Free Republic
Browse · Search
General/Chat
Topics · Post Article

Skip to comments.

The Kosher Sutra: Recapturing lost sexual desire
The Jerusalem Post ^ | Jan 8, 2009 | SHMULEY BOTEACH

Posted on 01/08/2009 10:04:41 PM PST by Uncle Miltie

Ten years ago when I published Kosher Sex I realized that it was a book that had no natural constituency. Secular people would think they had nothing to learn from a religious person about sex, and religious people would find it inappropriate for a rabbi to write a book on the subject. And yet, I was not entirely surprised when, after finally finding a publisher, the book became an international best-seller. From counseling couples I knew that sex was no longer making husbands and wives feel close, and a book that described how physical passion can foster emotional intimacy was bound to make an impact.

Fast forward 10 years, and sex in America has deteriorated to its lowest point ever. A third of all married couples are completely platonic. Those who do still have sex average once a week for about seven minutes at a time (and that includes the time he spends begging). The glut of sex in the culture seems to have had the curious effect of killing off our libidos. It's gotten so bad that in a recent study sponsored by Intel this past December nearly one out of two women said they would rather give up sex for two weeks than go without the Internet. What is perhaps even more shocking is that one in three men agreed that they too prefer the Internet to sex.

MY NEW book The Kosher Sutra: Eight Sacred Secrets for Reigniting Desire and Restoring Passion for Life directly addresses this astonishing loss of sexual desire and its devastating consequences for marital bliss. Erotic desire is the single most important ingredient in a male-female relationship.

When a man wants a woman, his desire finds expression in romantic and loving gestures that make her feel special and cherished. When he begins to tire of her, however, his weariness finds expression in callousness. The same is true in reverse. When a wife's feelings for her husband wane, her willingness to be accommodating and responsive diminish accordingly. He becomes a burden. All relationship experts agree that building desire is fundamental, but many make the mistake of believing that becoming more physically attractive is the key to becoming more sexually desirable to each other. They therefore counsel couples to go on a diet, get to the gym and dress more seductively. While this definitely helps, it mistakenly identifies the locus of our sexuality as being in the body rather than the mind.

IN TRUTH, erotic desire springs from eight mental principles, which form the soul of my new book. To prove my point, consider the following scenario. A man goes to the beach and sees women walking around in skimpy bikinis. Is it sexy? Yes. Erotic? Definitely not. Don't believe me? Then why is that most men either throw a Frisbee around at the beach or fall asleep. Is the beach so erotic that it makes them feel tired?

But now imagine the same man walking home at night and looking into the bedroom of a woman who accidentally leaves the blinds open and is walking around in her undergarments. Now, is the first thought that enters his mind, "Hey, anyone got a Frisbee?" But why is the bedroom scene so much more erotic? The man is seeing the same amount of exposed flesh which he did at the beach, with the same amount of clothing. The difference, of course, is that here she is wearing intimate apparel. He is peering into her forbidden inner sanctum. He is seeing something he's not supposed to see. It's sinful and the verboten is deeply erotic. Which immediately poses a major problem for marriage which is all too legal. Sex with your wife? Not only are you allowed to, heck, you're obligated to.

It doesn't push the boundaries, it doesn't break any rules. And since the passion is so limited and contained, it undermines the second mental principle of erotic desire, namely, reckless abandon. That's where you experience something so thrilling, so electrifying and so overpowering that you cannot help but submit to it completely. But the daily grind and responsibilities of marriage scarcely allows for the loss of any control. The same is true of the third erotic principle, unquenchable yearning. Plato rightly pointed out that only the frustration of desire guarantees that it will be prolonged. That's why he argued for unconsummated, Platonic relationships. But how can marriage, with its near-constant sexual availability, enhance rather than undermine desire?

What we're really saying is this. What destroyed Western sexuality is it's utter lack of mystery and its goal-orientation. Real attraction is all about building tension and stoking the fires of lust. It's where the object of one's desire is cordoned off by erotic obstacles that need to be surmounted. But how can thrive in a culture which is designed for instant gratification that leaves no urge unsatisfied. Hungry? Pick up the phone and a pizza is delivered in 30 minutes. Feeling nervous or anxious? Pop a valium and you're inner calm is restored. Our culture is designed to quash every pang and scratch every itch.

But nowhere is this truer than with sexual lust which Western culture treats as a biological urge that requires instant satiation. We get rid of the urge by indulging the craving. This explains the popularity of porn which promises thousands of willing women at all hours of the day and night to cater to a man's every desire. Little do these men who indulge the urge understand, however, that they have no pent-up erotic energy left to shower on their wives, dissipated as it has become in their pathetic porn pursuits.

IN A strange sort of way, Americans have sex in order not to want to have sex. It's not radically different tothan dinner. We eat in order to stop feeling hungry. Likewise, we use sex to anesthetize its craving. As a solution, The Kosher Sutra offers an Eastern, Tantra and kabbalistically-inspired, means-oriented sexuality which designed to increase rather than dissipate desire. Notice how many of the Jewish laws of marriage serve precisely to frustrate, rather than cater to, instant sexual gratification. A woman is sexually forbidden to her husband for a period of days each month, thereby rendering her forbidden and sexual relations with her sinful.

Modest dress, even in the bedroom, forces husbands to become peeping toms reminiscent of the scenario I described above. And the obligation for a husband to sexually satisfy his wife before himself creates an erotic encounter whose purpose it is not to afford him personal climax but to fan the flames of lust precisely by not granting him release. Sex without climax. It's a radical idea, especially when it's practiced over a period of days. But man, when you master its discipline, it's "damn the torpedoes and full steam ahead."

