Posted on 01/16/2002 7:09:00 PM PST by Dubya_gal
The Players: The President. The President's Physician. The Presidential Press Secretary. The First Lady. The National Security Adviser.
The Scene: The upstairs residence of The White House, where the President of the United States has, by the mercy of Heaven, survived an attack by a killer pretzel. The President sits quietly on a brocaded couch, idly scratching a dog's head. The other Players huddle nearby, talking in hushed tones.
Physician, to First Lady: ``He's fine now, ma'am. I'm sure it was frightening to him, and to all of you, but there appears to be no damage and no further danger.''
Security Adviser: ``But how could this happen? How do we know it won't happen again?''
Physician: ``Well, my guess would be that it's improper mastication technique. He may need lessons.''
President, overhearing: ``Hey! No way! I told you, I was just sitting here on the couch, watching the football game. Besides, you remember what happened when Clinton's doctor-lady friend wanted to start teaching that stuff to school kids?''
Physician: ``Uh sir, uh, `improper mastication' is the technical, medical term for failure to properly chew your food. It has nothing to do with . . . well, you know.''
President: ``Oh. OK then. But speak English, will ya? You scared my wife half to death there.''
Security Adviser: ``All right, the immediate crisis is over. But we have to develop a response strategy, and fast.''
President: ``Are all you people nuts? Look, I gagged on a pretzel, got a little groggy, and now the pretzel is gone and I'm fine. Can we get on with our lives?''
Press Secretary: ``It's not that simple, Mr. President. Sam Donaldson is on the air demanding to know, `What did the president chew, and when did he chew it?' CNN already has a graphic declaring `Pretzelgate, Day II: Salted or Unsalted?' And Geraldo Rivera told the Fox audience that he was in the room with you at the time and is willing to, in his words, `Take a pretzel for my President, anywhere, anytime.' ''
First Lady: ``PETA is putting up billboards that say, `Good thing it was a pretzel -- a Slim Jim would have killed him.' And G. Gordon Liddy's claiming that the `Single Pretzel Theory' is part of a global conspiracy.''
President: ``Oh, good Lord. My dad ralphed all over the Prime Minister of Japan and nobody got this excited. Heck, Cheney's heart is wired to a gerbil's exercise wheel and he gets away with it -- mostly 'cause we have him hidden in that basement, I guess. But `Pretzelgate'? You gotta be kiddin' me.''
Security Adviser: ``They're right, Mr. President. It's not going away that easily. Already, a lobbyist for the National Pretzel Association called to remind us that they gave $1,125 to the campaign. Instead of a pretzel, they want the White House to refer to it as an `unidentified salted snack.' And the FAA just announced that they're adding pretzels to the list of sharp objects to be confiscated from airline passengers. Those little half-ounce bags they hand out during the flights? History -- just like the killer peanuts.''
President: ``Mother of mercy. Makes you wonder what would happen if I got hold of a bad clam.''
The scene is interrupted by a ringing phone: ``Brrrr-ing. Brrrr-ing.''
First Lady: ``Honey, it's your Mom.''
President: (Picks up receiver.) ``Yes, Mom. Fine, Mom. Yes, Mom, 20 times on each side, just like you taught me. I'll remember from now on. Yes, Mom, I know you told Poppy that, too. Yes, Mom, I'll brush when I'm done. You too, Mom. Bye.''
President: (Hangs up phone, rolls eyes dramatically.) ``Swell. Now I'm supposed to carefully count the number of times I chew.''
First Lady: ``It's the price of greatness, dear.''
The scene is interrupted again by a ringing phone: ``Brrrr-ing. Brrrr-ing.''
Security Adviser: ``It's Al Gore, Mr. President.'' (At the sound of Gore's name, both dogs begin to howl.) ``He heard that you're counting the number of times you chew. He's demanding a recount.''
Fade to black.
Contact Dave at 446-2726, at djaddis@home.com or at www.pilotonline.com
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.