A Few of FR's Finest....Every Day....06-07-03....Week In Review

Billie and dansangel

[Dubya]

Degrees of Blondeness..............

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

[LadyX]

Happy Saturday, Valerie!
And how is the mother of "My Three Sons" this day?

[Temple Owl]

Good Morning Lady. Don't you ever sleep? You're up early and went to bed late.

[Dubya]

HOW TO SURVIVE A HEART ATTACK ALONE

If everyone who gets this sends it to 10 people, you can bet that
we'll save at least one life.

Let's say it's 6:15 p.m. and you're driving home (alone of course),
after an unusually hard day on the job. You're really tired, upset and
frustrated. Suddenly you start experiencing severe pain in your chest
that starts to radiate out into your arm and up into your jaw. You are
only about five miles from the hospital nearest your home;
unfortunately you don't know if you'll be able to make it that far.

What can you do? You've been trained in CPR but the guy that taught
the course neglected to tell you how to perform it on yourself. Since
many people are alone when they suffer a heart attack, this article
seemed to be in order.

Without help, the person whose heart stops beating
properly and who begins to feel faint, has only about 10 seconds left
before losing consciousness. However, these victims can help
themselves by coughing repeatedly and very vigorously. A deep breath
should be taken before each cough. The cough must be deep and
prolonged, as when producing sputum from deep inside the chest. And a
cough must be repeated about every 2 seconds without let up until help
arrives, or until the heart is felt to be beating normally again.
Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs and coughing
movements squeeze the heart and keep the blood circulating. The
squeezing pressure on the heart also helps it regain normal rhythm. In
this way, heart attack victims can get to a hospital.

Tell as many other people as possible about this,it could save their lives! From
Health Cares, Rochester General Hospital via Chapter 240s newsletter
AND THE BEAT GOES ON ... (reprint from The Mended Hearts, Inc.
publication, Heart Response)

[Temple Owl]

Good morning Angel and all. You all look sweet and cuddly this morning.

[MeekOneGOP]

For humor purposes only . . .

The Ultimate Flame
(mildly offensive)

[LadyX]

Just when you think you've heard all the blonde jokes!
Dubya, those are gems!

Still laughing - - -

[LadyX]

Ah, but I went to bed by midnight, for a change!
Stirred at 5 - fed the cat - went back to sleep, and was a regular slug-a-bed this morning.

Then I mowed the lawn, trimmed the hedge, painted the Taj Mahal - oops - that was just a dream..:))

What's happening in Pennsylvania this day?

[LadyX]

Dubya, I'm concerned because this keeps circulating, long ago refuted by professionals.

Read this from www.mendedhearts.org/education...:

Cure This Contagious Rumor:
Coughing Won't Fend Off a Heart Attack

Despite a contagious rumor, coughing doesn't prevent a heart attack. An e-mail that spread around the world like a contagious disease a few years ago claimed that anyone who feels heart attack symptoms while alone should cough "repeatedly and very vigorously, repeating a breath about every two seconds…until help arrives, or (a normal heartbeat returns)."

Wrong, says the American Heart Association.

"It's right up there with voodoo as far as I'm concerned," says Dr. Cary Fishbein, a cardiologist with the Dayton Heart Center.

The coughing technique known as "cough CPR" has been used in hospitals by physicians to treat sudden irregular heartbeats in monitored patients during cardiac catheterization procedures. In this case, a responsive patient who develops a sudden irregular heartbeat could possibly maintain blood flow to the brain and remain conscious for a few seconds if they cough vigorously and forcefully while being directed by a physician.

But traditional CPR is not used to treat heart attack victims who remain conscious - but only if the heart attack if followed by cardiac arrest, the American Heart Association says.

What You Should Do

The American Heart Association encourages you to:

Recognize the warning signs.
Take immediate action, including calling 9-1-1.
Begin CPR, using a combination of rescue breaths and chest compressions.
Get early access to automated external defibrillation (AED).
The signs of sudden cardiac arrest are:

Sudden loss of consciousness
Loss of responsiveness (no response to stimulation)
Absence of normal breathing
The best way to survive a heart attack is to avoid it altogether by getting early treatment for heart problems, Fishbein says. "If you think you might have heart disease, get checked out."

