Posted on 07/30/2004 6:22:56 PM PDT by SJackson
A Salute To France
An Ally That's Always Good For A Laugh
Quotes of Note
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."
"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!"
"Going to war without France is like going duck hunting without your accordian"
"The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq."
"French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week and not a minute too soon: the French are acting as advisers to the remaining Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly."
"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house."
"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than against the Nazis?"
"After what they say was an exhaustive investigation, the Defense Minister of France said today that Osama bin Laden is either still in hiding in Afghanistan, he may have escaped to Pakistan, or he may be dead. Hey, France, thanks a lot. We'll take it from here. Hard to believe they were invaded twice." -
Bush Sends Dismantled Statue of Liberty To France Postage Due
Toon Town
Toon 1 Toon 2 Toon 3 Toon 4 Toon 5 Toon 6 Toon 7
Dear Dad,
France -- the only country with reverse gear and backup lights on thier tanks.
Looking for a good, cheap firearm? Buy a French army rifle. They've never been fired and dropped only once.
How many soldiers does it take to defend Paris? Nobody knows, it hasn't been tried yet.
The Complete Military History of France
Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
Let's face it. When it comes to war, France gets rolled more often than a Parisian prostitute with a visible mustache.
Q. Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A. Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender
Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A. The French Army.
Q. Why do we need France on our side against Sadamm and Osama?
A .So the French can show them how to surrender.
What color is the American flag? Red, White, and Blue.
What color is the British flag? Red, White, and Blue.
What color is the French flag? White.
Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, " says the genie.
The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming.
The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France.
The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."
For Sale: Used French Military rifle. Never fired, dropped once
ROTFLMAO!
Sara asks me when we will stop boycotting the French.(She liked their yogurts)
My answer is - probably never.
And their most famous fighting force, the LE, is made up entirely of foreigners.
LOL
France --> perm 5, and a bicycle race.
Hey! The French did win one... Anybody else remember when the French Special Forces beat Greenpeace?
Yup! France vs a bunch of hippie treehuggers. France won.
Mark
Same here...I think I will forever boycott the french. I found replacements for everything..makeup, hair-care, etc. I don't drink french wine or eat french cheese.
The only thing I have not been able to replace is my Chanel #5 perfume. (but I still won't buy any) :)
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