Posted on 03/31/2009 3:40:41 PM PDT by Never on my watch
Tuesday, March 31, 2009 Washington D.C.: President Obama unveiled a new White House initiative designed to stimulate the economy, resuscitate ailing General Motors, and simultaneously support our federal and local undercover agents.
“This plan brings Government/Business collaboration into a new era that breaches boundaries that were, up to this point, seemingly impenetrable.” The President said in an impromptu press conference late this afternoon. “As interim CEO for General Motors, I am in the unique position to offer the United States Government a deal too good to pass up!"
“This Covert Agent Revitalization Plan (CARP) addresses the long overlooked problem of covert agent transportation. Our dedicated undercover agents and operatives in various local and federal agencies are often forced to spend hours and even days in old beat-up cars with none of the creature comforts and safety features available in the 2009 line of General Motors Vehicles. I think it is unconscionable that we compel our agents to drive around dangerous neighborhoods without front and side impact airbags and anti-loc brakes, let alone the benefits of environmentally-friendly Air Conditioning, cruise control as well as the automatic windows and door locks that are standard on most GM vehicles.”
Mr. Obama continued, “Here is an example of what I am talking about. The picture on the screen was taken early this morning at the corner of Elm and Sharpton in Camden, New Jersey. In the white 1973 Plymouth Fury, you can see undercover FBI agent Manual Ramirez sitting next to his Camden P.D. counterpart, Richey Williams. They have been working undercover for several months to bring down the violent gun-smuggling ‘Jackson’ gang in the brownstone across the street. They believe that in the coming months they can bring this criminal enterprise down and the gang to justice. They have spent hundreds of hours in that vehicle. I think we can do better by them."
“This approach is designed to utilize the vast inventories of GM vehicles to support our clandestine services. As president, I will sign an executive order to immediately purchase ten thousand GM vehicles for this purpose, with a requirement that hybrid and alternative fuel vehicles make up seventy five percent of the acquisition. Federal law enforcement agencies will get five thousand, and the remaining will be distributed to state, local and county agencies as needed to support their covert operations. The GM line offers many options to suite various agencies; for example, our hybrid vehicles are so quiet that they are a perfect fit for surveillance operations, our Cadillac line would prove quite valuable to our agents posing as pimps, and our new Corvette would ensure speeders are no match for our highway patrol officers. I know our line of conversion vans would be a welcome relief to surveillance technicians on those long cold nights outside the ‘High Top” club in Brooklyn N.Y.”
“I am also thinking of the families of the valiant agents. I think Agent Ramirez will be happy to drive to his Cherry Hill home in a brand new Metallic Blue Impala. Imagine the smiles on the faces of his lovely wife Rita and their 3 kids, Maria, Anna, and Enrique!”
“In my role as interim GM CEO, I have authorized my dealerships to offer special incentives to the government such as zero percent financing, rebates, cash-back bonuses, and free undercoating. In my role as President of the United States, I find it refreshing that General Motors has put aside the selfish pursuit of profits in favor of sacrifice for the country. I hope that other companies and industries will follow suit."
An excellent vanity. One you can be proud to share with all of us.
Good job.
I must say though, if ever Zero does decide to start a secret police I highly doubt that it would go well if only because the secret officers would be so silly and pompous that they would easily be spotted.
You mean CRAP don’t you?
Ahh, there's nothing like being judge, jury and executioner, is there Obama.
I call that criminal.
Thanks for the kind words!
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