Hip ways to help the Earth (LOL alert)

The Deseret News ^ | 1/4/2004 | Jeffrey Shaffer

[Utah Girl]

Another year of daily wear and tear begins for planet Earth. It's hard to say what role environmental issues will play in the upcoming presidential race. Iraq and the economy will probably generate most of the campaign noise.

So here are a few low-key suggestions that will enable every American to make an individual contribution toward easing the strain on our global habitat during the next 12 months. It's my ecological version of quiet diplomacy.

1. Get more sleep. Whenever you are not awake, there is a very high probability that you are not engaging in polluting activities such as burning trash in the back yard, applying pesticides in the garden or driving. Sleeping is definitely an Earth-friendly activity.

2. Limit your circle of friends. Socializing is inherently degrading to the environment. It generates dirty glasses, empty beverage containers, soiled table linens and other negative outcomes. Having fewer friends will minimize these problems and also help you save money by not having to buy so many presents for birthdays, anniversaries, and other interpersonal celebrations.

3. Think about a hobby. I said "think." Actually engaging in a hobby — model airplanes for example — can consume valuable resources and clutter up your house. But if you just think about model planes, coin collecting or trading sports cards, you'll get all the mental stimulation of these pursuits without the hassles, frustrations and the leftover packaging.

4. Support mime. It could just be the most environmentally sensible form of entertainment ever devised. Mime doesn't require extensive props or acoustic amplifiers, so use of raw materials is greatly reduced. It avoids the obnoxious loudness of rock concerts and the brain pollution of comedy clubs. Mime should be encouraged at every opportunity, albeit quietly.

5. Control your elders. Sad to say, many parents fall into irresponsible ecohabits as they get older. Buying a gigantic motor coach that gets 8 miles per gallon is the most obvious example. To curb such impulses, try to get your folks involved in activities that will keep them close to home. A new DVD player and a complete set of "Star Trek" episodes would be a good start. Other useful gifts might include a police scanner and an encyclopedia of magic tricks.

6. Wear gloves. Keeping your mitts covered during the day cuts down on washing, thus saving water and curtailing use of soap or detergents. If you can't wear gloves all the time, consider using them for certain "pollution risk" situations such as petting domestic animals, taking out the garbage, or shaking hands with political candidates.

7. Stay calm. Getting angry can cause rapid breathing and higher oxygen consumption. The atmosphere is being strained by modern industrial activities. It doesn't need the added burden of increased human metabolic rates.

This last suggestion may be the most difficult because we have now entered a phase of the calendar when massive numbers of agitated citizens will be hyperventilating collectively on a regular basis. It's an occurrence that's very hard to prevent during a presidential election year.

[Utah Girl]

I can't tell if this guy is serious or not. It was in the editorial section of my newspaper so....

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[gonzo]

Now THAT'S funny, UG!

"...a gigantic motor coach that gets 8 miles per gallon..."

I wish I had had one of those. Mine got 4 mpg..........FRegards

[bonfire]

Funny! I sure hope he wasn't serious......or he's seriously deranged.

[edger]

Oh, I think he is serious......and a flake.

[GeronL]

He is most definitely kidding.

[Theresawithanh]

He ain't no Dave Barry, but a funny article, nonetheless!

[explodingspleen]

Yes, he is definitely kidding, but how much you wanna bet the tree-huggers in Utah will be sleeping in tomorrow? ;)

[GeronL]

lol

[Our man in washington]

One simple thing people can do to save the environment is crawl everywhere, or at least keep their heads as low as possible. You see, when you breathe out, you exhale carbon dioxide, a greenhouse gas. The higher the elevation of carbon dioxide, the more it contributes to global warming.

The reason is somewhat complicated. Carbon dioxide blocks heat from escaping the atmosphere. Heat is generally propogated through electromagnetic waves. Most electromagnetic waves are reflected back in to space before reaching the earth. The closer carbon dioxide is to the ground, the less likely that it will be able to "trap" any electromagnetic waves.

Imagine if you had deep-sea divers of varying abilities. Some could dive just a few feet, others a hundred feet, and vary few could make it to the bottom of the ocean. Imagine objects were placed at various depths in the water. The objects were designed so they would move away as the divers go down, but bump into the divers as they came up. Many divers might bump into objects at the top of the ocean, but few divers would hit objects at the bottom of the ocean, simply because few divers would get that far.

