I saw a story like this one a few years ago where a woman was raped and gave the child up. It ripped that boy's guts out that his mother wanted nothing to do with him, but she associated him with the worst day of her life and he was just a reminder of it.
It is not the fault of the adopted child to to want to know where she came from. For some adopted kids it is an obsession.
This woman should have had therapy to deal with this and stop rejecting the daughter. She is an innocent now as she was 30 years ago. Social workers should help them both come to an understanding and parting.
I always wondered why we never adopted a double-blind system. Mother and or child can put their name in a database. If-and-only-if both want to be contacted, then information is released to both simultaneously so they can meet. If only one enters the base or wants contact, then no info is released and that’s that. It may take some people almost their whole lives to come to terms with that, but IMVHO it seems the best way.
She needn’t blame the 30 year old child. She didn’t rape her.
If the woman was,in fact,raped (which I’m willing to assume is the case) then this is sad situation but the lawsuit is baloney.If I was on the jury I’d vote against her.
I find it disgusting that this woman blames the child for the rape, no matter what she is saying, she blames the child. The was and is still innocent.
I think children should have the right to try to identify their birth parent, while also the birth parent should have the right to say they don’t want to be “found”, even to not be identified by their child.
Problems loom in both directions.
The information on the parent may be denied to the child, even though the parent did not make it known that they desired to not be found.
Also, various forms of public record searches are possible without going though strong gate-keepers, providing the means to search for the parent outside of the institutional gate-keepers, and possibly resulting in a parent being found who expressly requested to not be found.
We can also ask: how does this issue intersect with births resulting from artificial insemination and/or fertilization via eggs and/or sperm from “anonymous” donors?? Do birth certificates list the names of the actual donors, or is that information held only in the medical clinic(s) involved? If I were to be a tyrant and have my way, the birth certificates would HAVE to identify the human genetic parents, no matter what other “parents” were identified.
In this case, I blame the mother. When approached to discover if she wanted contact with the child she gave up for adoption, she had an opportunity to say “no!” in clear and ambiguous terms. She refused to do anything, and just hoped nothing would happen.
However, there are many critical reasons that an adoptive child wishes to contact their biological parents. Often life or death health reasons. Not too long ago, unmarried, underage women were often coerced to give their child up, even though they did not wish to. And far too often, by a paternal parent or guardian who had incestuously impregnated them in the first place.
While it is generally traumatic for a parent to give up their child for adoption, it is just as bad, or worse, for the child. And without closure, one way or another, they are condemned to a life of angst, which was none of their doing.
Of four adoptive children, now adults, I knew, who were reunified with their parents, one of them found out that indeed it was wise for them to be put up for adoption by a worthless and alcoholic father; and two of them had friendly meetings with their biological mothers, and stayed on friendly terms, if not together.
The fourth girl had a superb outcome, as her biological mother had been brokenhearted when forced to put her up for adoption. She also had a new brother and sister. All told, she now has two families, both of whom love her very much, and she has never been happier.
The posts here are very distubing. This is a conservative site, not some Lefty ‘feel good’ forum.
What happened to the right of this woman to be left alone?
I’m surprised at the level of emotion here.
I side with the mother. I understand the need of the daughter. BUT - let’s say rape is not something “you deal with and get over”. It’s not a natural part of life. You can’t replace what was taken. It’s not having a loved one die.
It’s internal torture that only the very bravest among us can forgive or fully heal from. It doesn’t make those of us that can’t achieve this goal less than perfect. It doesn’t make us defective.
Maybe this woman will get to a better place and accept her child. If she doesn’t, the daughter will have to understand.
That the mother gave her life when abortion was fully available 30 years ago is a testament in itself. That may have to be enough.
The child has life, the mother has unknown memories and pain. And out of the blue, on her front steps, stands the result of her ordeal. Has the child looked for her father? The man that 30 years later is still inflicting pain on both of his victims?
And judge not, at least not before you walk across your kitchen in HER shoes.
Please, I beg humbly please.
