Skip to comments.World History - As it Really Happened (ROTFLMAO)
Posted on 11/09/2006 2:35:28 PM PST by VA Voter
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, home interior designers, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to actually work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers. And to more liberals just to piss them off.
This is a keeper.
But, I don't eat meat.........
I have never had any doubt that that was the way it is.
Ever seen a conservative vegetarian? It's not possible. Every vegetarian "male" I know is limp-wristed; can't get his voice above a whisper; is skinny and frail; is losing his hair; and flinches when anything louder than a cap gun noise goes off near him.
"But, I don't eat meat........."
I bet you grill portebello mushrooms and eat them like steak. That's what I did during my year of going meatless.
Well, that and shellfish.
Sounds about right except for the domestic beer deal. I'm a Beck's man. I don't drink any beer except from a country that will send you to jail if you don't do it right.
Agree. A conservative vegetarian defies all laws of physics. If a conservative is a vegetarian because his "doctor" told him to be, then it is the "doctor" that is a liberal and the conservative needs a new doctor.
Thank God for shellfish! Tried the Portobellos, but decided to pass. At least the cholesterol is down drastically.
I do know a vegan conservative. This is no limp-wristed frail balding wimp. He's British, though.
"Thank God for shellfish! Tried the Portobellos, but decided to pass. At least the cholesterol is down drastically."
The portobellos are great when you rub them in olive oil, some kosher salt and after they are cooked, toss a bit of balsamic on them.
Ok.. enough of the selling of the shroom.
If you can read the print in the New York Times columns though a glass of beer, do NOT DRINK IT.
Olive oil and salt tastes good on everything! Ever try olive oil, garlic, paprika and red pepper on pasta as a change from sauce once in a while. Called al'aglio. I grew up on that stuff.
"Olive oil and salt tastes good on everything! Ever try olive oil, garlic, paprika and red pepper on pasta as a change from sauce once in a while. Called al'aglio. I grew up on that stuff."
Little place in NY's Little Italy called Puglias that makes Al'aglio al dente. I believe it was pronounce Ahl Ya Ool. Delish!!!!
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