Peer-Attachment Disorder: A Real Or Imagined Problem?

Globe and Mail Online ^ | 31 January 2004 | ALANNA MITCHELL

[shrinkermd]

FYI. This is Peer Attachment Disorder is all the rage in some family therapy circles. I remain skeptical and see Dr. Wittenberg as offering a common sense assessment of the possible problem.

[wizardoz]

I don't suppose that handing them over to Soviet-inspired public schools at the age of 5 (or even younger) has ANYTHING to do with this obsessive attachment to their age-group. No, of course not.

[Servant of the 9]

Two Vancouver specialists have a theory, but grownups won't like it .... They believe the parental bond is being broken, with harrowing results ....

What a crock. Children have always identified with their peers rather than their parents.
In every generation there is a 'costume de jour' that they all wear or aspire to wear.
And they are always surly.

The one difference today is that kids can more often afford to buy the 'costume de jour'.

This is all the result of taking seriously 'social scientists' who have no knowledge of the past and damned little connection to their own childhood.

So9

[Lijahsbubbe]

Not surprising to see that there's peer attachment, when so many families buy into society's push for family detachment.

Must have junior in pre-school by age three, it's good for him and he must get a running start to be successful.

Little girls at age six and seven are allowed to wear make up and midriff baring shirts, their parents wanting to make sure they have the latest in clothing, insuring their popularity.

Then the children are sent (or dumped) off to every activity under the sun, so mom and dad can brag about it.

Parents are not encouraging their children to be children.

[Deb8]

Nothing new here. I believe Anthony Burgess had something to say about this in 1970.

[LaraCroft]

There is a cry in CA for children to go to pre-pre school because 'studies' show that it makes them better students and happier adults.

I though kindergarden was a pre school to get you ready for school. Now they have pre-school to get you ready for kindergarden and now they want pre-pre-school to get you ready for pre-school.

And the stupid parents don't see a correlation with the schools getting money for every child there every day and just blindly assume that they schools are doing what is best for the kids, not just whoring them out to get a few more thousand bucks a week.

It's all the parents fault though. In CA the schools are so liberal and ludicrious that the for years kids have been graduating without learning how to read and everyone just goes tiptoing around the huge teachers union in fear, instead of firing them and hiring people that are actually useful.

Everywhere I look in life now I see areas which the government has screwed things up unbelievably, and we, leming-like still continue to fund them, elect them and let them vote us more bread and circuses.

Private schools are fabulous, and instead of patterning themselves after working models, the schools here are trying to drive them out of business.

[EuroFrog]

My parents had a very good 'cure' for the 'I wanna dress like everyone else does' thing. They told me no. I didnt get the fad clothes, nor the expensive ones. I did get to pick what I got, but all within financial (and my parents idea of visual) reason. Was amazing how that worked. Am doing the same with my kids.

[LA Conservative]

Dr. Spock and the anti-establishment liberal movement of the 60's have sown the seeds for what I also observe to be a grave problem. Parents are afraid to be a firm authority for children. Yet, children crave the structure and discipline that comes from strong parenting, which will also teach them proper social norms.

If children don't receive structure and discipline, they begin to resent their parents and allow their peer groups to determine the social norms for them to live by. Children with weak parents tend to drift and have no firm vision for themselves as members of a community. I see this happening often.

I grew up in a liberal, affluent environment in Los Angeles. My peers' parents were somewhat religiously observant, however, as a result of their hands-off parenting, the importance of religious observance was not taught to be an important part of life. They went to good schools, some have good professions, but their lives are adrift. Many do not marry, or, they may marry outside of the faith. Divorce is more frequent among this population. Their children, if they have them, are taught even less about their religion and the values that accompany religious practice. I'm sure this pattern is repeated among other faiths as well.

I don't see this pattern among more religious peers, however. Additionally, my religious peers are also more politically conservative.

[Triple Word Score]

If my child is sitting minding his own business at the mall, or anywhere, and some adult comes up and starts asking personal questions, I hope he'll have enough sense to refuse to refuse to answer them, too. This reminds me of the articles diagnosing conservatives as mentally ill.

It's called NOT TALKING TO STRANGERS and it's a darn good idea in this day and age.

This article reminds me of the to-do over Elvis. Blah blah blah blah kids got no respect blah blah blah. Find the fringe, generalize about the fringe's behavior, and run in circles panicking about it...ignoring the moderate center that rarely behaves that way and doesn't take it particularly seriously when it does. Sometimes loose pants are just an experiment to be discarded when it turns out not to work too well, a passing phase that will go away sooner if it is ignored as much as possible.

Yes, there's a lot to be concerned about with respect to extreme teen behavior, but most teens are in perfect control of what acting out they choose to do, and if their parents aren't as involved as they ought to be, still, they'll be fine once they're in the real world. My parents weren't on top of me every single minute monitoring my emotional state. Smothering isn't mothering.

As homeschooling expands (real homeschooling, the kind with a curriculum and time spent on studies, not merely keeping kids home from publik skool) we'll find a healthy broadening in the teen behavior curve, especially since those who are properly homeschooled will be more successful in life than those who aren't.