She doesn't want to see the child because she closed that chapter years ago, received a guarantee by the state, and went on with her life, only to have some Democrat social worker set aside the law and do whatever she wanted to this woman. If it were the biological father who was being stalked by the given-up child, we would not be hearing these derogatory comments. Secondly, the lawyers in cases like these take 60% to 80% of any monies awarded and the jury also has a right to reduce the amount of the award; the money really isn't so much for the mother as it is to deter the State of New Jersey from doing the same thing again.
The mother is the equivalent of a sperm donor. She gave the child life; she does not owe a happy ending at a cost of reliving the horror of the assault, and the fact that she kept this private even from her present family -- which was her right, given that the State had promised to respect her privacy.
There was life before Oprah and Dr Phil and Jon and Kate Plus Eight, in which people had a right to privacy. They did not have to tell everybody everything painful about themselves. The aggressiveness of the offspring in contacting not only the mother but also the biological sister is not helping; it sounds like stalking and entitlement attitude.
People whose parents died do not get to go and find them and disrupt their lives. People whose parents lived and were abusive do not get to have their fantasies about a happy reunion with a loving mother, either. Life is tough. But if we keep believing that laws are inconveeeeeniences that should be swept aside by sentimentality, we deserve the socialism we are getting.
The lady should have made her feelings known when she got the letter of inquiry from DYFS. Funny how a million dollars will make the pain go away.
These are terribly sensitive areas to deal with. Someone I know was contacted by her adopted-out son who was also conceived during a brutal rape. The reunion has been wonderful, the families all around have welcomed each other with open arms.
It’s too bad for this woman because she probably would benefit and heal from an ugly past if she would allow this blessing into her life.
I do not doubt her anguish and my heart goes out to her. But she should have answered the letter.
My heart also goes out to the child who she gave up for adoption. It must be devastating to be turned away after such a search.
The mother needs to understand that her biological child is doing what she needs to do to make peace with who she as just as the mother did what she had to do to put the rape behind her.
The lessons learned from this
1. The reaction rarely measures up to the fantasy
2. Take the time to say 'no' if that is what your wishes are.
in fact in my extended family adoptions has opened loads of behavioral questions
yes before the hawks swoop in for the kill I know there are exceptions
i know a freeper who told me that good orphanages were far better than foster homes but orphanages now are un pc
Have you wondered how the state knew where she was.
People move allot in 30 years, how did they have a current address?
Could they have looked up current tax records, maybe, but probably to much work.
It was a sad day for children, mothers and the country when these child-like fantasies of adopted children to find the prince and princess from whence they came began to be abetted by the law.
It will start making mothers think twice about giving up babies for adoption.
There’s nothing really to be gained except the the rare instances that there is some hereditary condition, and even then, what good does knowing about it do?
There used to be a good faith understanding that these adoptions would remain private and they should.
The Oprah moments aren’t worth the heartache and are mostly not up to expectations anyway.
Poor innocent girl. What a heartless way to great one’s own child who was totally innocent of any crime.
Good God!
How do people get so twisted?
This mother did NOT throw her child away. On the contrary, it took enormous courage to accept that at the time, she was unable to unconditionally cherish that child the way she deserved to be loved. That took guts.
I adopted a sibling set of four (fully biological) out of foster care, and they know who their birthparents are (since they were old enough at removal to remember being with them). They are now 7, 11, 12, and 15. On occasion, they have asked about finding their birthparents “to tell them what they did wrong”, and I have told them that when they turn 18, I will do what I can to help them locate their birthparents. However, I sat my oldest down (she’s 15) and told her that since she will turn 18 first, it may not be in the best interest of her younger three siblings for her birthparents to know our name and where we live, which would be revealed should my daughter wish to contact them at that time. I’ve asked her to be willing to wait until her younger siblings become “of age” so they can decide together what is best. I’m raising them to think for themselves, to consider others lovingly in decisions they make, and they are open to my input (praise God).
Being an adoptive mother myself, I am so careful never to judge or criticize anyone for reliquinshing a child they give birth to. I cannot possibility begin to know the agony of that decision — or the enormous courage it requires.