The Jewish people are known as Israel which translates literally as he who wrestles with God. Friction, tension, and struggle are at the very heart of the Jewish experience, which is the principal reason for Jewish creativity and resilience and accounts for why Judaism, alone among the religions of the world, deeply endorses the passionate sexual interaction between man and woman. For what is lust other than the unresolved tension resulting from the constant friction of the masculine and feminine, leaving both feeling electrified and alive.

The Kosher Sutra: Eight Sacred Secrets for Reigniting Desire and Restoring Passion for Life was published by HarperOne on January 6. www.shmuley.com


TOPICS: Books/Literature; Society
KEYWORDS: sex
Well, then. Comments away!
1 posted on 01/08/2009 10:04:42 PM PST by Uncle Miltie
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | View Replies]

To: Uncle Miltie

This guy gets it.


2 posted on 01/08/2009 10:16:25 PM PST by Lorianne
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Lorianne

Isn’t Dennis Prager Jewish?

He needs a chat with the Rabbi, LOL


3 posted on 01/08/2009 10:18:29 PM PST by Canticle_of_Deborah
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 2 | View Replies]

To: Canticle_of_Deborah

You’re not kidding.


4 posted on 01/08/2009 10:20:43 PM PST by Lorianne
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 3 | View Replies]

To: Uncle Miltie

Good points.


5 posted on 01/08/2009 10:24:24 PM PST by spetznaz (Nuclear-tipped Ballistic Missiles: The Ultimate Phallic Symbol)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Uncle Miltie
A Chabad rabbi writing about sex? Don't be shocked. Even holy people have sex lives and if you've no doubt noticed - Orthodox Jews have large families. :)

"Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached." - Manuel II Palelologus

6 posted on 01/08/2009 10:32:44 PM PST by goldstategop (In Memory Of A Dearly Beloved Friend Who Lives In My Heart Forever)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Uncle Miltie
It's gotten so bad that in a recent study sponsored by Intel this past December nearly one out of two women said they would rather give up sex for two weeks than go without the Internet.

Well. Let me just say I am NOT one of them. LOL.

7 posted on 01/08/2009 11:00:43 PM PST by GOP Poet
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Uncle Miltie

Interesting stuff by the way. Thank you for posting.


8 posted on 01/08/2009 11:03:02 PM PST by GOP Poet
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Uncle Miltie

Oy vey-agra! ;)


9 posted on 01/08/2009 11:11:56 PM PST by anymouse (God didn't write this sitcom we call life, he's just the critic.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Canticle_of_Deborah

The author of this piece has been on Dennis’ show several times.


10 posted on 01/08/2009 11:15:32 PM PST by Cymbaline (I repeat myself when under stress I repeat myself when under stress I repeat myself when under stres)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 3 | View Replies]

To: Uncle Miltie
The Kosher Sutra: Recapturing lost sexual desire
George:  "Well, I'm also an architect. Is that pastrami?"
Vivian:  "Yes it is. I find the pastrami to be the most sensual of all the salted cured meats. Hungry? "
George:  "Very."

11 posted on 01/09/2009 12:22:29 AM PST by snarks_when_bored
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: GOP Poet

*shrug* Depends on the guy.....


12 posted on 01/09/2009 1:04:03 AM PST by Hi Heels (Now here at the Rock we have two rules. Rule #1 obey all rules. Rule #2 no writing on the walls...)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 7 | View Replies]

To: Uncle Miltie

Not exactly news.


13 posted on 01/09/2009 1:26:29 AM PST by XR7
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: XR7
I enjoyed reading this article and your're right, it isn't news.
If more people were aware of The art of Lovemaking, there would be less divorces.
What I found startling was, one out of two women and one in three men, would rather give up sex than go without the Internet.
I do believe couples stay together for three reasons; guilt, money and the kids.
Not very romantic reasons for binding ones love and doesn't paint a pretty picture for an evening of eros.
Personally, I would toss the computer out the window, in a New York minute, if it started coming between me and the bedroom.

14 posted on 01/09/2009 3:33:32 AM PST by SouthDixie (We are but angels with one wing, it takes two to fly.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 13 | View Replies]

To: Uncle Miltie

Horniness is silly and unsexy granny-style night gowns are good. Ok.


15 posted on 01/09/2009 3:37:36 AM PST by Impy (RED=COMMUNIST, NOT REPUBLICAN)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Impy

If you can read all of this article, who needs the book?


16 posted on 01/09/2009 3:45:45 AM PST by svxdave (Life is too short to wear a fake Rolex.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 15 | View Replies]

To: svxdave

Well you don’t need these kinds of books just it google and I’m sure you’ll find tons of free articles about it, their writers and publishers just “need” your money. ;)


17 posted on 01/09/2009 3:49:20 AM PST by Impy (RED=COMMUNIST, NOT REPUBLICAN)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 16 | View Replies]

To: Uncle Miltie

Or, as Groucho Marx once said “are you married, or are you happy?” LOL


18 posted on 01/09/2009 3:57:20 AM PST by mkjessup ("An empty limousine pulled up in front of the White House, and Barack Hussein Obama got out")
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.

Free Republic
Browse · Search
General/Chat
Topics · Post Article

FreeRepublic, LLC, PO BOX 9771, FRESNO, CA 93794
FreeRepublic.com is powered by software copyright 2000-2008 John Robinson