Ben Stein: Scared at 60

The American Spectator ^ | 3/1/2005 | Ben Stein

[Former Military Chick]

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Scared at 60

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Published 3/1/2005 12:05:38 AM

THURSDAY Der Tag. It is my 60th birthday. It is also Thanksgiving. It is a beautiful, sunny, clear but cool day. The plan here is to have lunch at the California Yacht Club out at Marina del Rey. This will serve to celebrate my birthday as well as Thanksgiving. We are going in two cars: my 2001 Cadillac DeVille DTS and Tommy's powerful Subaru WRX. Wifey and I are in the Caddy and Tommy and his pals Boris and Vlad are in the WRX. You know how crazy I am, so the following little drama will probably come as no surprise to you. Tommy yelled at me that he wanted to race along Olympic Boulevard west of Barrington, where the road was wide and deserted. I said it was fine, and we peeled out. I won by the next block. I should say, to be accurate, that Tommy's car did not make a peeling noise because it has four-wheel drive. Mine made a peeling noise. My wife was telling me I was insane. Tommy wanted to race again. We did. Again, I peeled, and he didnÃ-t. This time he got way ahead of me. Alas, moments later a police cruiser appeared behind him with its lights flashing. The car pulled Tommy over and I followed them. But the police, staring at me intently, motioned to me to stay in my car. They then went over to Tommy. Then they came to me. "We're just giving him a warning, because we know who you are and we like you," said a policeman. "But you should talk to your son. He refuses to admit he did anything wrong." "Well, it's really my husband's fault," my wife said helpfully. "He's 60 years old and he should know better." The policeman shrugged and went off. Tommy was furious. He blamed me. He was sure I had somehow set it up. I tried to point out to him that it was because of me that he didn't get a ticket. He was furious anyway and very rude at dinner. Well, so much for my one and only 60th birthday dinner (or lunch). It was a sullen, anger-charged affair. I wish some drug company would invent a med that counters the effects of teenage years, just as they have drugs that counter manic depression or PMS feelings. Maybe that's in the offing. However, then Tommy went out with his pals and seemed a lot more cheerful later. I had a late supper with a friend from Fox News, and the day was not wrecked. But a pattern is developing with Tommy that is worrisome. More about it soon. In any event, I refuse to let Tommy occupy all of the space in my head. What's more, I try to work with systems and to learn lessons and here are a few I have learned as of my 60th birthday: 1. I am unbelievably lucky: a. To be an American; b. To have my wife, the world's finest human; c. To have never been severely or at least life-threateningly ill; d. To have never been in combat; e. To have had loving, caring, prosperous parents; f. To have an interesting, well-paid career; g. To have great friends, a great sister, nephew, niece, cousins, and above all, son; h. Above all, to have learned to love and worship a God of love and understanding. 2. Compared with the huge problems that most people face, I have almost no problems at all. 3. I am a supremely lucky person, but what happens to me is not terribly important, to put it mildly. 4. Almost any "problem" I have can be dealt with by rest, reflection, and conversation with someone who cares about me, usually my shrink, the genius Paul Hyman. 5. There is no medication on this earth as potent in curing my ills as the simple prayer, "Thy will be done." 6. There have probably been about 15 billion people on this earth since the dawn of man, and I am among the most fortunate few hundred thousand, and all of that is an unearned gift of God. 7. Modest application of self-discipline in the area of study, work, and saving yields stupendous returns over time. 8. The amount the government can do to affect my happiness in a free society is tiny. 9. I am blessed beyond measure to be protected by the brave men and women of this country's armed forces and nothing I can do can adequately repay them, but they have my total gratitude and what little acts I can do. 10. The whole purpose of my life on this earth is to do what I think God wants me to do, which is mainly to love and care for my fellow man and woman. 11. Dogs and cats are my best friends and they are a special gift from the Almighty. 12. I make a great many mistakes and always will, and to expect myself not to make them is pure folly. Anyway, that is a very short version of what I have learned. SATURDAY Notice I talk a good talk. And in many aspects of my life, I walk a halfway decent walk. But in my life with my son, I am a stone fool. Last night, Tommy very charmingly sidled up to me as I was reading the Wall Street Journal at our home in Beverly Hills. He said he wanted to know if he and a couple of his friends could drive out to the house in Malibu. "Will you be really, really neat and not do anything dangerous?" I asked him. "Of course," he said. "Will you swear to not start a fire or do anything that could endanger our house?" I asked him. "Of course," he said. "And will you leave the house as neat as you found it, recalling at all times that it's your house, too?" "Of course," he said. "I guess so," I answered. "But stay in touch with me by phone all through the night." Okay. By one a.m., I had gotten calls from three of his friends wanting to know how to meet him there. One of them was bringing a girl. I tried to reach Tommy to tell him to come home right away. No answer on the house phone. No answer on the cell. I was HYSTERICAL. But I also did not feel very well and did not want to make the one hour trek out there in the middle of the night. So, I tried to sleep and did sleep off and on through the night. I had visions of the house -- which I love like mad -- going up in a wild