Posted on 07/05/2005 5:31:57 AM PDT by Bon mots
Is marriage, as a social institution, doomed? As recently as 50 years ago, it was the norm for people to get married and have children. But now, at least in the west, we are seeing record numbers of people divorcing, leaving marriage until later in life or not getting married at all. In Britain, I was amazed to learn the other day, the proportion of children born outside marriage has shot up from 9 per cent to 42 per cent since 1976. In France, the proportion is 44 per cent, in Sweden, it is 56 per cent and even in the US, with its religious emphasis on family values, it is 35 per cent.
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I suppose we must blame the rise of selfish individualism. People are a lot less willing to sacrifice their independent lifestyle and become part of a couple or family unit than they once were. And if they do marry, the importance they place on their right to a happy life leaves them disinclined to stick around for long once the initial euphoria has worn off.
I wonder, though, if there is another possible explanation: that, frankly, a lot of women do not like men very much, and vice versa? And that, given the choice, a lot of women and men would prefer an adequate supply of casual nookie to a lifelong relationship with a member of the opposite sex?
Choice, after all, is a very recent phenomenon. For most of human history, men and women married not because they particularly liked one another but out of practical necessity: men needed women to cook and clean for them while women needed men to bring home the bacon. It is only in very recent times that women have won legal independence and access to economic self-sufficiency - and only recently, too, that men have been liberated from dependency on women by ready meals and take-away food, automatic washing machines and domestic cleaning services.
During the times of mutual dependency, women were economically, legally and politically subservient to men. This had a number of repercussions. One was that, lacking control over their own lives, women could justifiably hold their husbands responsible for everything, resulting in what men around the world will recognise as the first law of matrimony: "It's all your fault." Second, while men ruled the world, women ruled within the home - often firmly, resulting in the age-old image of the nagging wife and hen-pecked husband. And third, understandably resenting their subjugation outside the home, women took pleasure in characterising their oppressors as selfish, insensitive, lazy, lying, feckless, incompetent scumbags.
Fair enough. But in the last 30 years, relations between men and women have undergone a greater change than at any time in human history. Women have not reached full equality yet, but they are getting close. And now the economic necessity for getting hitched has died out, marriage is on the rocks.
What can be done to save it? My interest in this was provoked by an article I read online last week by Stephanie Coontz, an author of books on American family life. In The Chronicle of Higher Education, she said an important principle was that "husbands have to respond positively to their wives' request for change" - for example, addressing the anomaly that women tend to do the larger share of the housework.
So, husbands have to change. Does this sound familiar? Of course it does, because it is another repetition of the first law of matrimony: "It's all your fault."
I could quibble with Ms Coontz's worries about the uneven split in the male/female workload. In the US, according to the latest time-use survey from the bureau of labour statistics, employed women spend on average an hour a day more than employed men on housework and childcare; but employed men spend an hour a day longer doing paid work. While this may be an imperfect arrangement, it hardly seems a glaring injustice.
But my point is this. Yes, men must change; indeed, they are changing, which is why we hear so much about new men and metrosexuals and divorced fathers fighting for custody of their children. But are women so perfect, or so sanctified by thousands of years of oppression, that they cannot be asked to change even the tiniest bit, too?
If economic necessity is not going to bring and keep men and women together in marriage, then we are going to have to rely on mutual affection and respect. And there is not going to be much of that about as long as women - assisted by television sitcoms and media portrayals in general - carry on stereotyping men as selfish, insensitive, lazy, lying, feckless, incompetent scumbags, even if some of them are.
So, my timorous suggestion is that it is time for women to shrug off the legacy of oppression and consider changing their approach to men and marriage. First, with power comes responsibility, which means it is now all women's fault as much as men's and, hence, the end of the blame and complain game. Second, if women are to share power in the world, men must share power in the home, which means that they get an equal say in important decisions about soft furnishings.
Most of all, it is time for the negative stereotyping to go. I know women will say: "But it's true!" If so, then marriage certainly is doomed.