If you imagine electromagnetic waves as the divers and carbon dioxide as the suspended objects, you would understand the importance of keeping your head as low as possible when walking outside. Simply put, lowered greenhouse gases have less of a warming effect. (This phenomenon also explains why the roofs of greenhouses tend to be significantly higher than the highest plant being stored.)

(The above is total b.s. of course, but if anyone likes it, please distribute it widely. I have a tough week coming up, and seeing environmentalists duck or even crawl would give me a good laugh. Note that not only is the conclusion bogus, but so are about 90 percent of the "facts" in there, although I'm pretty sure we breathe out carbon dioxide.)

[in the Arena]

Don't let the Democrats see that, they'll start talking out their butts thinking they're saving the planet...no, wait, they already are...

[weegee]

Don't know if this one passes the smell test but good find.

I think I'll challenge the suggestions:

1. Get more sleep.. Eh, why stop there? Encourage hibernation! Sleeping for several days at a time would reduce food intake and waste disposal. Fewer work days and fewer commuters. Reduction of nearly all resources (except heating/cooling system).

2. Limit your circle of friends. Having fewer friends will minimize these problems and also help you save money by not having to buy so many presents for birthdays, anniversaries, and other interpersonal celebrations. Why not just encourage people to buy/make elaborate meals as a gift instead? Everyone has to eat sometime (except those who are hibernating). Concert/theater tickets and vacations are also gifts that can't be placed in a closet, garage, or city dump.

3. Think about a hobby. I said "think." Actually engaging in a hobby — model airplanes for example — can consume valuable resources and clutter up your house. Just encourage people to pick up an accoustic instrument or better yet SING. No clutter, just "noise" pollution but then again birds are guilty of this same "crime".

4. Support mime. Or streetfight mimes. Again, no props needed.

5. Control your elders. They've had their day and who cares what the 10 Commandments say. < /sarcasm > To curb such impulses, try to get your folks involved in activities that will keep them close to home. A new DVD player and a complete set of "Star Trek" episodes would be a good start. Other useful gifts might include a police scanner and an encyclopedia of magic tricks. Or just buy them an accoustic guitar or harmonica. Ask grandpa to tell you about what this country USED to be like before the socialists took over. The elderly can be a wealth of historical knowledge. Why turn them into couch potatoes watching Star Trek?

6. Wear gloves. Keeping your mitts covered during the day cuts down on washing, thus saving water and curtailing use of soap or detergents. Of course, everytime you went to wipe your eyes/face, you would have to take them off so that you don't contaminate these areas. Proper hygiene is not "debatable".

7. Stay calm. See suggestion (1) about hibernating.

Additional liberal suggestion. Abort all children. The sooner the human race stops walking the planet, the sooner mankind will stop "damaging" everything.

[weegee]

There is a suggestion. If the evolution experts are correct, we came from the sea. Maybe now is the time for De-evolution and a slow process of crawling back into the ooze and eventually returning to life in the sea.

[Smokin' Joe]

LOL, I guess we should do all our exercising in the prone position. ....

"Scuse me.

OH honeeeeY, Darling........

[fish hawk]

It's called "Oscillating D'evolution". Actually it has already started. The mind goes first and you become a Liberal Democrat, it's only a small step from there to the jellyfish and then to slime. Some have already reached it.

[Smokin' Joe]

I wonder if there is a correlation with increased Carbon Dioxide levels and exercising. I refuse to exercise, causing, among other things increased biogenic heat and increased respiration which translates to an increase in CO2 output. Hearing that this can be done at closer proximity to the ground relieves me of feeling guilty for the one form of 'exercise' I absolutely refuse to forego.

Oh, yeah, I, too am just kidding...

[weegee]

I think that the first thing to go is the spine. There are a lot of spineless politicians out there...

[fish hawk]

That's where the Jellyfish comes in. LOL

[gridlock]

Bumpersticker: SAVE THE PLANET. KILL YOURSELF.

[PurVirgo]

I love Dave Barry!!! His satire is awesome!!

It's amazing how many ppl I know take him seriously