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FUNNIEST CHRISTMAS STORY

This article was submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find
out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. The following won first prize.

Christmas with Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they
say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas
morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowing, his poor pantyhose
hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went
in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart.

I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-
rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour
saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would
buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted tobuy a standard,
uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so
I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different
models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry.

I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose
with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank
what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home and giggled
for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest
of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the
hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her
into the dining room, but Granny was relentless.

"Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why
would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the
ambulance saying, "Hang on, Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me
and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by
the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting.
It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at
home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died,
who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a
noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning.
Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and
fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and grandpa
ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to
mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his
pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat
in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later, in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
determine the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had
suffered from a hot ember from the fireplace to the back of her right
thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her
To perfect health.

Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.

I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.