Our 1st Quarter 2006 FReepathon is Underway!

Click here to donate ^ | 01/01/06 | Jim Robinson

[Brad’s Gramma]

Mad Ramblings and Ponderments (Grammie disclaimer...I've NOT read them all...)


What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."

Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."

Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?

Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?

Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?

All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?

Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"

Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."

Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white!

Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddy seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, "And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!" I think not.

[Lady Jag]

THAT'S great!!!!

Those kinds are my favorites.

[Fiddlstix]

I did a search for "jokes, clean" from AskJeeves...

Works for me.....

[Fiddlstix]

G'Nite.
Sleep well.

[Brad’s Gramma]

Please note I did NOT put the word "stupid" in the search!

:)

[Brad’s Gramma]

Talking Dog for Sale


This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me
jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars."

The guy says he'll buy him, but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for $10?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar."

[Lady Jag]

Two bulls, an old one and a young one walking together, reach the top of a hill and spy a herd of cows in the valley.

The young bull says, “Let’s run down and surprise one of those cows!”

The old bull looks down the hill at the cows, glances up at the sky, chews some, peers over at the youngster, out of the corner of his eye. winks and replies, “Let’s walk down and surprise them all!”

[Jim Robinson]

We have incoming:

$100 from New Jersey
$20 from Ohio
$10 from Maine

Thank you New Jersey, Ohio and Maine!!

[Brad’s Gramma]

We have incoming:

$100 from New Jersey
$20 from Ohio
$10 from Maine

Thank you New Jersey, Ohio and Maine!!

[Harmless Teddy Bear]

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."

Mmmm squirrel stew.

Works for me!

[Fiddlstix]

Mmmm squirrel stew.

Squirrel & Dumplins...
Now that's a country meal fit for a man.......

[Poser]

Bump!

Get your money out and send it in.

California vs. Texas during the game... Who donates more?

[Fiddlstix]

Ain't no need to get in a big hurry just yet........

   Q1 2006 Scoreboard -- ranked by total receipts   

Rank	Location	Receipts	Donors/Avg		Freepers/Avg		Monthlies
1	Texas	$1,505.00	19	$79.21	2,548	$0.59	$1,028.00	69
2	California	1,285.00	28	45.89	2,855	0.45	1,487.56	107
3	Australia	550.00	2	275.00	98	5.61
4	New York	445.00	12	37.08	1,115	0.40	503.00	26
5	New Jersey	445.00	10	44.50	590	0.75	205.00	11
6	Illinois	413.41	11	37.58	729	0.57	384.50	24
7	Pennsylvania	390.00	8	48.75	881	0.44	300.00	24
8	Michigan	365.00	7	52.14	620	0.59	160.00	12
9	Virginia	360.00	7	51.43	937	0.38	471.50	24
10	New Hampshire	350.00	4	87.50	167	2.10	10.00	1
11	Massachusetts	308.00	12	25.67	481	0.64	290.00	18
12	Washington	290.00	8	36.25	700	0.41	300.00	18
13	Florida	241.11	8	30.14	1,388	0.17	679.11	45
14	Canada	212.00	4	53.00	355	0.60	5.00	1
15	Oregon	200.00	5	40.00	366	0.55	110.00	9
16	Minnesota	200.00	1	200.00	395	0.51	85.00	7
17	Colorado	195.00	6	32.50	487	0.40	185.00	12
18	Kansas	195.00	5	39.00	256	0.76	80.00	6
19	Tennessee	160.00	3	53.33	510	0.31	68.00	8
20	Maryland	155.00	6	25.83	546	0.28	240.00	14
21	Ohio	150.00	5	30.00	775	0.19	607.25	18
22	Delaware	140.00	3	46.67	44	3.18
23	Alabama	135.00	3	45.00	371	0.36	276.00	17
24	Wisconsin	130.00	4	32.50	403	0.32	183.00	12
25	South Korea	100.00	1	100.00	7	14.29	10.00	1
26	Idaho	100.00	1	100.00	147	0.68	45.00	2
27	Arkansas	100.00	1	100.00	223	0.45	25.00	2
28	Switzerland	100.00	1	100.00	14	7.14
29	Georgia	90.00	3	30.00	770	0.12	290.00	19
30	South Carolina	90.00	3	30.00	313	0.29	118.00	9
31	Arizona	90.00	4	22.50	609	0.15	140.50	12
32	Missouri	75.00	3	25.00	523	0.14	120.00	12
33	Nevada	70.00	2	35.00	177	0.40	50.00	3
34	Hawaii	70.00	2	35.00	90	0.78	20.00	3
35	Wyoming	70.00	2	35.00	44	1.59	30.00	1
36	Mississippi	70.00	3	23.33	176	0.40	117.00	7
37	Maine	60.00	2	30.00	154	0.39	10.00	1
38	Utah	50.00	3	16.67	149	0.34	110.00	5
39	Nebraska	50.00	1	50.00	121	0.41	43.00	4
40	Montana	50.00	1	50.00	70	0.71	333.33	1
41	China	50.00	1	50.00	28	1.79
42	Indiana	45.00	2	22.50	458	0.10	135.00	11
43	West Virginia	40.00	2	20.00	130	0.31	55.00	3
44	Connecticut	25.00	1	25.00	248	0.10	45.00	5
45	Vermont	20.00	1	20.00	50	0.40	66.00	4
46	Germany	20.00	1	20.00	78	0.26
47	Alaska	20.00	1	20.00	125	0.16	65.00	3
48	South Dakota	15.00	1	15.00	58	0.26	35.00	3
49	New Mexico	14.89	1	14.89	148	0.10	40.00	2
50	New Zealand	10.00	1	10.00	53	0.19
51	Oklahoma	10.00	1	10.00	323	0.03	131.00	8
52	North Carolina	10.00	1	10.00	762	0.01	359.00	27
	Norway						10.00	1
	Japan						10.00	1
	United Kingdom						70.00	3
	Iowa						45.00	3
	Kentucky						13.00	3
	Louisiana						90.00	9
	Rhode Island						35.00	2
	Armed Forces - Europe						15.00	1
	Indonesia						20.00	1
Never Never Land		580.00	20	29.00			248.00	19
53 locations total		$10,914.41	248	$44.01	28,843	$0.38	$10,606.75	674

[Brad’s Gramma]

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems. No doubt you have spoken to him.

[Brad’s Gramma]

Gloat, gloat, gloat....is that all you Texans do is gloat?


:)

[Brad’s Gramma]

Deer Tick Warning



I hate it when people forward bogus warnings...but this one is real, and it's important.

So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list:

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday.
I feel so stupid now...

[Brad’s Gramma]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not too bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

[Brad’s Gramma]

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like hell. It races toward the two men, flies right past them, leaps in the air, and jumps right into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

[Brad’s Gramma]

A very gentle Southern lady was driving across a Bridge in North Carolina one day.

As she neared the top of the bridge, she

noticed a young man ready to jump.

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said,

"Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."

He replied,

"Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said,

"Well, think of your wife and children."

He replied,

"I'm not married and I don't have any kids."

She said,

"Well, think of Robert E. Lee."

He replied,

''Who's Robert E. Lee?''

She replied,

''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump."

[Fiddlstix]

Who's gloating? I just made a post. That's all.....