Shock discovery: American satire is funny

YESTERDAY, attentive readers of the Guardian Diary will have seen a rare but significant instance of a biter bit. The paper's diarist Matthew Norman - himself a black-belt in the arts of hoax and wind-up - had published as fact a spoof report from the American satirical newspaper The Onion.

Featuring a fictional type-designers' awards ceremony, it quoted the winner as saying: "A million thanks to all the wonderful folks in the font community who believed in Helvetica Bold Oblique."

It's easy to sympathise. The Onion sends up the bone-dry, deadpan style of American newspapers with such precision that, at a quick glance, its spoof stories could have come straight from the pages of the New York Times.

Started in 1988 as a college bog-sheet at the University of Wisconsin, The Onion now distributes its print edition in four US cities - its hometown of Madison, as well as Denver, Chicago and Milwaukee - and sells more than 200,000 copies. A New York edition is being launched at the end of the month, and San Francisco has been targeted for next year.

Britons are more likely to read its online edition - www.theonion.com - which attracts four million visitors a month and dominates the humour category of the annual Webbies (internet awards) in the same way that The Daily Telegraph's Matt Pritchett triumphs whenever prizes are given for pocket cartoons.

It is howlingly, weepingly, achingly funny. Reluctant though certain Britons will be to admit it, Americans cannot only do satire, but they can do it better than us. Though The Onion has strong similarities to the spoof news reports on the funnies pages of Private Eye, it gains from the solemnity of the newspaper culture in which it works.

The headlines - some whimsical, some vinegary with liberal disaffection - have been a particular pleasure: "Nation's Whites Eagerly Await Windows '95 Launch," "Psychiatrist Cures Patient," "Man in headlock only wanted to party," "Sudanese 14-year-old has mid-life crisis."

During the American elections, the paper ran a now-celebrated story headlined "Bush Reaches Out To Hispanic Community With Generous Tip". The intro read: "Bush extended the hand of friendship to the nation's Hispanic community after leaving a larger-than-customary tip for waiter Ramon Gonzalez after eating at La Galeria, a trendy Chula Vista Bistro."

The eight-strong writing staff of The Onion, who range in age from 29 to 34, are Generation X-ers who could have walked straight out of a Kevin Smith movie. Their current headline writer, Todd Hanson, used to be a dishwasher and convenience store clerk. Another was recruited from the local sandwich shop.

When, in April this year, they folded tent in Wisconsin and moved their HQ to smart new offices in an upmarket part of New York, the first furniture they installed was a ping-pong table and table-football.

This isn't to say that they aren't financially savvy. The business, which is half-owned by its CEO Pete Haise, employs around 120 people. In the media section of Onion's website, browsers will find a slick series of pages briefing potential advertisers about the attractive demographics of the site's readership.

Already, there have been two highly successful spin-off books: The Onion's Finest News Reporting and Our Dumb Century. The latter, not unlike the Sun's important millennial retrospective Hold Ye Front Page, is a series of newspaper front pages following Twentieth Century history.

Meanwhile, Miramax has bought "first-look" options on their material. The Onion's editor-in-chief, Rob Siegel, says that movie deals for Canadian Girlfriend Unsubstantiated and 10th Circle Added to Rapidly Expanding Hell, are "in the cocktail-party stage".

However big it becomes, one mystery is likely to remain: why it's called The Onion. "It's highly debated," says senior staff writer Carol Kolb. "There's one theory that an "onion" was newspaper slang for a juicy story with many layers. I think, in reality, they were just looking for a dumb name."

CALHOUN FALLS, SC—Garry Melcher's plans to have sexual intercourse at last weekend's DragonCon 2001 were unsuccessful, the 27-year-old comic-book collector and science-fiction fan conceded Tuesday.


Above: Melcher stands alone in the Dealers Hall.

"I was really hoping to meet some ladies at DragonCon for a little of the old horizontal bop," said Melcher, who has been unwillingly celibate for the last 17 months. "It didn't really pan out, though."

Billed as "America's largest annual convention for fans of sci-fi, fantasy and horror, comics and art, games and computers, animation, science, music, television, and films," DragonCon 2001 was held at the Hyatt Regency in downtown Atlanta from Aug. 31 to Sept. 3. Unfortunately, not one of the convention's 20,000-plus attendees was willing to copulate with Melcher at any point during the four days of the event.

"I drove down to Atlanta with my best friend Andy [Razowsky], but I opted against sharing a hotel room with him, just in case I ended up needing a little privacy," Melcher said. "In fact, I was even thinking of going to DragonCon just by myself, to do a lone-wolf sort of thing."

According to Melcher, women in his hometown of Calhoun Falls "wouldn't know the Green Lantern from the Green Arrow." As a result, he has not had a date since former girlfriend and longtime Illuminati: New World Order opponent Carrie Lenz broke up with him in March 2000.

"I know a lot of girls online, but that's not really the same," Melcher said. "I needed to see some face to face."

Melcher said he was greatly looking forward to DragonCon, which offers attendees many opportunities to socialize. Events this year included three dances—the Classic Style Gothic Industrial dance on Friday, '80s New Wave on Saturday, and Electronic Body Music, Synth-Pop, and Modern Gothic-Industrial on Sunday—as well as unofficial dances and drum circles each night on the Hyatt Regency's Pool Deck.

