin
- Understanding of what is intrinsically good and bad

We tested eight beliefs Catholicism, Christianity, Buddhism, Islam, Judaism, along with Atheism, Hinduism, and Satanism to determine which one is best for you. We used four major test criteria:

Ritualistic
We determined how much ritualism goes into religion. The less rituals that are involved the less burden it is on a person and the less work that had to be performed.

Sin threshold
This determines how much you can get away with before it is considered a sin. The greater the sin threshold the more leeway you have, and the more free you are to do as you please without repenting.

Penalty for sin
This is the price that you are forced to pay for your sins. The higher the penalty for sin, the more burdensome the repentance process is.

Ease of getting in heaven
This is how much work you are responsible for performing before you are allowed to reach nirvana. With most of the religions this was a hazy area. Majority of the information we were able to gather came from scriptures as well as extensive interviewing of theologians.

How We Tested
Since most people have some sort of religious predisposition, in order for our investigation to be unbiased we had to use impartial participants. For our independent test, we brought in 37 aborigines from the Brazilian rain forest tribe of Raoni. With a crude understanding of god and the universe, we explained each religion to them and asked them to try it out for a 4 week period. All the participants had a chance to try out all eight religions for a 4 week time frame and rank them based on their findings.

THIS IS SATIRE. HUMOR.

You all remember "laughing" - that thing that you used to do, in response to watching "Gilligan's Island", before you became a Christian? Laughter is what your pastor is trying to provoke in you, when he tells those bad jokes at the beginning of his sermon. Next to "putting His enemies under his feet" (Psalm 110), IMO "getting Christians to laugh" must be the second-biggest thing that Christ will accomplish before the Second Coming.

In Ecclesiasties 2:2, the author complains that laughter is "madness", asking "what does it accomplish?" Psalm 2:4 tells us that God, in heaven, laughs and scoffs at the kings of this earth "in derision". Psalm 37:13 says the Lord laughs at the wicked, for "their day is coming". But for the faithful, Genesis 21:6 tells us that laughter is an appropriate response to God's blessings, Job 8:21 promises laughter for those afflicted by Satan, and Psalm 126:2 says laughter is a sign to unbelieving nations that God has done great things for us. As Christians, we should learn to laugh more.

That said, why do I include all these warnings, sirens, and sledgehammer-to-the-head graphics telling you not to take this seriously? Recently, a poster claimed that every one of my posts "end up making FReepers look publicly stupid." Please remember that those are not my words. While I'm appreciative of the compliment, I'm hardly one to brag about my I.Q. (I know at least four current- and former-FReepers who have I.Q.s from twenty to fifty points HIGHER than mine, so what bragging rights does that leave me?). Said poster insisted that I provide sufficient warnings on all my humor threads, in advance, telling you that you're about to read something ficticious and humorous - apparently to prevent you from having to think about what you're reading, and hurting yourself in the process. If it makes you feel any better, please know that I gave you all more credit than that, but others didn't. They thought you looked stupid, and that you needed these warning labels.

Mel Brooks (not a Christian) once defined laughter in this way: "Tragedy is me cutting my finger. Comedy is you getting eaten by a tiger." Take that for what it's worth.

It might be even funnier if the link worked. Really. I’d like to read the rest of it.

Well, the link used to work, back when I posted it in 2006. But through the miracle of the Wayback Machine, I've reconstructed the article for your reading pleasure:
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Religion has been with man for thousands of years, but with so many to choose from how do you know which one is right for you? We did a study on major religions to provide the answers.

You’ll find religion providing these basic essentials:
Explanation of what happens when we die
Narration of universal origin
Understanding of what is intrinsically good and bad

We tested eight beliefs Catholicism, Christianity, Buddhism, Islam, Judaism, along with Atheism, Hinduism, and Satanism to determine which one is best for you..

HOW WE SCORED

We tested eight beliefs Catholicism, Christianity, Buddhism, Islam, Judaism, along with Atheism, Hinduism, and Satanism to determine which one is best for you. We used four major test criteria:

Ritualistic
We determined how much ritualism goes into religion. The less rituals that are involved the less burden it is on a person and the less work that had to be performed.

Sin threshold
This determines how much you can get away with before it is considered a sin. The greater the sin threshold the more leeway you have, and the more free you are to do as you please without repenting.

Penalty for sin
This is the price that you are forced to pay for your sins. The higher the penalty for sin, the more burdensome the repentance process is.

Ease of getting in heaven
This is how much work you are responsible for performing before you are allowed to reach nirvana. With most of the religions this was a hazy area. Majority of the information we were able to gather came from scriptures as well as extensive interviewing of theologians.

How We Tested
Since most people have some sort of religious predisposition, in order for our investigation to be unbiased we had to use impartial participants. For our independent test, we brought in 37 aborigines from the Brazilian rain forest tribe of Raoni. With a crude understanding of god and the universe, we explained each religion to them and asked them to try it out for a 4 week period. All the participants had a chance to try out all eight religions for a 4 week time frame and rank them based on their findings.

Our Findings

In our tests we have found that most of the aborigines preferred Christian religion based on its ease of understanding. With Catholicism being a close second, followed by other religions. Here are the findings.

Christianity
This is by far was the most popular belief among the aborigines people, with more than 2 out 4 preferring it. The concept of a loving god, was easy to understand, since it bore some semblance to their god “Khatimi” , the god of 'big shiny things'. This belief was so favorable among the tribesmen that a few even made a small donation to the Robert Schuller Ministries at the end of their two weeks trial.

Catholicism
A close second, it nearly did as good as Christianity, if it not for a few confusing ritualistic beliefs. The tribesmen enjoyed the Pope, after we were able to show them rare footage of His Holiness giving Easter Mass in the Aboriginal language of drum thumping.

Hinduism
This was a distant third. Most tribesmen had a difficult time comprehending the perpetual birth and rebirth concept. Majority of the tribesmen also found the movie Gandhi to be way too long, with Candice Bergen’s performance substandard and trite.

Buddhism
Buddhism did not fare well among the tribesmen. Most found the notion of Buddha as god, not to be credible. With many questioning how can a god control the world, when he can’t even control his weight? Most of the tribesmen preferred Jesus who had a slender and slightly muscular body.

Muslim
Although not very popular it did appeal to a few of the aborigines. Ironically the few tribesmen who chose the Muslim religion soon got into an altercation with those who preferred Judaism. The dispute was over the territorial right of the grass hut in which they were living. The tribesmen who choose the Muslim religion claimed they were in it first.

Judaism
This religion was very confusing to most. From proper attire, ritualistic conduct, and Kosher food, left most of the aborigines baffled and perplexed. With one of the tribesmen eating a Dreidel out of confusion.

Satanism
Chosen only by few. Although many of the tribesmen could relate to sacrificing of animals to a higher power. This is due to a common practice of sacrificing small rodents to their evil god “Khulli” the god of the 'itchy rash.’

Atheism
Although ranking high on our scholarly section, this belief was not preferred by any of our testers. The concept of life being meaningless and with no hope of an after life, left most of the tribesmen desponded and depressed, with a few actually needing short term therapy, after the four week trial.

Recommendations
If you are looking for a good over all religion you can’t go wrong with Christianity. It ranked the highest among the tribesmen and very high in our scholarly test. If you prefer no ritualistic practices bestowed upon you, atheism is the right belief for you, even though it ranked very low in our independent tests. If you prefer a lot of rules and customs take a look into Judaism, or the Muslim religions.

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