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There is no such thing as evolution, Chuck Norris decided which species can live or die.

Chuck Norris grinds the coffee beans with his teeth and boils the water with his rage.

Chuck's tears cure cancer.

When Chuck Norris thinks of an abstract concept, it becomes concrete.

Chuck Norris *can* divide by zero.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be milliseconds from a roundhouse kick to the head.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books: he stares them down until they yield the information he wants.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wise men, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the $!@% out of little kids.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris Donates blood he declines the needle and requests a gun and a bucket.

If you have a dream about shooting Chuck Norris, you better wake up and apologize.

Of course the Universe is expanding, it's trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't pluck up the courage to tell him.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Chuck Norris uses pepper spray as eye drops.

Chuck Norris wasn't born. He punched his way out of the womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris doesn't use spellcheck. If he happens to misspell a word, he changes the actual spelling of it.

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pees.

When Chuck Norris jumps into the water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norrised.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

When a tsunami happens, it.s because Chuck Norris has been swimming laps in the ocean.

Chuck Norris clips his toenails with a chain saw. But he holds it backwards.

Chuck Norris's belly button is actually a power outlet.

Camels have a hump because Chuck Norris needed a place to store his kills.

Chuck Norris has a beautiful singing voice. Unfortunately, the sound of it would melt the average human brain.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris blows out his candles by blinking.

Chuck Norris uses staples as hair gel.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

In 1994, a single ballot cast by Chuck Norris resulted in the GOP gaining 54 seats in the House and eight in the Senate.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.