Abominable snow sissie

Ottawa Sun ^ | January 7, 2005 | Earl McRae

[Clive]

So I'm driving along Carling Ave. in what uniquely makes Ottawa winters Ottawa winters. The God-Forsaken Snowstorm.

And mine eyes behold the coming of the idiot sliding and swerving through the red light at the intersection, nearly getting himself whacked, because he thinks he's driving in a tropical paradise, and I want to yell:

"Bonehead. When the hell is it going to dawn on you? This is Ottawa. This is winter. We get snow. We get ice. We get whiteouts. Lots and lots of snow and ice and whiteouts and you'll be the first one screaming about not enough salt on the roads, not enough sand, not enough plowing, ohmigod, people are gonna crash, people are gonna get killed, people are gonna slip and fall and break their necks, people are gonna disappear in snowbanks and freeze to death."

Sissies.

That's what Ottawans have become. Winter sissypants who mewl and whine and fret and tremble in fear every time Ottawa gets royally clobbered with what Ottawa is supposed to get royally clobbered with in the winter and comes with what once meant being an Ottawan -- The God-Forsaken Snowstorm.

To you I say: SUCK IT UP and SHADDUP.

If you're slippin' and slidin' all over the roads, if you're nailing fences and poles and other vehicles, if you're banging up your bodies, if you're doing somersaults on the sidewalks, I have NO sympathy for you; it's about time you learned what it is to be an Ottawan in the winter, it's about time you developed a spine, it's about time you took the city's God-Forsaken Snowstorms for granted and shut up and COPE.

Being an Ottawan in the winter is to not have a brain in your head. It's not knowing the Ottawan way to drive sensibly. It's not knowing the Ottawan way to tread deftly on sidewalks without the need of sand or salt or spiked boots. It's not knowing the Ottawan way to REJOICE over the big white dump rather than lamenting it.

The God-Forsaken Snowstorm is NOT a news story in Ottawa in the winter.

A news story in Ottawa in the winter would be Hawaii entering town.

Like I said: Sissypants.

Talking of pants, you've now got Ottawans in the winter driving vehicles with heat coming up through the seat and through their pants and underwear and warming their asses. It's enough to make me embarrassed to be an Ottawan.

These seats must have been invented by Bermudans. The Ottawan birthright is to have a proud frozen ass in the winter.

What's next? Heated steering wheels? Heated floor pedals? Heated door handles? Yeah, I'll swerve off the icy road, I'll drive like a senseless moron, I'll die, but, by geezus, I'll die with a lovely heated ass.

Next thing you know, Ottawan winter sissypants will be demanding: HEATED ROADS. Don't snicker, the technology exists. Japan has some of them. The city of Sapporo has heated roads and sidewalks to melt the snow away. Heated roads would save hugely on snowplows, snow-removal employees, salt, sand, road repair, vehicle repairs, vehicle insurance, and lives.

Dale Philpotts is director of surface (that's roads) operations for the city of Ottawa, and says: "It'd be very expensive to do. The biggest cost for us is trucks and haulage. I could maybe see it for priority roads, like, say, Wellington St. or in the market area where there's heavy vehicle and pedestrian traffic, or at main intersections. Sidewalks would be more of a benefit than roads."

He chuckles. "But with this December and January, who knows -- maybe its time will come."

With the end of us, indubitably and sorrowfully and shamefully, as Ottawans.

[Clive]

It is amazing how many drivers think that traction is a constitutional right and accordingly drive at the same speed and follow at the same distance in January as they do in August.

Also, some of them have apparently never learned how to recover from a slide.

Or how to start moving on a slippery surface (Spinning your wheels won't work, dummy.)

[ovrtaxt]

Good morning from florida! It's 65.

: )

[Route101]

Thats what happens when you let in so many immigrants from southern balmy climates.........

[Smokin' Joe]

I think they stopped teaching driver's ed about the same time they started teaching how to put condoms on pickles. Had to get the important, life saving stuff in, y'know.

That said, I love the rant, great post!

[Jack of all Trades]

Funny, yesterday while driving up 91 toward Hartford, I wondered how much energy it would take to heat the road to melt the snow. Answer to self: way too much.

