Shock discovery: American satire is funny

Telegraph (UK) ^ | 09/06/2001 | Sam Leith

[dighton]

Much of The Onion is too crude and nihilistic for my taste, but when it's good it's good.

[Incorrigible]

I've been a long time Onion reader since I went to college in Wisconsin in the 80's. When it's good, it's good alright.

Well the English paper "The Guardian" bought the Lovenstein Presidential IQ analysis. At least the telegraph isn't that bad!

[HalfIrish]

There have been a few instances of people posting Onion stuff here and dozens of posters responding as if the story was real news.

[GuillermoX]

bumpers

[headsonpikes]

You have to admit it's fun to post to an Onion story.;^)

[Vince Ferrer]

My favorite Onion headline:

"Blues singer's wife wants to tell her side of the story"

[dzurn]

My favorite (From "Our Dumb Century"):

"World's Largest Metaphor Hits Iceberg"

[IncPen]

My favorite Onion headline: "ACLU Defends Right of Nazis to Burn Down ACLU Headquarters"

[xm177e2]

I liked "FOX Defends Airing of 'When Jews Attack'"

[HalfIrish]

Whatever happened to that last one anyway?

[eddie willers]

It's hard to beat the one quoted in the article:

"Nation's Whites Eagerly Await Windows '95 Launch,"

[krb]

My personal favorite from the "Our Dumb Century" book:

"Revolution in Russia...Peasants divide Frozen Tundra Equally"

[July 4th]

Ahhh...there's nothing like "Onion day" in Madison. Once a week, students pick up the Onion along with our two daily student papers, and usually never get around to reading anything other than the Onion. The papers with the real news end up littering the floors of classrooms.

They took a real beating here for moving to New York though...we would have liked to see them stay, but that's the price of growing popularity. You need to be where the deals are made. (They would have had to move anyways...the building they were in is getting torn down for a bigger one.)

[A.J.Armitage]

      CALHOUN FALLS, SC—Garry Melcher's plans to have sexual intercourse at last weekend's DragonCon 2001 were unsuccessful, the 27-year-old comic-book collector and science-fiction fan conceded Tuesday.

Above: Melcher stands alone in the Dealers Hall.

      "I was really hoping to meet some ladies at DragonCon for a little of the old horizontal bop," said Melcher, who has been unwillingly celibate for the last 17 months. "It didn't really pan out, though."

      Billed as "America's largest annual convention for fans of sci-fi, fantasy and horror, comics and art, games and computers, animation, science, music, television, and films," DragonCon 2001 was held at the Hyatt Regency in downtown Atlanta from Aug. 31 to Sept. 3. Unfortunately, not one of the convention's 20,000-plus attendees was willing to copulate with Melcher at any point during the four days of the event.

      "I drove down to Atlanta with my best friend Andy [Razowsky], but I opted against sharing a hotel room with him, just in case I ended up needing a little privacy," Melcher said. "In fact, I was even thinking of going to DragonCon just by myself, to do a lone-wolf sort of thing."

      According to Melcher, women in his hometown of Calhoun Falls "wouldn't know the Green Lantern from the Green Arrow." As a result, he has not had a date since former girlfriend and longtime Illuminati: New World Order opponent Carrie Lenz broke up with him in March 2000.

      "I know a lot of girls online, but that's not really the same," Melcher said. "I needed to see some face to face."

      Melcher said he was greatly looking forward to DragonCon, which offers attendees many opportunities to socialize. Events this year included three dances—the Classic Style Gothic Industrial dance on Friday, '80s New Wave on Saturday, and Electronic Body Music, Synth-Pop, and Modern Gothic-Industrial on Sunday—as well as unofficial dances and drum circles each night on the Hyatt Regency's Pool Deck.

      "The whole week before DragonCon, people on the Internet bulletin boards were posting messages about different parties they'd be throwing," Melcher said. "They were all like, 'Anyone can come. It's in Room 645 Sunday night. See you there!' I hadn't been to a party in a while, so I was pretty psyched."

      As DragonCon approached, Melcher found himself daydreaming about some of the possible convention scenarios that might lead to sexual congress.

      "I imagined some girl and I talking about the new Lord Of The Rings movie," Melcher said. "Then I could say, 'Oh, I have the trailer on my laptop back in my hotel room if you want to see it. I was also thinking it'd be really cool if I was up against some girl in a trivia contest, and it came down to us battling it out neck-and-neck... I could definitely see things getting heated in a situation like that."

      Added Melcher: "The crazy thing is, I did actually wind up entering a trivia contest. Unfortunately, I got knocked out on the first question. I should've known [Angel cast member] Andy Hallett's hometown was Osterville, MA."

	Above: A trio of DragonCon 2001 attendees, one of whom, significantly, is a woman.

      Upon arriving at DragonCon, Melcher found himself disappointed in the dating pool, noticing a gender ratio decidedly skewed toward males.

      "I guess girls aren't into dragons and superheroes as much as guys are," Melcher said. "That fact really hit me when I first walked into the main exhibition hall: Talk about a total sausage fest."

