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Humor Break....
Modern Humorist ^ | 10-11-01

Posted on 10/11/2001 11:44:09 AM PDT by Solson

10.11.01 SUMMARY
Thousands of Muslim activists took to the streets of Indonesia in the fourth day of protests against American military action in Afghanistan. The demonstrators burned and hanged President George W. Bush in effigy while his Secret Service agents, also in effigy, looked on.
At an FBI briefing, President Bush revealed the first-ever list of most-wanted terrorists. The White House plans to work in conjunction with "America's Most Wanted" to produce a special on the group, and to collaborate with AOL Time Warner to publish a special issue of Teen People highlighting the 15 hottest Taliban youth, including Osama P. bin Laden, volleyball-playing stepson of Osama bin Laden.
10.10.01 SUMMARY
E! Entertainment Television announced its plans to air the "Tribute to Tribute to Heroes" next Sunday, a telethon to aid the celebrities whose courage was responsible for the most successful telethon in American history. "These stars selflessly dedicated five to seven hours of their highly lucrative careers to this cause," said host Steve Kmetko. "Had the Tribute been perceived as tacky, they could have lost serious cred. The least we can do now is see all their films, buy all their records, and restore the revenue they lost that September day through several million dollars in direct donations." On the telethon, Seann William Scott will pay tribute to Tom Cruise, Monica Potter to Julia Roberts, and the Josh Dodes Band to Billy Joel. The guy from Sixpence None the Richer will sing a song about the song that Bruce Springsteen sang.
Pentagon sources said Tuesday more than 1,000 U.S. troops, including special operations forces, are at the Khanabad military base near Karshi, Uzbekistan, roughly 100 miles north of Afghanistan. Please don't tell the Taliban, though. It's supposed to be a surprise.
In an exclusive episode of "Cribs" aired by the Al Jazeera cable network, Osama bin Laden toured his cave, showing off his submachine guns, Stinger missile collection and collection of 1970s handblown glass candy dishes.
The Taliban has arrested a French journalist in Afghanistan and is threatening to charge him with espionage, the French word for spying.
New Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge declared the nation secure, excepting certain Northeast states that remain insecure. He announced a plan to work closely with the states to get them dates with women they might consider out of their league.

10.09.01 SUMMARY
In the second round of attacks on the Taliban regime and the Al Qaeda terrorist network, American cruise missiles struck military installations and base camps targets in Kabul and Kandahar, Afghanistan. The Afghan people expressed their gratitude that state-of-the-art American technology had finally made it to their cities. "Can you send some Myst II: Riven, do you understand?" said an adolescent boy in Pashtu—a plea made even more heartbreaking by the fact that Myst III: Exile has been on store shelves for months.
In a related incident, Tom Cruise imagined his own missiles hitting an unspecified target inside an imaginary pilot of an imaginary B-2 bomber. He then sued the imaginary reporter who reported this imaginary act for the fictional sum of eleventy million dollars.
Even though nobody invited him, Paraguay showed up and said he wanted to join the coalition against terrorism. British Prime Minister Tony Blair said he sincerely appreciated Paraguay's offer and that "they should definitely hang out some time" but demurred when asked by Paraguay what was going on this weekend.
Assistant Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz defeated Secretary of State Colin Powell in the day's Indian Leg Wrestling match, evening their total record at 23-23.
The Pentagon stated it had dropped 37,000 meal rations in Afghanistan Sunday and Monday, prompting the United Nations to appeal to the international community to provide "something to wash them down with."
President George W. Bush swore in former Pennsylvania Governor Tom Ridge as the nation's director of homeland security. Ridge pledged that the World Trade Center towers would never again be attacked, "at least not on my watch."
The alluring visage of Paula Zahn made new demands to the United States, including freshly prepared inside-out California rolls with light soy sauce and a spray bottle of Evian—a personal secret for keeping the face from looking puffy.
On the eve of a major speech on the City’s budget, Mayor Rudy Giuliani once again urged New Yorkers to go about their normal routine. He clarified that New Yorkers who are terrorists, however, should forget about their normal routine.
Weird Al Yankovic is said to be stuck on the second verse of a heartfelt parody of "American Pie," which includes the chorus: "Rise, Rise Mr. American Guy / That bin Laden, yeah we got him, we can now watch him die." Defense department officials would not confirm the allegation, first reported by the Al Jazeera cable network.

TOPICS: News/Current Events; Political Humor/Cartoons

1 posted on 10/11/2001 11:44:09 AM PDT by Solson
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Big Apple Halloween Costumes...

2 posted on 10/11/2001 11:44:58 AM PDT by Solson
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To: Dead; Daus
3 posted on 10/11/2001 11:54:50 AM PDT by Solson
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To: Solson
here's another great war-related humor site:

War-related humor:

4 posted on 10/11/2001 11:56:29 AM PDT by Jack Bull
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To: Solson
Geez, what are we paying those secret service effigies for anyway?

Funny stuff!

5 posted on 10/11/2001 12:05:16 PM PDT by dead
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To: Solson
On Tuesday, Bush promised to "crush those urine-colored savages under our heels". The White House later clarified the President's remarks as "We welcome our Islamic brothers to the world's table". He also said he would sign the Kyoto Agreement "as soon as he can find the damn thing". The White House later clarified the President's remarks as "we are working with our partners on this historic agreement".

On Wednesday, Bush, appearing on CSPAN speaking to the National Jewish Conference, chastised Sharon as "A whiney Jew SOB". The White House later clarified the President's remarks by issuing the following statement "He never spoke at the conference, wasn't even scheduled to speak at the conference, never left the White House all day and CSPAN took his statements out of context".