IMHO, the author is way too far inside his own head. Complaining about other people complaining and rhetorically advising them to shut up - what a crock. People driving too fast for conditions are a self correcting problem. They'll learn. In the mean time, out of control drivers are not my problem unless they hit ME, but "no sympathy"? Come on.

For me, winter driving is all about managing my space, momentum and friction circle. Having more driven wheels doesn't hurt either. You'll be a safer driver if your focus is on the goal: getting there, rather than trying to divine others intentions and worth while providing "feedback".

[utahguy]

I think this canuk's had a few too many Molsons, cause if he's not already aware of the collective I.Q. in his area . . ..

[Route101]

L.O.L........He's probably sittin around the fire place with nuttin to do...EH?

[raybbr]

People driving too fast for conditions are a self correcting problem.

Actually the people who drive too slow are more of a problem. Doing 20 - 30 mph down a road with a speed limit of 50, for no discernable reason other than fear causes many problems too. If you are that afraid of being on the road - don't be. You would think that people in CT would know how to drive in inclement weather. Most don't. They are the sissies the author talks about.

[GraceCoolidge]

I am always amazed at how many drivers think four wheel drive means they can just speed along on icy roads with no problem. And how many people pride themselves on having anti-lock brakes, four wheel drive, all the other niceties... then drive around on near-bald tires!

[HuntsvilleTxVeteran]

poor babies

Today Jan 07 Scattered T-Storms 59°/47° 60 %
Sat Jan 08 Partly Cloudy 71°/58° 0 %
Sun Jan 09 Cloudy 76°/66° 10 %
Mon Jan 10 Mostly Cloudy 80°/66° 20 %
Tue Jan 11 Few Showers 81°/66° 30 %
Wed Jan 12 Few Showers 79°/56° 30 %
Thu Jan 13 Partly Cloudy 61°/44° 20 %
Fri Jan 14 Partly Cloudy 61°/37° 20 %
Sat Jan 15 Partly Cloudy 56°/36° 0 %
Sun Jan 16 Partly Cloudy 61°/40° 0 %

[LizardQueen]

We have the same thing here in Vermont - the 4WD drivers often seem to think they're immune to the laws of physics.

Like the Ottawa author, I've noticed a marked decrease in the ability to drive in bad weather up here. It's always been more of a problem at the beginning of snow season (practice makes perfect and by spring the ones who haven't gotten killed have gotten better at it) but for the past few years it's been bad all winter.

The worst thing I keep seeing is people NAILING their brakes when they get paranoid, particularly on corners. That's a recipe for disaster. Plus their tires are crap, they're either going like snails or like bats out of hell, they're on their cell phones, etc. It's unreal.

I'm contemplating writing a "remedial guide to driving on snowy and icy roads" and trying to get it published in the paper.

LQ

[Darksheare]

Yes.
Had a guy think that since his vehicle had four wheel drive, that this meant he could continue to do 60 MPH in the snow.
He forgot that all vehicles are equipped with four wheel brakes.


So what does the bonehead do?
He gooses the gas pedal, fishtails, and ends up in my lane head on before regaining control and getting back into his own lane.
I ended up trying to avoid him as he was close and ended up going backwards along the road shoulder.
He slowed down for a second to look to see if I was dead, then took off again like a bat out of hell.

A few days ago, some kid got mad that I wouldn't run a stop sign just because he wanted to do 60 in a 30 zone.
So he tailgated me and passed illegally.
A curve ahead had a four inch deep snowdrift along 300 feet of it's distance.
Kid fishtailed all over the curve and near hit three cars in the oncoming lanes.
He somehow makes it around the curve, and instead of slowing down, the fool speeds up.

Sometimes I wish 'instant karma' would hit these clowns and they'd take themselves out without harming anyone else.

[Damifino]

Florida here! Most of y'all Canadians do drive the same in January as in July. Except in January you drive in miles per hour.

[WestCoastGal]

Must be all those libs who bailed out after "W" won. lol

[Jack of all Trades]

My major concern with people driving too slow is when they're going up hills and likely to get stuck. Depending on the car and the conditions, I like to carry a little extra speed into an uphill to make up for lack of traction.

Slow movers are just another obstacle to be avoided.

[Turbo Pig]

I am always amazed at how many drivers think four wheel drive means they can just speed along on icy roads with no problem.

We've got a winter saying where I live, "Four wheel drive doesn't meen, four wheel stop."