conflagration, lost to me forever. I could feel my blood pressure going into stroke and heart attack territory. But I finally fell asleep and next thing I knew, I could hear Tommy coming home. That was at about 11 in the morning. "Did you burn down the house?" "No, it's all fine," he said. "Did you make a mess?" "No, it's all fine," he said and then fell asleep. Obviously he had been up all night. Well, that is my own insanity, allowing him to go out there by himself. Anyway, no calls from the Fire Department so I guess it's cool. Later in the afternoon -- this afternoon -- I drove out to Malibu with a creepy ESP feeling. Sure enough, the house was a mess. Dirty dishes in the sink with uneaten food on them. Singed newspapers outside the fireplace. That's right. OUTSIDE the fireplace, proving that my fears of a fire were well founded. The beds all unmade and messy. Keys missing. Tons of food missing. Well, the food is fine. It's for eating after all. But as I, who make the family's living and whose health is never great, went about the house cleaning, I called Tommy to ask how he could have made such a mess. He was surly and refused even the slightest admission of responsibility or apology. Now, here's the point I was promising to get to. It is one of the basic building blocks of human development to admit one's mistakes and to clean up after oneself. This is something so fundamental that if it's missing, the human never progresses past childhood. Probably, most of the fault for the Malibu house incident lies with me or mostly me. It was idiotic to think that any 17 year old, and especially Tommy, would behave responsibly in a beach house without his father or mother there. (One adult was there, but he was a pal of Tommy's barely 20, and he obviously did little to help.) So, I claim the lion's share of the guilt. But how I wish Tommy could step up to the plate and admit some responsibility. I had a roommate in freshman and senior year of Columbia who simply could not ever clean up after himself or accept any responsibility. He's almost 60 now, and still a huge -- although likable -- baby. John Gregory Dunne, a true genius who died far too young this year, said in one of his great books, "Having kids is not a day at the beach." How right he was. (He also said, "You often see beautiful young women with much older men, but never with much older poor men." I live by these words of wisdom. John had a great deal of wisdom and he is missed desperately.) Wow, it is hard to be a parent. At least for me. TUESDAY A stunning lunch at Morton's with a beautiful, highly capable woman correspondent for CBS's 60 Minutes. Her name is Lara Logan. She's a South African who started covering the apartheid struggle as a teenager and worked her way to being a CBS correspondent in Iraq and then for a year in Afghanistan. She is phenomenally smart and brave. Recently in Afghanistan her Humvee hit a mine and she was thrown into the air almost 20 feet. She landed on her face, bleeding like crazy, and nevertheless reported on TV very soon thereafter with blood coming out of her mouth. I met her last night when she and I were both guests on CBS's The Late, Late Show and invited her to lunch. Wifey and Phil DeMuth came along. Lara talked nonstop about how bad things are in Afghanistan, how disorganized the U.S. effort is, how undermanned we are there, and how Rumsfeld (according to her) has a plan to sell out Hamid Karzai and the whole democratic movement there. She also talked at length about how unreliable the Pakistanis are and how we can't trust anyone there. She regaled us with tales of the thousands of young Afghans and Pakistanis at the madrassas getting filled with hate and fiction about the U.S. She had nothing but the highest praise for the U.S. fighting man and woman, but she said the State Department endlessly betrays them. But that was positively upbeat compared to her assessment of the situation in Iraq, which she sees as basically hopeless. The terrorists are out of control and getting more so. "I'm passionate about fighting these people," she said (referring to the terrorists and "militants"), "because I don't want my kids growing up wearing burkhas." "You live in London," I said. "There's not much danger of that there, is there?" "There are millions of Moslems in Britain," she said. "They want to take over and impose sharia there." "But that's impossible," I said. "I don't know," she said. "You cannot believe the inroads the militants are making in South Africa. There are so many Moslem women in Durban now covered head to toe except for their eyes. All around the east coast of Africa there are forests of mosques. These people are on the move." It all terrified me. I want to be in Sandpoint. I want to be in Priest Lake. I want to be among the hearty, happy people of the great inland Northwest. I hope Mr. Bush takes this seriously. If we are fighting a global war to protect free society, it wonÃ-t be won by tax cuts. If it's war, we need to mobilize for war. It's a choice between a society based on love and a society based on fear and repression. We've got to get our act together. We need to take it all a lot more seriously. I am scared. Of course, I am always scared, but now I'm really scared. I don't want to be beheaded. I don't get it. How did all this bad stuff come along a few years after we were in "The Golden Age" under Clinton? What happened to "The End of History"? Mr. Bush, you are far more of a wartime president than you may realize. We finished our lunch (I had fresh tuna) and I got into my Cadillac and drove home to sit by my swimming pool in the sun under a palm tree with my dogs sniffing around the flagstone decking. How long can such a great life last? Is it later than I dare think? I'll say it again, I am scared. Ben Stein is a writer, actor, economist, and lawyer in Beverly Hills and Malibu. His Diary runs every month in the The American Spectator. These excerpts are taken from our February issue.