6 posted on 10/11/2001 12:11:02 PM PDT by AppyPappy
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To: Solson
Why not call the bunker busters "Tali-whackers"?
7 posted on 10/11/2001 12:19:00 PM PDT by ruppertdog
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To: Solson
American Pie

Bye, Bye, Palestine and Iran,
Sayonara to the horror of the Taliban,
And all those Iraqis that are buried in sand,
Groaning "Curse those United Americans, Curse those United Americans"

8 posted on 10/11/2001 12:27:32 PM PDT by Lotabrain
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To: AppyPappy
Very funny!
9 posted on 10/11/2001 12:38:50 PM PDT by Solson
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To: ruppertdog
In recent days, much has been written about the change in our national mood, and how the tragic attacks will affect the entertainment industry.

After consulting with industry leaders, we have taken the initiative and drafted the following guidelines for comedy and for action movies. These rules are effective as of October 1.


Until further notice, all violent humor is to be replaced by sexist humor.
Similarly, all ethnic humor is to be replaced by obesity humor.
Jokes about death are to be replaced by jokes about long-term illness.
Jokes about long-term illness are to be replaced by jokes about minor injury.
Any stand-up comic who does a routine about airplanes is to be accompanied onstage by a federal marshal. (We should have done this years ago.)
No comedy is to be directed at countries with valuable airspace.
From now on, irony can only be deployed when referring to the following:
black flies in Chardonnays
free rides when you've already paid
death row pardons two minutes too late
Dick Cheney's heart condition is off-limits for comedians. However, his imminent liver failure is fair game.
President George W. Bush is off-limits: He could prove to be a strategic ally in our fight against the Taliban.
Comedy about violent Islamic extremists should not impugn all of the innocent violent extremists of other faiths.
WARNING! Comedy = Tragedy + Time. If you tell jokes about the recent tragedies, you will be hurled into the distant future.
Caution: Do not go overboard on cheap sentiment. Robin Williams is still excommunicated from the community of civilized comics. We will not distinguish between Robin Williams and the entertainment executives who harbor him.

"Fists of Furry"
Eight hours. Two arms. Three teddy bears. Can one man hug them for the entire duration? Yes. Yes he can. Will they continue to provide nightlong comfort in this time of fear and uncertainty? Yes. Yes they will.
"Attack of the Cleansing Rainwater"
A crack team of large clouds — which bear no resemblance to humans with guns — falls gently on a Missouri hill. Don't worry: This could never happen in real life.
"The Call"
A covert cell of radical Islamic fundamentalists has been secretly praying for peace around the world. Only one man can answer their calls: the all-knowing and merciful Allah.
"Cybil Libertease"
She's a dancer. She's a stripper. She's our nation's most prized possession. But are we willing to sacrifice her for increased security? I don't know, but she sure can strip!
"The Mongoose and the Cobra"
The Mongoose and the Cobra are friends. They do not fight. They spoon in bed. They gently chuckle at their differences. When they argue, Mongoose may savagely flash his fangs and Cobra may spray deadly spittle, but eventually everything works out fine.
"Hell On Earth"
A breathtaking documentary about chocolate ice cream and how amazingly yummy it is.

Woody Allen's celebrated classic will now contain no images of Manhattan.
The "Die Hard" trilogy
No skyscrapers, airplanes or bombs shown. Running time of trilogy: four minutes, 19 seconds.
The character "Ross" is now left-handed.

10 posted on 10/11/2001 12:42:01 PM PDT by Solson
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To: Solson
Everyone has seen the everything-adds-up-to-911-I'm-going-to-die email that is floating around.

Original Letter:

The date of the attack: 9/11 - 9 + 1 + 1 = 11
September 11th is the 254th day of the year: 2 + 5 + 4 = 11
After September 11th there are 111 days left to the end of the year.
119 is the area code to Iraq/Iran. 1 + 1 + 9 = 11
Twin Towers - standing side by side, looks like the number 11
The first plane to hit the towers was Flight 11

I Have More.......

State of New York - The 11th State added to the Union
New York City - 11 Letters
Afghanistan - 11 Letters
The Pentagon - 11 Letters
Ramzi Yousef - 11 Letters (convicted or orchestrating the attack at the WTC in 1993)
Flight 11 - 92 on board - 9 + 2 = 11
Flight 77 - 65 on board - 6 + 5 = 11

Someone named Dave decided to repsond..

Dave's response:

Oh my God! How worried should I be? There are 11 letters in the name "David Pawson!" I'm going into hiding NOW. See you in a few weeks.

Wait a sec ... just realized "YOU CAN'T HIDE" also has 11 letters! What am I gonna do? Help me!!! The terrorists are after me! ME! I can't believe it!

Oh crap, there must be someplace on the planet Earth I could hide! But no ..."PLANET EARTH" has 11 letters, too!

Maybe Nostradamus can help me. But dare I trust him? There are 11 letters in "NOSTRADAMUS."

I know, the Red Cross can help. No they can't... 11 letters in "THE RED CROSS," can't trust them.

I would rely on self defense, but "SELF DEFENSE" has 11 letters in it, too! Can someone help?

Anyone? If so, send me email. No, don't... "SEND ME EMAIL" has 11 letters....

Will this never end? I'm going insane! "GOING INSANE???" Eleven letters!!

Nooooooooooo!!!!!! I guess I'll die alone, even though "I'LL DIE ALONE" has 11 letters.....

Oh my God, I just realized that America is doomed! Our Independence Day is July 4th ... 7/4 ... 7+4=11!


PS. "IT'S BULLSHIT" has 11 letters also.

you've gotta love the sense of humor

11 posted on 10/11/2001 12:53:56 PM PDT by BoldlyGoingNowhere
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