[netmilsmom]

Do you have kids?

[jobim]

Ah, yes. Parents were enjoying themselves at the local milkbar while the little droogies were out for either a malenky tolchock or a bit of the old in-out.

[sarasmom]

I am an adult, and I avoid surveyers and reporters at the mall!
When I was a teenager, I avoided adults.
LOL!

[Servant of the 9]

Do you have kids?

Yes, one, now grown.

So9

[DustyMoment]

"They contend that the current generation of parents has pretty much lost its authority over children, either through negligence or indulgence, leaving them in an emotional void. To fill that void, kids bond with people their own age and wind up "peer-oriented."

With most children being institutionalized in daycares, what did these parents expect? This is a natural outgrowth of the "It Takes a Village" crowd who bought into the "quality time" nonsense. The kids aren't dumb, they knew they were being largely ignored by their parents except for when it was "convenient" for mommy and daddy to pay attention to them.

Mommy and daddy owe these kids a huge apology. Society will have to pick up the costs of their psychotherapy to try to repair the damage done by the do-gooding liberals who came up with the nonsense that caused this problem.

Nuclear families in the old days were more important than just ensuring survival of the species - they also ensure that the species has well-established roots and a strong support system that leads to good emotional/mental health.

[garbanzo]

Previously posted

[reformed_democrat]

My parents had a very good 'cure' for the 'I wanna dress like everyone else does' thing. They told me no.

First, let me say, "Welcome Home!" (Early, yes -- but I wanted to be ahead of the pack).

Like you, I tried the "But everybody's got one" line -- it didn't work for me, either.

My son is homeschooled, and doesn't know he isn't hip. He cringes when he sees pierced eyebrows, and runs when I threaten to bleach out his hair and dye it purple.

Is he sullen? Occasionally. Is he rebellious? Yep. Does he hate his parents? Nope -- he knows which side his bread is buttered on.

All kids are obnoxious at some point in their development. The trick is to not play into it. When they sulk, eat ice cream in front of them. When they rebel, ask them if they'd like to get a job and pay rent. But for gosh sakes, Don't validate the snit by thinking the kid requires a therapist. That just proves to the kid that his angst over not having Vice City is justified.

[Capriole]

My kids were never in daycare or preschool--I was always a stay-at-home mom until quite recently. My daughter and I were very close and had a wonderful relationship until two days after she started high school. Then my angel-child went away and this slit-eyed, sullen, social-life-obsessed kid replaced her. She still gets dragged to church every Sunday but seems to have rejected its values. The only thing that keeps her from completely being wild is that, as I remind her frequently, I have the car keys, I have the checkbook, and she's not going to see another horse 'til she's eighteen unless she's civil. It's sad. She has no interest in her family at all anymore and I think the only reason she sticks around is that she knows she couldn't earn enough money to live on.

I never went through any sullen/ugly/rebellion phase with my mother and we had a great relationship until the day she died.

[irv]

In all the examples in this article of kids with "inappropriate attachment" all I saw was kids with rotten manners. The one girl said it:

They've got no respect, Ms. Farook adds, her eyes scanning the crowd non-stop. Their parents haven't disciplined them properly; they don't respect their elders.

Parents are supposed to teach manners and respect. But those things went out of fashion in the sixties and today's children are now crippled by the lack of the ability to handle themselves like decent people in public.

What really bothers me is that NONE of the disagreeing shrinks in the article even considered that simple and obvious explanation.

[Triple Word Score]

Dear, if high school is harming your child, your family, and the peace of your home, and it's that obvious to you, why not seek an alternative?

It reminds me of that joke, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Well, stop doing that."

"But everybody does that" isn't reason enough to keep doing something that hurts!

Your child doesn't sound HAPPY and you sure aren't. You won't be depriving her of anything that is helping her if you pull her out of school and homeschool or move her to a private school. In the long run things'll probably work out fine anyway, and this'll probably pass either way, but why keep doing something that is making you both miserable?

The university I attend offers correspondence courses for high school; the one nearest you may also. If not, there are many, many other options. Her biggest job right now is to find out who she is and what she wants to do with her life, and the way you are describing her high school experience, it doesn't sound like it's contributing a thing to that end.

If it's money that is the issue, I have to say that I've always found that the only way to finance anything is to jump in and start doing it, and the money seems to work out. That was true of having children and it was true of going back to college in my late 30s.

My youngest brother-in-law went through a cocaine-addicted phase. My mother-in-law sold her house and moved him out to the boonies. In the middle of the desert without his friends, he was desperately unhappy for awhile, but he kicked his addiction and then found other things to do and recovered from not just cocaine but also the evil influences that had led him to that stuff. I'd take my children to the arctic wilderness before I'd see them corrupted by an AVOIDABLE social condition.

[netmilsmom]

I have heard that from 16 to 18 that is how girls are. My niece was the same way. She is now 21, getting married and just a peach!

This too shall pass....