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[JimRed]

Good heavens, I'm older than Ben Stein!

:^(

I just assumed he was well into his 60's.

[MinuteGal]

I didn't judge the kid (17 yrs.old) by this one incident, as you imply. I referenced the many years a lot of us read and loved Ben's articles in the Spectator. By necessity, we also had to follow ad nauseaum the various adventures Ben experienced with the redoubtable Tommy.

There was actually more than one "incident' in this article, and neither reflected well on the son, nor were they just teen pranks. They were calculated misbehavior.

A great conservative, a good writer, a multi-talented, gentle man, Ben appears also to be a life-long neurotic in the sense he tries to do everything right and even when he does, he worries to death about it.

I think he tried to be a perfect dad, breadwinner and chum to his son, agonizing over every detail in the growing-up process and in the end, he over-achieved to the point the kid is rebelling.

Relax, Ben.....quite analyzing, doting and hovering over Tommy. And for gosh sakes, quit writing all these never-ending details of his and your personal lives which appear unduly entwined due to your doting.

Maybe at his age now, Tommy is tired of being forced to read in the media fish bowl all the personal details and warts of his life.

How many of us would like a situation like this?

Ben should recomment the kid join the Marines next year.

Leni

[miss marmelstein]

I once heard Ben Stein call Tommy "a god" on some tv show years ago. Right then I thought the kid was headed for trouble. Then we got the stories of his video addiction, his years at some military academy, his father buying him some expensive car so that Tommy would like him, and now? He drag races with the kid on an "empty" street!

I can only thank God my parents never treated me like their little goddess - or their best friend.

[Former Military Chick]

I certainly did not mean to imply that, I had noted that many have followed his writings, that included events with his family.

I wonder how many of us would write about our children. I suspect not many. Either to not embarrass the parents or knowing they have to live with the kids they write about.

I think you offer some excellent observations that not only would be helpful to Ben but to others, thank you.

[Hank Rearden]

Looks like he's doing the typical Hollywood-lousy job of raising a spoiled Mr. Precious, who is in obvious need of a swift kick in the ass.

Sorry Ben, you blew it with your snotty kid.

[ValerieUSA]

I think this article is bizarre.
Seems like a lot of boasting about his affluence and privilege.
Seems like his head was turned by an attractive reporterette/propagandist.
Seems like he is accepting his worries about his son as a substitute for parental discipline.
Seems like he is tempting fate to crash down upon him -- possibly as attonement for his great American wealth guilt.

[international american]

Please add me to the BS ping list. Thanks.

[international american]

Is there an e mail for Stein? I would like to give him a bit of advice, as his son is spoiled rotten!

