Father's role affects how teens approach relationships

CanWest News Service ^ | February 16, 2004 | DOUG FISCHER

[mtbopfuyn]

There is nothing wrong with cleaning the shotgun when some horny prick is slobbering all over himself to take out a daughter. Heck, if Mr. M isn't in the cleaning mood, I'll clean mine, or better yet have the date-ee clean hers! Nothing wrong in sharpening the cutlery during dinner as I pointedly remind him I have access to the grade book and the power to see he warms the bench on Friday, bahaahaa.

[optimistically_conservative]

Daddy's Ten Rules Of Dating

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk the horn, you'd better be delivering a package - because you're sure not picking anything (or anyone) up!

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loose that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, having sex without using a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex with my daughter, I am the barrier and I am the one who will do the killing.

Rule Five: It is generally understood that in order for us to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only answer I need from you on this subject is "Early".

Rule Six: I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway waiting for my daughter to appear, even if more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful like changing the oil in my car or mowing my lawn?

Rule Eight: The following locations are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places were there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff t-shirts or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks' homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun (see photo above), a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. (Rest easy...you wouldn't be the first!)

Rule Ten: Be afraid, Be very afraid. The voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[Dick Vomer]

huh?

[TheSpottedOwl]

Thanks for the ping. The replies on this thread are hysterical!

I remember when I started dating in high school. The boy had to come into the house and introduce himself to my parents. Unfortunately, my mom would grill them about their religious beliefs. Needless to say, I wasn't asked out again very often.

I'm worried about my 16 yr old son. He's one of those "bad boys" that the girls like :-( He gets embarassed, like his older sisters did, when I discuss the "birds and the bees". Because I know this is too important to skip, I make him listen to me. What caught his attention was when I told him that all it takes is one broken condom. The government then owns your ass. It's called child support and arrearages. Stay away from the girls who give it up too easy. They have emotional problems. Be their friend, but don't hook up with them. I've tried to teach him the fine points of etiquette, but trying to keep him in school takes up most of my time.

[familyofman]

It's almost too obvious that the role of men (fathers) is very important to the emotional development of both young men & women. And yet we have been marginalized almost to the point of extinction over the years. There will be a price to pay, and the piper might even be at the front door as we speak.

[Aquinasfan]

"A majority of teens who reported ... difficulties in their dating life also reported that their fathers weren't there to offer advice or support," says Brian Goonan, a Boston public health psychologist involved in the study.

It doesn't hurt to be reminded of the obvious.

[xsmommy]

you post a pic of xspup and don't ping me ; ) ?

[secret garden]

You have got to be kidding. I spent years in SA and never heard of this type of abuse being passed off as tradition.

[Sergio]

Gotta save these. Gonna need 'em in a few years. shudder

Best Regards

Sergio

[Rubber_Duckie_27]

On our first date (watching a movie at my parents' home), my fiance met my parents. Although my dad didn't give a grilling or clean a shotgun, he did drop a line about my "Uncles Smith and Wesson." My fiance found it hilarious. They hit it off right away.

I wasn't a younger teen, I was 19 at the time - but knowing that my dad approved of him was really important to me.

[RogerFGay]

Read a book? I'm so continuously engaged, serious, intense, absorbed, in what I normally do which involves reading, studying, analyzing, putting out; that the idiot tube is sometimes essential for me to come down. A good intense movie is better. The good thing about Tim and Ray (and I accept their classic clown contribution to sit-coms) is that their shows allowed the back drop to be a more traditional American family rather than trying to give us a morality play based on PC values.

[RogerFGay]

Parenthood: The eternal struggle. Now if we could just stop the government from making it harder in every way they can think of.

[RogerFGay]

Exactly right!

[TheSpottedOwl]

Parenthood: The eternal struggle. Now if we could just stop the government from making it harder in every way they can think of.

Exactly. Now if we could get President Bush to address some of these issues...(not to mention repealing that "No Child Left Behind" garbage)

[Incorrigible]

Application to date my daughter

Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage and medical report from your doctor.

Name:________________________ Nickname/Alias:___________________
Date Of Birth:____/____/____ height:______ Weight:______ I.Q.:______
G.P.A.:________ Soc. Sec.#______-___-_______
Driver's License#____________________
Boy Scout Rank:_____________Good Standing: Yes_____No_____
Home Address:_______________________________
City/State/Zip_____________________________
Home Phone#: (___)___________ Car Phone#:_______________ Pager#:__________
Do you own
a. Van?____
b. Truck with oversized tires?____
c. Car with a trunk full of speakers?_____

Do you have any of the following:
a. An earring_____
b. nose ring______
c. belly button ring_____
or piercings on any other body parts_____
Explain:_____________________________________________________
Tattoo?______

(If you answered YES to any of the above questions, discontinue and leave the premises immediately.)

In 30 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you? ________________________________________________________________

In 30 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you? ________________________________________________________________

Church you attend_____________________ How often______________________
Best time to interview your pastor?_______________________

Fill In The Blank. Please answer freely, all answers will be confidential.
a. If I were beaten, the last bone I want to be broken broken is: ____________________________________________________
b. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me is ____________________________________________________
c. Now answer the question you filled in on B ____________________________________________________

NOTE: If you have answered any of the previous questions dishonestly (and I will find out), discontinue application. It is advised that you leave the premises quickly keeping your head low and running in serpentine fashion.

I swear that all information provided above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, dismemberment, electrocution, and/or hot pokers.

_____________________________
Signature (This means sign your name)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4 - 6 YEARS for processing. If your application is approved, you will be contacted in writing. Please do not call or write, this could cause you unexpected injury.

If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two men wearing white ties and answering to the names GUIDO and LOUIE

[John O]

The other point that they left out is that the absence of a good relationship with one's father is a leading cause of Same-sex Attraction Disorder (homosexual behavior)

[Skooz]

Another girl said that before every date, her father would get out his shotgun and cleaning apparatus and sit in the living room silently oiling his gun - in his undershirt - while the poor schmuck waited inside the front door for her to put on her makeup.

Pretty close to what I have in mind for the little twerps who dare to acknowledge my daughter's existence.