Hmmm ..... are you saying Kirk may suffer from ....
Ogilvie syndrome, or acute colonic pseudo-obstruction (ACPO), is a clinical disorder with the signs, symptoms, and radiographic appearance of an acute large bowel obstruction with no evidence of distal colonic obstruction. The colon may become massively dilated; if not decompressed, the patient risks perforation, peritonitis, and death.
It's a good thing I eat my Cheerios dry, or you'd be paying for a new laptop now, buddy.