But whose fault is that? If you treat all men as selfish, insensitive, lazy, lying, feckless, incompetent scumbags, you should not be surprised if that is what they turn out to be.
How many so-called "alpha-males" have the strength and courage to be a father (not a sperm donor, a father) to eight children? My husband does!
I tell my daughters, "No man is perfect, but neither are you, sweetie!" If you find a man who will be honest, loyal, and a good father, you can pretty much work anything else out.
Good for you for paying attention! We could use more "down home thinkin' ," and more "down home livin'," too!
LOL! Pluses: your reward in heaven will be great. 8-)
Well you might be right, I did not make a good choice so perhaps my outlook is tainted. I did have some good Beta male relationships in the past and have one now. Infintely preferable to a bad Alpha anyday. Perhaps my taste will improve with experience.
It might be something along the lines of water seeking its own level.
and you think that is limited to women? are you kidding?
I'm usually assuming they mean personality.
But usually they mean underpants.
Anyhow, my job was to help mom around the house, my brothers (and often mine and mom's) jobs were to help in the fields and on the farm. It was exhausting work. Made even worse because no matter how much we did, it was never enough. I grew up with images of trembling and crying near total collapse at the end of the day, trying to get the last of chores done. With my Dad yelling for her to come do something for him.
Maybe that's why I hate housework so much ;). Maybe that's why I have to watch other people around me to get a clue on what a 'healthy' marriage is, what a 'loving' father is or a 'normal' family.
I also know, through trial and lots of error, that I have the same degree of talent at being married as I do with housekeeping. Some folks can do it, others can't. I just watch and live vicariously through others.
"I dont think they are genetic at all, "
We clearly disagree on this point. And to support your arguement, you'd tell me that testosterone doesn't make a human, regardless of gender, more agressive?
I would grant you that aggression can be socialized. But the real, hard core, I want to beat your brains in at all costs aggression is generally associated with testosterone. Think I'm wrong? Try some. Or, perhaps you have?
If you throw them at the wall and they stick, you definitely need to change them!
The facts speak for themselves, women greatly outnumber men in college, and in nearly all of the grad and professional schools. It is only a matter of time before the old males in higher paid professions all die out and are replaced by younger educated professional women.
As far as men being less liberated, I cant explain it. I have no idea what men are doing these days, since they are not going to college, not going into the military, and so many factories are closing. It is the choice that men are making that males are not enrolling in college, or professional schools.
I am not saying women want this, in fact, most women want men who are better educated than they are, and who make more money than they do, but that will have to change, because in the future based on college enrollments, higher educated and higher paid women will simply vastly outnumber males by so much.
EWWWWW!
Come on you know that is rubbish, feminism promotes no such thing. if you are describing anything it is an extremist viewpoint of feminism. Feminism promotes gender equality, anything over and above that is an extreme perspective which does of course occur in feminist ideology
How about if I run them up a flagpole and see if anyone salutes?
After all, they have many colors in interesting designs, much like a flag.
If you are working hard at household chores and meals with 8 children, I would suggest you might consider delegating some chores.
We have nine. My oldest makes breakfast every morning. All children do a complete cleaning of the house every Saturday morning before they are allowed to do anything else. The four oldest do all the laundry, including sorting, loading the washer, switching loads and folding. My wife just supervises. We have three in diapers still (one is special needs). My oldest changes the special needs, my second changes the two-year old, and my third son changes the baby.)
Nice idea but it usually doesn't work:
(a) She will not notice the flaws.
(b) Even if she senses some flaws, she will anticipate he can (and will) "change".
(c) If anyone disparages him, it will drive her even faster to him.
It doesnt matter how much testosterone you have, if you dont have a college, law school, or medical degree - you still wont make as much money. Uneducated males with lots of testosterone will still be able to get jobs digging ditches to work off all that testosterone, but their paychecks will be lots smaller than women with advanced degrees and who are in management.
Long as you warn those standing downwind it should be okay.
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