Cooter #18 - Global Test

Trentino's Magazine ^ | 10/8/04 | Cooter Thompson

[Davis]

Dear Senator kerry:

At yesterday's meeting of the Lagniappe Wednesday Club at Daryl's Bait Shop, I and Jack Boudreau and Armen Yazoo were deputized to send you one more letter concerning your campaign. We are asking you to clarify some matters that have struck us as being untidy as an old boot in a pot of crawfish gumbo.

We are still waiting for you personally to take on the task of answering the charges of the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. These are serious matters and they won't go away, leastaways not from the minds of average people like us who are interested in the character of candidates for Dogcatcher or Sanitary Inspector but especially for President of the US of A.

The Swiftees have been moved off the front page of most news sources by events like the Burkett-CBS-Rather forgeries and the Debates. But the guys down to Daryl's are patient—maybe "stubborn" is a better description—and we still want to hear from you about your purple heart adventures, the Cambodian Christmas tale, that mysterious combat V and why you got three separate Silver Star citations for the one medal. We want you to authorize release of your service records, all of them. That's not too much to ask, is it?

Likewise, we ain't much impressed with your teenie-weenie Band of Brothers routine. The Swiftees are a much bigger Band of Brothers and deserve a real answer, not just dissing by your campaign operatives and the Rather-blathers.

Particularly, we want an explanation for your going to Hanoi when we were still at war with the North Vietnamese and our people were still in their prisons. Does your so-called BOLDplanBOLD for Iraq mean you will be traveling to Baghdad to meet with Zarqawi and to Afghanistan to meet with the ghost of Osama bin Ladin? Is that what you mean by "supporting our troops?"

It was the consensus of the Wednesday Club that your insertion of a Global Test to the Constitutional scheme—the President can't defend the country against its enemies without taking it a massive error though we have no idea what this Global Test is.

Originally, when you mentioned it during Debate #1, we thought you meant that we needed the OK of France or Syria or the Maha of Marzipanistan before taking action. This would be a contradiction of your explicit statement that you would not allow other countries to have a veto over this country's actions, but contradictions don't seem to bother you none. We weren't enlightened when you explained to CNN. that by Global Test you meant:

"... the test that I was talking about was a test of legitimacy, not just in the globe, but elsewhere."

Armen Yazoo wants to know whether your Global Test is confined to our galaxy, the Milky Way, or extends to Betelgeuse and beyond.

In Debate #1 you offered a plan to deflect Iran from proceeding with its program to develop nuclear weapons. Your administration, you said, would strike a deal with the mullahs and ayatollahs whereby the US would give them enriched uranium for power plants and they would forgo building bombs. It's a silly idea. Iran doesn't want fuel, it wants bombs, and the day after you proposed it, Iran nixed it.

What do you propose to do now, Senator Kerry, to prevent the Mad Mullahs from building a nuclear arsenal? Are you preparing a Global Test to fit the situation? Are you thinking about sending Terayza to Teheran to convert those scumbags with soft phrases and a tubful of Baked Beans? Are you considering Plan B—dropping a couple of nuclear bombs on their facilities to persuade them?

Please see what you can do to address our concerns. The election is a less than four weeks away, so time is of the essence, as Armen often says.

Sincerely,

Cooter (with the help of J. Boudreau, A. Yazoo, and A. Trentino)

[Max Combined]

I love the way folks in New Orleans use the word Lagniappe.

[Jackknife]

LMAO!