[Sarah]

I am happy to have your interest to expand my thoughts:
I, unlike you, do have children. Ranging from 21 to 4 years old. I've not been a perfect mother, and have made mistakes. One of the biggest mistakes a parent makes is not having boundries. Real boundries. Boundries that the parent makes clear are not to be crossed.
Although I've always enjoyed Ben Stein's columns there have always been two things I dislike.
One, although praising his wife from here to high heaven, he is often praising the beauty, grace, etc of other women with whom he works, lunches, etc. This is no big deal if it isn't to his wife, but it's always been a 'turn-off' to me.
Two, is his immature..., approval needing ..., reluctance to be a father to his son. Who, he never holds back, has become an out-of-control spoiled brat.
Did it ever occur to you that there may have been other people (not famous people) on the road who he and his son could have killed? Who does he think is going to educate his son if he himself is not willing to put in the hard work needed to raise a moral, gratification-postponing, unselfish, thankful, responsable young man?
He honestly writes of his spineless fathering techniques and therefore I honestly, although in a curt manner, offered a small bit of advice:
IF YOUR SON TRASHED YOUR HOUSE WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU TEACHING HIM BY CLEANING IT YOURSELF??
This is a train wreck waiting to happen
Best Wishes,
Sarah

[Euro-American Scum]

Now, here's the point I was promising to get to. It is one of the basic building blocks of human development to admit one's mistakes and to clean up after oneself. . . It was idiotic to think that any 17 year old, and especially Tommy, would behave responsibly in a beach house without his father or mother there.

I wonder if a tour in the Marine Corps might not help in this regard. But then, considering what a deadbeat this kid is, probably not.

[Sarah]

I appreciated your honest answer to militarychick, ditto as they say.

[Sarah]

'It was idiotic to think that any 17 year old, and especially Tommy, would behave responsibly in a beach house without his father or mother there.....'

Which he then multiplied by cleaning it himself!

I agree, when a son is this age and this spoiled, (and especially with the father refusing to do the heavy lifting of parental authority), I don't see any other alternative than the marines.

[Sarah]

see my recent post

[Cuttnhorse]

I used to read Stein all the time and mostly like him, except when he goes on and on about his brat kid Tommy. I'd like to grab Ben by the collar and shake the crap out of him and ask him if he has any idea of the monster he is creating? Geez, that kid needs a swift kick in the fanny.

[international american]

Amen to that! The kid is probably a good student, so Stein cuts him way too much slack. Being a good student is one thing; being a quintessential a hole is quite another : )

[jocon307]

Thanks Sarah. I actually spent her last birthday fighting and fighting with her, such a donnybrook, until she saw what she'd been doing wrong since home from the 1st semester of college. Came home with a big "i'm all grown up now you're not the boss of me" chip on her shoulder, it was awful. I'm hoping that performance won't be repeated this summer.

Can't imagine going throught this with 4 (four!) of 'em. You've got my admiration, that's for sure.

[Bernard Marx]

Not that I know of. I've observed Stein over a long period. It's hard to find fault with much of his political/economic opinion, but he seems to live his own life pretty much along the lines of most Beverly Hills/Malibu liberal elitists. The stories he used to tell about Tommy browbeating him into all sorts of terrible parenting caused me to be more aware of his double-standards.

He's a wonderful, warm writer and it's hard to take issue with him directly on most fronts. But his tales about buying Tommy his own boat and other misadventures in Idaho and other horror stories about indulging the kid to near pathological levels started me wondering. I was more disillusioned when he interviewed Mark Fuhrman in Idaho and seemed aghast to discover that Fuhrman was the kind of guy who did his own engine tune-ups and other "redneck" (my term) work.

The final straw came with "Win Ben Stein's Money" on TV which featured foul-mouthed Jimmy Kimmel as emcee. There seemed to be no level of toilet "humor" or politically correct stereotype that Ben found offensive. I eventually was unable to watch the show -- and I'm definitely not a prude. I doubt Stein would be willing to consdider any outside advice about his parenting no matter how well intended. In some respects I think Stein's a total hypocrite.

[Euro-American Scum]

I agree, when a son is this age and this spoiled, (and especially with the father refusing to do the heavy lifting of parental authority), I don't see any other alternative than the marines.

The kid may be too far gone even for that. The Corps can do a lot to mold boys into men, but they've got to have something to work with.

Sounds like this kid is a lost cause.

[Cuttnhorse]

Actually, as I recall from Stein's earlier American Spectator articles, the kid is not a good student. Stein often mentioned how he had to beg and badger the kid into doing his homework and working at getting good grades. Stein mentioned many times about how the brat would spend hours playing his video games, (eagerly purchased by dad).

The old standby, "he's really smart but just won't apply himself" seems to be the nominal excuse.

[Cuttnhorse]

Being a good student is one thing; being a quintessential a hole is quite another : )

Exactly...this behavior is learned, and rewarded by his dad. Man, I can only imagine the misery I would have been in if I pulled a stunt like the messy house deal.