Heart Attack Warning Signs

Here are some of the signs that can mean a heart attack is happening.
Chest discomfort - Most heart attacks involve discomfort in the center of the chest that lasts more than a few minutes, or that goes away and come back. It can feel like uncomfortable pressure, squeezing, fullness or pain. Discomfort in other areas of the upper body - Symptoms can include pain or discomfort in one or both arms, the back, neck, jaw or stomach.

Shortness of breath - This feeling often comes along with chest discomfort. But it can occur before the chest discomfort.

Other signs - These may include breaking out in a cold sweat, nausea or lightheadedness.

If you or someone you're with has chest discomfort, especially with one or more of the other signs, get help quickly (within five minutes).

Call 9-1-1. Get to a hospital right away. Calling 9-1-1 is almost always the fastest way to get life-saving treatment.

=========================================================

Know you thought you were being helpful, Dubya, but the e-mail was quite misleading, and could give the reader a false sense of security.

[MHGinTN]

What a cute alternative to the 'Viking Kitties' of zotdom!

[Dubya]

Thanks for letting me know.
I will print it out and take it to my Dr next time I go. I am an EMT, but we never covered self help. It sounds like it would work in a pinch. Hope I never need it.

[Dubya]

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "'Bout what?"

****** Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is
carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?" "Jes' some chickens." "If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?" "Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!" "OK.
Ummmmm...five?"

****** An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here-muh house is on fahr!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"


****** Why do folks in Kentucky go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or more? Because they heard 17 and under aren't admitted

****** Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive. " The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

**** Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32? They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

****** What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi? Documentaries


****** Where was the toothbrush invented? Arkansas. If it were invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

****** Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

******* A new law was recently passed in North Carolina so that when a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.

****** What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common? No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.

****** How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead.

[Dubya]

These are good.


1. Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit
with crashing thunder and severe lightning. I came into my bedroom about
2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared
by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that
night.

The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K.
to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home,
please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.

After my next trip several weeks later, my wife and the children picked
me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late,
there were hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving
passengers, also. As I entered the waiting area, my son
saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept
with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport
became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then
turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area
to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

2. An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her
then 4-yr. old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left
her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and
began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my
daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!' Then the child spoke into the
instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

3. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must
say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and
said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I
was, but mother says I'm not."

4. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the
boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're
too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and
asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

5. A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on
the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in
church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

6. At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the
altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down
around the pastor, he leaned over and said to the girl, "That is a very
pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The girl replied almost directly
into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to
iron."

Now the best for last:

7. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands
next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a
snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair
on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

Ever notice how a 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?

[Aquamarine]

Just wanted to say hello. Can't be around here much this week-end (having company). Look forward to seeing what the hostesses have planned for next week.

[dansangel]

Each of us can do that on FR. Because each of us has a unique view of reality, disagreement is the norm. Tolerance is required to allow another to communicate, and thus facilitate a dialogue.

Excellent point of view and I agree wholeheartedly.

Unfortunately, there is a small minority on FR whose sole purpose appears to be disagreement done disruptively. I find myself not posting to some threads because of them.

((((Graewoulf))))

[dansangel]

(((((((Aqua))))))))

Sorry you'll be scarce, but glad I ran into you today.

I'll be putting up the thread on Wednesday.....think "Nautical" for musical accompaniment.

:-)

[dansangel]

Thanks for the grub.

Thank *you* ((((((((Dubya)))))))) for the post on the flag. It's wonderful!

[dansangel]

Such a horrible waste...such a horrible way to die.

Words just cannot express how sick this makes me feel.

[dansangel]

Thanks for the good breakfast, Dansy...just what I needed...)

Glad it hit the spot, (((((((jwfiv)))))))

We're back from running errands - the rest of metro Atlanta is awake and out and about, so it's time for us to hibernate! :-)

[dansangel]

I posted the calendar twice because it was so good, not because I'm still sleep and not quite together today. ::yawn::

Still asleep at 11:22 a.m.??? Half the day is over, ((((((((Freezie))))))))).

At least that's what I used to tell my daughter when she would sleep in until noon. I honestly don't know how anyone can do that. :-)