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Fess up, boys-- stuff about men.
08-28-03 | by everybody who's ever had to deal with guys

Posted on 08/28/2003 8:21:30 AM PDT by 4mycountry

50 facts about Men.

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."

5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, you have to get off the phone in case they call him.

7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. Sleep with one under your pillow, instead of a gun.

15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

16. Men love watches with multiple functions. An ideal one is one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact your local police for a list of names.

21. Men don't get cellulite. God must certainly be a man.

22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, sleep next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a)got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.

29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.

33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

36. Men hate to lose. A woman once beat her husband at tennis. She asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."

37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.

38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem."Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch,you look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."

40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.

48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

50. All men would still really like to own a train set.


TOPICS: Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: humor; men
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To: boris
<Eddie Murphy> Now THAT'S a fire! </Eddie Murphy>
81 posted on 08/28/2003 12:01:36 PM PDT by Liberal Classic (Quemadmodum gladius neminem occidit, occidentis telum est.)
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To: Hatteras
11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
I don't have to look in the mirror anymore. I'm married, my life is over.
23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, sleep next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
Whatever, just leave the damn thermostat alone!
26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
There are THREE types of lettuce?!

ROFL! Your revisions are 100% correct!

82 posted on 08/28/2003 12:19:50 PM PDT by Teacher317
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To: Mark17
That’s why God invented tattoos.
I have noticed a few hair removal commercials that seem to be directed at men. It’s bad enough that some people think our faces should be similar to women’s (no beard, small mustache allowed) but darned if I’ll shave or wipe the hair from my chest, legs, back and “bikini area”!
83 posted on 08/28/2003 1:41:10 PM PDT by R. Scott
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Comment #84 Removed by Moderator

To: jfritsch
"Remote controls are another thing, though."

I agree. Women also don't know how to change the channel often enough too I notice.

85 posted on 08/28/2003 2:22:41 PM PDT by bicycle thug (Fortia facere et pati Americanum est.)
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To: 4mycountry
"Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women."

Girly men hide when eating how much they want to eat to spare feelings. Real men just eat faster if they do anything at all to spare the feelings of a jealous female. What sane person goes on a perpetual diet anyways?

Rule of thumb: if you don't inhale the plate, you weren't eating too fast. Works for me.

86 posted on 08/28/2003 2:33:02 PM PDT by bicycle thug (Fortia facere et pati Americanum est.)
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To: boris
Lighting the charcoal - originally done by Prof George Gobel at Purdue.

At one point, he had it documented on his school-based web site; apparently the traffic was croaking the Purdue network, and it's gone now.

It can, however, be retrieved by going to archive.org and requesting it "take you back" to < ghg.ecn.purdue.edu/~ghg .

87 posted on 08/28/2003 2:44:53 PM PDT by DuncanWaring (...and Freedom tastes of Reality.)
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To: boris
From the site the picture came from:
"WARNING: an ignition source, such as a lit cigarette or one glowing coal, must be present before pouring on the LOX. If charcoal is PRESOAKED in LOX first, an explosion will result. One briquette presoaked in LOX is approx equiv to 1 stick of dynamite."

88 posted on 08/28/2003 2:50:28 PM PDT by bicycle thug (Fortia facere et pati Americanum est.)
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To: LexBaird
Really good meals do not involve three types of lettuce. They involve three types of meat.

Only three? You obviously have never heard of Fogo de Chao, a south Brazilian restaurant. If you run accross one in your travels or live near one and haven't been; I highly reccomend it.

Fogo de Chão operates with a whole new steakhouse concept. There is not a traditional menu. The restaurant features a fixed-price continuous tableside service where the guests can choose any or all of the fifteen finest selections of beef, lamb, pork and chicken.

89 posted on 08/28/2003 2:56:56 PM PDT by AFreeBird
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To: ladtx
Notice there's no active verb in that sentence. I love a phone with lots of buttons, don't expect me to ever use the damn thing, but I do like how it looks sitting on my desk gathering dust.
90 posted on 08/28/2003 3:01:34 PM PDT by discostu (just a tuna sandwich from another catering service)
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To: 4mycountry
51. Farts are funny (Keilor)

52. Women: use sex to get what they want. Men: sex IS what they want (Seinfeld)
91 posted on 08/28/2003 3:06:36 PM PDT by kidd
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To: mhking
Liquid Oxygen or you can sit all day with a can of fluid trying to get the charcoal hot....

LO all the way POOFFFFFFF!!!!!!
92 posted on 08/28/2003 3:13:24 PM PDT by Michael121
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To: TrebleRebel
When women meet at the mall, the first thing they discuss is where to have lunch. When men meet at the mall, the first thing they discuss is who found the closest parking space.

I only go to the mall if I know what I want and where to get it. It get it, and get the hell out. I can't stand all the noisy slobs and people walking around like they're on drugs. Surprisingly, though, the kids and teenagers don't piss me off. I think they're funny.
93 posted on 08/28/2003 3:14:07 PM PDT by mugsy
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To: 4mycountry
16. Men love watches with multiple functions. An ideal one is one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

Piano my arse. Try rocket launcher.
94 posted on 08/28/2003 3:16:55 PM PDT by jwh_Denver (A Commordore 64 could run the CA government better than it's been run in 30 years.)
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To: Hatteras
thought this thread could use a picture hehehehehehe
95 posted on 08/28/2003 3:17:51 PM PDT by Michael121
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To: 4mycountry
46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

YeeeeHHHAaaaaaaaaa

96 posted on 08/28/2003 3:21:59 PM PDT by JoeSixPack1 (POW/MIA - Bring 'em home, or send us back! Semper Fi)
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To: rdb3
Some of us just know how to prepare really good meals.

You are correct, Spring Mix with fresh spinach is my favorite.

97 posted on 08/28/2003 3:34:56 PM PDT by Vinnie
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To: boris
That's the only one I specifically recognise, but they all sound like Rita Rudner.
98 posted on 08/28/2003 4:12:43 PM PDT by Oztrich Boy ("Pillage, THEN Burn")
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To: jwh_Denver
Piano my arse. Try rocket launcher.

Sounds like a James Bond thing to me.

99 posted on 08/28/2003 8:21:51 PM PDT by 4mycountry (You say I'm a brat like it's a bad thing.)
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To: LouD
Just my luck - I married the East German judge...

How would you rate his belching? A 10 is long deep one that he can actually communicate with it.
100 posted on 08/28/2003 10:24:46 PM PDT by jwh_Denver ("It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." Alright, which is it?)
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