Hollywood is one of the few industries I know where they get to insult the customer and expect to be rewarded.
So...to help them with their research, I am posting the top five things that will get me back to the movies.
1. A real, honest to goodness story with honest to goodness dialogs. Quit writing soap opera plots and trying to disguise them with lots of obscenities, sex and special effects. We just aren't that stupid. Make us laugh because it's something we can relate to, not because somebody said a bad word. And the dialog? Well...leave some things "unexplained." We can sort of read between the lines starting about the age of 12. Remember that.
2. Quit remaking things somebody else did because no matter how bad it was the first time, it will still be better than yours. Quite frankly, remaking old TV shows for the big screen is a sign of some sort of unfulfilled adolescent fantasy. You need to see a shrink for that, not make a movie about it. And this is coming from someone who loves old TV shows. It's just that they speak for themselves and aren't "all about you."
3. Quit wandering around thinking your lives are fascinating. They are not. I know hundreds of real live people that are much more interesting than you. I don't care about your politics, religious beliefs, romances, marriages, children, sexual escapades, childhood traumas, drug rehabilitations or pets. Make the movie, promote it by showing up in pretty clothes and chit chatting about it with Morning Show Hosts. Then go out and do something productive with your life and the exorbitant money you make. And for pete's sake, quit whining about how hard your life is. We just don't believe you.
4. Quit being so depressing. Be groundbreaking and film something in the middle of the day for a change, or maybe daybreak after a good nights sleep, that hasn't been done for years. Toss in a happy ending every now and then. Look for the positive in life and the joy and the redemption, so when we come out of the theater we don't feel worse than we did when we went in. Why should we pay so much money to be assaulted on every level. You insult everything we believe in, take away any glimmer of goodness and then expect us to thank you for the experience. Well, guess again. I don't want to put ice on it.
5. Keep the food police away from the concession stand and lower the prices. Look...we don't eat that salty, buttery stuff every meal. But if I can't leave the theater with my fingers greasy and my arteries clogged, I certainly am not going to pay twelve bucks for a one dollar bucket of popcorn. And it wouldn't hurt you to train those young'uns that patrol the place to sweep up the jujubes. Gluing us to the floor is not a cost effective way to get us to watch more movies.
Ok. Sorry for the length, but that's my list. Who's up next.