      Though a distinct minority, some females were present at DragonCon.

      "There was this one girl dressed up like Black Canary. She had the boots and the fishnet stockings and everything," Melcher said. "I couldn't really talk to her, though, because there was a pretty dense crowd of guys around her at all times."

      Melcher's luck did not improve, even when he attended events more likely to draw females.

      "Andy and I went to this Sailor Moon thing because we knew girls would be there," Melcher said. "Make no mistake—we do not like Sailor Moon. The animation totally sucks."

      At the Sailor Moon symposium, Melcher finally spoke to a number of women in the target 18-to-30 age group. The women, however, were only interested in talking about Sailor Moon.

      "This one girl asked me if I wrote fan fiction, and I said yes," Melcher said. "That worked pretty well until she started asking me which Sailor Scout was my favorite."

      Subsequent efforts to meet women were similarly unsuccessful. Saturday evening, Melcher attended a special get-together in the Hyatt Regency's Colonel's Room. The event was populated with dozens of long-haired, middle-aged men and a handful of drunk, heavily made-up 15-year-old girls. The following night, Melcher attended a party he had heard about in an online chat room. Held in Hyatt Regency Suite 239, the party consisted of 20 people discussing comic books as They Might Be Giants' Lincoln blared on a boombox.

      "It was an awesome party, but I was nervous about not knowing anyone, so I ended up drinking way too much," Melcher said. "I distinctly remember talking to this one girl who actually did inking on the last Batgirl series—right before I puked off the balcony."

      "The next day, Andy had to drive the whole way home while I slept in the back seat," Melcher said. "Oh, well, I guess there's always DragonCon 2002."

[July 4th]

This one's my all time favorite:

http://www.theonion.com/onion3510/european_romantic.html

It's so perfect.

[KillTime]

My first Onion headline story in the mid 80s and I was hooked: "Russians Discover Secret of Fire". Gawd, I wish I kept a copy.

[July 4th]

You mean this one? http://www.theonion.com/onion2919/secretoffire.html

[A.J.Armitage]

News

Cheer Introduces New Higher-Priced Cheer

Sounds Of Air Hockey Coming From Supreme Court Chambers

Schoolchildren Watch Urinating Horse With Mounting Fear And Awe

[SamAdams76]

Hola Freepers! What's up? It's been a long time since I rapped at ya, I know, but I've been busy these days. See, I've been checking out this new website called The Onion and it never fails to crack me up.

Anyway, here I am back at the Free Republic to tell you that you should really check out that website. It's a stone groove.

[dighton]

</marquee up></marquee up></marquee up></marquee up> Peasant Wedding Gets Out of Hand

OOTGROOT, FLANDERS -- A peasant wedding in the Flemish town of Ootgroot degenerated into a drunken melée Friday, leaving several dead and the town's butter churn overturned.

The wedding, described by observers as "coarse" and "picaresque," was quelled by the dawn of the Sabbath, but not before several in the wedding party perished and swine ran amok in the cornfield.

"Not since the Inquisition have I witnessed such unbridled carnage," said Boort der Dyck, local magistrate and owner of a fine yearling ass.

The wedding of Margrethe, daughter of Jan the Beekeeper, and Pieter, an apprentice harness-maker, happened to fall on the Feast of St. Anthony, patron saint of swineherds and bell-ringers. It is believed that this may have contributed to the drunken revelry amongst guests. A great sheep's-bladder of cider was brought up from Antwerp for the occasion, and pipers were engaged to make merry music.

According to witnesses, vows were scarcely finished when the peasants began to fight over the cauldron of swill that served as the wedding repast. The abundance of cider and the pipers' ever-present melodies soon drove the peasants into a frenzy of mad whirling, gluttony and prankish behavior.

"Mies the Swineherd ripped his codpiece dancing about," said Grete, wife of Franck the Butcher. "And Joost the Dullard tied a bell to Puss' tail and dropped her in the well."

Delirious from the escalating mayhem, wedding patrons urinated out the windows of their thatched hovels, smashed earthenware jugs, and whacked blind beggars with gourds.

The already explosive situation soon deteriorated when a brawl broke out among members of the bride's and groom's families over the ownership of a pheasant.

"Pieter's clan argued that it belonged to them because it was part of Margrethe's dowry, a claim her family denied," Grete said. "Soon both parties were drubbing each other with their great, meaty fists, which they scarcely felt because they were so full of cider."

So disturbed was Erasmus van Ghent, burgomaster of Ootgroot, that he called upon a local garrison of Spanish mercenaries to put down the chaos. Witnesses report that the Spaniards took to their work with relish, impaling many with pikes, severing codpieces, and setting huts ablaze. Within minutes of the Spaniards' arrival, the peasants scattered to parts unknown, and a relieved van Ghent rewarded the garrison with guilders and sacks of saltpeter.

"Plague take these sinners and their ungodly ways," van Ghent said. "Such coarse, loutish behavior on the part of the lower classes is not to be tolerated."

Holy Roman Emperor Charles V could not be reached for comment.

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