"The whole week before DragonCon, people on the Internet bulletin boards were posting messages about different parties they'd be throwing," Melcher said. "They were all like, 'Anyone can come. It's in Room 645 Sunday night. See you there!' I hadn't been to a party in a while, so I was pretty psyched."

As DragonCon approached, Melcher found himself daydreaming about some of the possible convention scenarios that might lead to sexual congress.

"I imagined some girl and I talking about the new Lord Of The Rings movie," Melcher said. "Then I could say, 'Oh, I have the trailer on my laptop back in my hotel room if you want to see it. I was also thinking it'd be really cool if I was up against some girl in a trivia contest, and it came down to us battling it out neck-and-neck... I could definitely see things getting heated in a situation like that."

Added Melcher: "The crazy thing is, I did actually wind up entering a trivia contest. Unfortunately, I got knocked out on the first question. I should've known [Angel cast member] Andy Hallett's hometown was Osterville, MA."


	Above: A trio of DragonCon 2001 attendees, one of whom, significantly, is a woman.

Upon arriving at DragonCon, Melcher found himself disappointed in the dating pool, noticing a gender ratio decidedly skewed toward males.

"I guess girls aren't into dragons and superheroes as much as guys are," Melcher said. "That fact really hit me when I first walked into the main exhibition hall: Talk about a total sausage fest."

Though a distinct minority, some females were present at DragonCon.

"There was this one girl dressed up like Black Canary. She had the boots and the fishnet stockings and everything," Melcher said. "I couldn't really talk to her, though, because there was a pretty dense crowd of guys around her at all times."

Melcher's luck did not improve, even when he attended events more likely to draw females.

"Andy and I went to this Sailor Moon thing because we knew girls would be there," Melcher said. "Make no mistake—we do not like Sailor Moon. The animation totally sucks."

At the Sailor Moon symposium, Melcher finally spoke to a number of women in the target 18-to-30 age group. The women, however, were only interested in talking about Sailor Moon.

"This one girl asked me if I wrote fan fiction, and I said yes," Melcher said. "That worked pretty well until she started asking me which Sailor Scout was my favorite."

Subsequent efforts to meet women were similarly unsuccessful. Saturday evening, Melcher attended a special get-together in the Hyatt Regency's Colonel's Room. The event was populated with dozens of long-haired, middle-aged men and a handful of drunk, heavily made-up 15-year-old girls. The following night, Melcher attended a party he had heard about in an online chat room. Held in Hyatt Regency Suite 239, the party consisted of 20 people discussing comic books as They Might Be Giants' Lincoln blared on a boombox.

"It was an awesome party, but I was nervous about not knowing anyone, so I ended up drinking way too much," Melcher said. "I distinctly remember talking to this one girl who actually did inking on the last Batgirl series—right before I puked off the balcony."

"The next day, Andy had to drive the whole way home while I slept in the back seat," Melcher said. "Oh, well, I guess there's always DragonCon 2002."

</marquee up></marquee up></marquee up></marquee up> Peasant Wedding Gets Out of Hand

OOTGROOT, FLANDERS -- A peasant wedding in the Flemish town of Ootgroot degenerated into a drunken melée Friday, leaving several dead and the town's butter churn overturned.

The wedding, described by observers as "coarse" and "picaresque," was quelled by the dawn of the Sabbath, but not before several in the wedding party perished and swine ran amok in the cornfield.

"Not since the Inquisition have I witnessed such unbridled carnage," said Boort der Dyck, local magistrate and owner of a fine yearling ass.

The wedding of Margrethe, daughter of Jan the Beekeeper, and Pieter, an apprentice harness-maker, happened to fall on the Feast of St. Anthony, patron saint of swineherds and bell-ringers. It is believed that this may have contributed to the drunken revelry amongst guests. A great sheep's-bladder of cider was brought up from Antwerp for the occasion, and pipers were engaged to make merry music.

According to witnesses, vows were scarcely finished when the peasants began to fight over the cauldron of swill that served as the wedding repast. The abundance of cider and the pipers' ever-present melodies soon drove the peasants into a frenzy of mad whirling, gluttony and prankish behavior.

"Mies the Swineherd ripped his codpiece dancing about," said Grete, wife of Franck the Butcher. "And Joost the Dullard tied a bell to Puss' tail and dropped her in the well."

Delirious from the escalating mayhem, wedding patrons urinated out the windows of their thatched hovels, smashed earthenware jugs, and whacked blind beggars with gourds.

The already explosive situation soon deteriorated when a brawl broke out among members of the bride's and groom's families over the ownership of a pheasant.

"Pieter's clan argued that it belonged to them because it was part of Margrethe's dowry, a claim her family denied," Grete said. "Soon both parties were drubbing each other with their great, meaty fists, which they scarcely felt because they were so full of cider."

So disturbed was Erasmus van Ghent, burgomaster of Ootgroot, that he called upon a local garrison of Spanish mercenaries to put down the chaos. Witnesses report that the Spaniards took to their work with relish, impaling many with pikes, severing codpieces, and setting huts ablaze. Within minutes of the Spaniards' arrival, the peasants scattered to parts unknown, and a relieved van Ghent rewarded the garrison with guilders and sacks of saltpeter.

"Plague take these sinners and their ungodly ways," van Ghent said. "Such coarse, loutish behavior on the part of the lower classes is not to be tolerated."

Holy Roman Emperor Charles V could not be reached for comment.

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