I hear ya. Nothing worse than someone who keeps it all in, racking up points and then nailing you later. Once they know your weakness, your fears, your Achilles heel, then they have you.
Some of the most brutal, vicious and damaging verbal attacks I have ever heard were from males.
Great thing for me though is now that I have figured it out, about him AND myself, it has made healing the rifts between us easier, and we are more adept at having 'heated discussions' rather than pitching fits, and we don't let each other fall into the bad habits of before. It's definitely not easy, but I'd much rather deal with things this way than the way his mother does things, which is to sit and stew and ask everyone for advice then go out fo her way not to follow it, all the while wondering why the hell she is so miserable. I've also had to put a GREAT deal of distance between one of his cousins and myself (she used to be a 'close' friend) because of remarks that were meant to one-upmanship us and demean us. Once I did that, I found my conscience clearer.